Toe Jamm'd. Susan Berran

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СКАЧАТЬ was being plucked by a sock.

      By the time I’d managed to remove both socks, it looked like I’d shaved my legs with a jagged piece of glass. Droplets of fresh RED BLOOD slowly wound their way down my legs … my pink, raw legs. The only bright side was that between the cow pats, the dirt, the slugs and plenty of sweat, I’d built up quite a good wad of toe-jam.

      I even had to wear bigger shoes.

      It had taken all summer to build up. My feet were more like flippers. But now it was time to dig out the prize-winning wad. I guess I could just soak my feet for a few hours in a bucket, but where’s the fun in that? Or I could have a decent bath … Nah! Digging is definitely the way to go. That way you can get up nice and close to really smell and study what you’ve created.

      I waited until bed time when Mum gave the usual, “Your turn for the dishes,” … so what else is new? “Hurry up and do your homework and teeth. And don’t forget to shower!” she shrieked.

      Well, I reckon three out of four should be enough.

      So in the middle of doing the dishes, I splashed a bit of water around my face and shoved some soap suds under my armpits and down into my pants … the trick is to get done before the water gets too greasy.

      “Night Mum,” I yelled out from the kitchen as I took off into my room. Ok, homework … I’ll do it in the morning, maybe. Teeth … I stretched up the hem of my T-shirt and wrapped it around a finger. Then I stuck it into my mouth and gave a quick wipe along the top and bottom row, done!

      Footsteps … Mum’s coming!

      I ripped off my T-shirt, tossed it into the corner and dived under the bed covers. “Lights out!”

      “Yeah,” I replied, flicking off the switch and being plunged into darkness.

      I waited and waited … then, there it was, the sound of Mum’s favourite TV show starting.

      Crackle … she opens the bag of chips, Ffsssssss … that’s the can of drink, and up goes the volume.

       Torch, on!

      

      Sitting on the edge of my bed wearing nothing but undies, I rested the torch on my pillow. Taking careful aim, I shone the light beam right between my toes. Then pulling my knee up to my chin and grabbing hold of one toe with each hand, I yanked the first two apart … crack!

      Bits of fluffy dung were flung and flicked into the air right across the room. Flipper, my gold fish, started head-butting the sides of his bowl as the water turned a sewage-brown from bits of toe-jam landing in it. With my middle finger, I dug out the first HUGE dob of toe-jam and wiped it onto the bed sheets beside me. WOW, there was heaps, excellent! I moved along my foot, digging buckets of CRUD from between my toes. Occasionally I stopped to hold up a finger loaded with the toe-jam close to my face … turning it … studying it … smelling it. I was trying to see just how much of the crud was animal hair, carpet fluff, slug-slime, or just mould. Most of it seemed to be just good old green festering great quality mould. Cool! It was even better quality than I’d hoped for. Some of it was really stuck though. I had to use the handle of Miss Melly Prissy Pant’s toothbrush to push it out. Then the bristle end to really get into all the wrinkles and get every last little bit that I could.

      By the time both feet were done, I had a blob of toe-jam the size of my fist. I couldn’t wait to tell Jared at school, he’d be so jealous.

      Holding up the clump of toe-jam, I patted it gently. This would be the best show and tell at school, ever!

      So into the shoe box it went.

      I lay down and flicked off the torch. But how could I sleep now? I kept imagining show and tell at school. The girls would be screaming in HORROR, “Eeeewwwww … boys are so disgusting.” Some might faint, if I’m lucky. And for the ultimate top marks, hopefully one or two might even hurl.

      It was going to be great.

      I tossed and turned for ages trying to get to sleep.

      Damn … there was an annoying itch right inside my ear. I shoved my little finger as far as I could down there and gave it a little twist … THOOP!!

      Using the torch, I could see a nice size glob of ear wax sitting on the end of my pinkie. It was sort of greeny-yellowy and the ideal addition to my blob of toe-jam. As I scraped it onto the top, I decided I may as well check the other ear … THOOP!! Out came another even bigger ball of wax.

      This had to be the world’s champion of toe-jam balls, topped off with a crown of shiny, thick, ear wax.

      It felt like hours trying to get to sleep because I was so HAPPY and EXCITED. And all through that night I had the most absolutely wonderful dreams.

      There I was, holding a huge golden cup above my head. And poking out from the cup was my ball of toe-jam. Mum and the teachers were cheering, bands played, everyone was applauding and it was raining streamers and balloons.

      Jared was bawling his eyes out and holding a crappy green third place ribbon stuck to a ball of toe-jam about the size of a marble. Best of all, the girls were screaming and chucking their guts up and then fainting. People were fighting each other to get a closer look at my incredibly spectacular FUZZY BALL.

      My toe-jam was the size of a bowling ball and getting bigger and bigger by the minute. Trophies surrounded me:

      It didn’t get any better than this.

      I was so happy.

      

      I woke up the next morning in a bath of sweat, feeling like I’d run a twenty-kilometre marathon dressed in an oven. Chucking on my school uniform for the last day before the holidays started, I dashed out to the kitchen, grabbed some toast and FLEW out the door.

      Oh NO! My toe-jam, I forgot it! Racing back into my room, I snatched up the shoe box, shoved it up my shirt front and headed out the door to school.

      “Jared, check this out,” I said with a huge grin as I caught up to him on my bike and handed over the box.

      Jared looked over at me sarcastically … “ So? ”

      “Look СКАЧАТЬ