Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters. Karen C.L. Anderson

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       Chapter 3 Why I Do This, Plus FAQs and an Invitation

      I wrote this book because I spent many years suffering, struggling, and hating myself, all because I had a story about my mother, myself, and our relationship. I’ve been freeing myself from that story ever since. Of all the hard things I’ve ever done, this has been the hardest—and most rewarding, powerful, and liberating.

      That is my number one credential. I have been there.

      So what can you expect? This book is part lessons and concepts and part real-life experience. It’s also part journal prompts and exercises that will help you apply the lessons and concepts and make them real in your own life.

      I suggest you keep a journal specifically for this work. Why? Because writing is powerful and it’s good for you. Writing about stressful events helps you acknowledge, cope with, and resolve them, which has a positive impact on your health.

      Writing also helps you to:

      It takes courage to do this work. Intense emotions may come up as you make your way through the book. You might find yourself feeling everything from guilt to anger to grief, but also joy, hilarity, and relief.

      How you feel about your mother right now is okay. Although there may be societal, cultural, and family taboos in regard to the emotions we experience in relation to our mothers (especially if those emotions are “negative”) there are no taboos—or judgment—here.

      The key is to engage with compassionate objectivity and examine yourself with fascination and curiosity, rather than harsh judgment, shame, and guilt.

      To break in your journal, consider an intention for yourself as you work your way through this book. No matter where you are in your relationship with your mother, whether she is alive or not, whether you speak to her or not, consider three things when coming up with your intention:

      And remember: this work is more about you than her.

      FAQs

      “What’s different in this book as compared to The Peaceful Daughter’s Guide to Separating from a Difficult Mother?”

      In the two-plus years since the The Peaceful Daughter’s Guide was published, several things have happened:

      I’ve received hundreds of questions from women all over the world, some of which I’ve answered on my blog and in my newsletter. I’ve coached hundreds of women around their mother stories. I’ve come to understand the concept of boundaries in a much deeper and more nuanced way and have led Impeccable Boundaries workshops, both live and online. I’ve communicated with mothers who want to have better relationships with their daughters. I’ve explored my own stories on a deeper level and have consciously transformed some that were hurting me.

      In addition to the core concepts laid out in The Peaceful Daughter’s Guide, here’s what you’ll find in this book:

      How do I know if I have mother issues (beside the obvious indicators like chronic conflict, lack of boundaries, or consistently feeling anxious or angry when I think about her and my relationship with her)?

      Here are some common ways it shows up (in my own words, but with thanks to Bethany Webster): You compare and despair. You feel stuck, overwhelmed, and like an underachiever. Or you are overachieving, but without any joy or fulfillment, just going through the motions in an effort to prove your worth. You encounter issues such as: