Keep Pain in the Past. Dr. Chris Cortman

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      Pick a religion, any religion. With the exception of perhaps Satanism, virtually all religion teaches the necessity of forgiveness for living a godly life and achieving peace, wholeness, and connection with the divine. In Buddhism, forgiveness is about removing unhealthy emotions that would otherwise cause harm to the non-forgiving person. Likewise, Sikhism describes forgiveness as the remedy to anger, especially when the forgiving person is aroused by compassion. Judaism requires forgiveness after a sincere apology, but even in its absence, forgiveness is considered a pious act. Islam is a term derived from a Semitic word meaning peace. Forgiveness is thought to be a prerequisite for achieving peace.23

      In Christianity, Jesus taught his followers to pray to God the father, “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12, King James Version). Note that he already assumes that we ought to be forgiving others, as it is essential to improve our own status with God. Jesus went on to say, “but if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:15, King James Version.)

      Perhaps it is fair to conclude that forgiveness is that which lets the afflicted off the hook, as much or more than the offender. How is that so? Because the opposite of forgiveness, resentment or hatred, is known to be a toxin for the grudge holder. A twentieth-century Buddha, Mark Twain, quipped, “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored them to anything on which it is poured.”24 Research has confirmed that resentment contributes to numerous conditions, including depression, heart disease, and premature death.25

      But what exactly is forgiveness? Let’s begin with what it isn’t. Psychologist Syd Simon taught that forgiveness is not forgetting; it is not revenge, nor does it condone the offense. Forgiveness, in the simplest sense of the word, means to let go.26

      This translates into two types of forgiveness: forgiveness without reconciliation and forgiveness with reconciliation. They both allow for letting go of the offense, but one restores the relationship to the place or position held prior to the perceived offense, while the other does not. (Think of this as “Mounds Bar” and “Almond Joy;” they are both the same candy, but one has nuts, and the other doesn’t.)

      For example, I once employed an office manager who admitted to embezzling funds from the practice. She was terminated on the spot. Several weeks later, I was completely over any hurt, anger, resentment, and sense of betrayal. But I did not rehire her. I forgave, but without reconciliation.

      This is as opposed to the couples I’ve counseled after one of them committed infidelity and/or other egregious offenses. To aim for a happy marriage—or life—there must be forgiveness (letting go) with reconciliation. In that context, forgiveness must be repeated thousands of times in a fifty-year marriage, hopefully for lesser violations. Recall the Jesus quote when asked by Peter, “Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times?”

      Jesus answered, “I say not unto thee, until seven times: but until seventy times seven,” or indefinitely (Matthew 18:22, King James Version).

      When working with trauma clients, my chief goal is to help them live in the present, while looking forward to the future. Consider whether this is a goal you’ve achieved. You should be able to remember the past, laugh, and tell stories about painful events and the lessons learned from them. But you should not be stuck in the past with pain, avoidance, resentment, intrusive recollections, recurrent nightmares, or excessive guilt, etc. These symptoms point to unresolved pain in the past and require forgiveness, or letting go.

      Modern Day Prophet?

      An eighty-two-year-old woman sat on my couch one day and said, “So what I’m hearing you say, doctor, is that you want me to let go of everything that makes my head crazy.” She was no prophet, but to me, that remains the best definition of forgiveness I’ve ever heard. In the chapters ahead, I will show you how you can learn to let go of those things that make your head crazy. Remember that by definition, what you don’t let go of, you hold onto for the rest of your life. More importantly, the unresolved trauma owns you for the rest of your life.

      What counterbalances the horrible stories that trauma clients tell me is their ability to finish their traumas once and for all. In the chapters to come, I will refer back to these six contributors and describe how their emphasis on closure and release comes to life in my approach to overcoming trauma. In fact, I’ve named the procedure after Fritz Perls, as a tribute to his brilliant understanding of healing from pain in the past. In chapter three, I’ll explain what “The Fritz” entails and how you can apply it to your unfinished business.

       Chapter Two

       Trauma Destroys the Soul Thanks to Mr. Avoidance

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      “Now, don’t hang on. Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and sky. It slips away, and all your money won’t another minute buy. Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind. Everything is dust in the wind.”

      —Kansas

      Trauma is Bad

      You know about the nightmares, the insomnia, the rage, and the deep despair and hopelessness. The hypervigilance (constantly watching and scanning) makes you feel crazy, and the exaggerated startle response (jumping when unexpectedly tapped on the shoulder) is downright embarrassing. Your anxiety remains high, and your intrusive recollections of the event are just that, intrusive. They ruin your conversations, your productivity, your peace of mind. You look at the world through a glass darkly, as if someone had blotted out the sun permanently. You may still smile, but not as frequently or as sincerely. You can’t remember when you were last at peace.

      But trauma has many effects, many of which aren’t widely known.. For instance, we now know that trauma is a big contributor to substance abuse. Research studies have noted repeatedly that traumatic experiences are associated with an increased risk of substance abuse. Najavits, Weiss, and Shaw (1997) noted that of women who experienced childhood physical or sexual assault, between 30–59 percent go on to develop substance abuse problems.28 Another study found that out of thirty-eight СКАЧАТЬ