Keep Pain in the Past. Dr. Chris Cortman

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СКАЧАТЬ did I ask, “what happened” prematurely? I don’t think so, but it’s possible that I could have better prepared him for the feelings that he would experience when he told his story. The real blame, though, falls on the culprit that keeps so many trauma suffers silent—avoiding the horrible feelings that comprise the trauma. This avoidance keeps people like Orlando stuck in their pain in the past. Fortunately, Orlando is an exception, not the rule. The vast majority of clients I’ve worked with improved or were completely cured by their participation in treatment and their use of the Fritz. Orlando’s story, though, serves as a cautionary tale about the dangers of how avoidance may prevent successful treatment.

      Collateral Damage

      While trauma contributes to depression, anxiety disorders, PTSD, dissociative disorders, and substance abuse, unresolved pain in the past can also contribute to a host of other symptoms and issues that can linger. For instance, trauma survivors often perceive the world as an unsafe place, feel isolated, withdraw emotionally from intimate relationships, can’t trust others, tend to choose abusive relationships (to replicate the familiarity of an abusive childhood), and sabotage life’s opportunities.

      These symptoms don’t automatically disappear after the original trauma has been successfully remembered, felt, expressed, and released. As the following story demonstrates, these symptoms can persist even after the original trauma has been faced and worked through.

      Eighteen-year-old Kendra was in trouble for shoplifting—not what would be considered clinical grounds for a trauma diagnosis. Her dad, Tom, overheard her telling her long-distance boyfriend, “I don’t know why these things keep happening to me—first I get molested by the babysitter, and now I’m arrested for shoplifting!” Imagine her dad’s reaction when he overheard this conversation from the next room. Tom had never had an inkling that Kendra had been molested, and he didn’t know what to do with the information.

      He and his wife made an appointment to see me, but without Kendra. They arrived distraught and at a loss as to what to do. They explained that they had only used a babysitter once, and it was Tom’s former best friend, Jim. Could that single occasion have been what Kendra was describing? And if so, what could they do about it now? I suggested that they return with Kendra and then tell her the truth about the overheard conversation, followed by the question, “Who was it that hurt you?”

      They were shocked when Kendra confirmed that the culprit was indeed her dad’s ex-best friend, during his one and only babysitting opportunity. Then I learned how much damage that one evening had done, including terrible shame, loss of innocence, and rebellion against everyone and everything (and yes, that’s how a well-to-do girl who wants for nothing can find it permissible to shoplift).

      There was even more damage that the entire family had sustained without ever realizing that it was caused by the abuse. According to Kendra, who was only nine at the time of the abuse, that was the day when she stopped trusting her parents—especially her dad—to protect her. It was dad’s fault that Jim had touched her and then told her to tell no one. In her mind, dad had set her up for the abuse; and from her fourth-grade perspective, he was responsible for condoning, if not causing it. It was, after all, his best friend.

      Further, that was also the day that Kendra had stopped being “daddy’s little girl.” That was the last time she had ever sat on his lap watching movies and eating popcorn, read aloud to him, or sought his advice on anything. He was not to be trusted for anything ever again.

      So why hadn’t her parents noticed the changes? Tom said he had noticed, and so had her mother, but ironically, they’d attributed her changes to growing up and needing less cuddles, less connections, less guidance—less dad. Sure, Tom missed her, but if she was growing up, he could accept her changes as a normal part of the growth process. After all, she was the first and only child, so what did he know about normal adolescent female development?

      I suggested that Kendra work briefly with me to dispel the horror of the molestation. I used a technique called “Guided Imagery” that is used to complete the unfinished trauma and remove its hold over the survivor. I then asked Kendra how she felt. “Vanquished!” was her one-word reply (after all, she went to a school for the gifted).

      But regardless of the success of the imagery, the damage to Kendra’s relationship with her parents, especially her dad, was not magically repaired. She could release the horrors of the molestation, but that did not mean that all was automatically better with her parents. For that to happen, Kendra needed to hear their apologies, believe their innocence, and choose to trust them again.

      Repairing a relationship can be a process, so Kendra gradually made the effort to be with her parents and talk, really talk, for the first time in nine years. During college, she took opportunities to return home and watch movies with her parents. She didn’t sit on daddy’s lap, but she was back to eating his popcorn and sitting between them.

      Her symptoms waned and gradually disappeared. I’ve related Kendra’s story because for at least some of you, it’s not just the original trauma that’s the problem, but a host of symptoms that originated with the trauma. The good news is that the Fritz can help you put away the trauma, and ongoing help specific to the collateral damage can also be immensely helpful in repairing the remaining damage. But for now, to help you capitalize on the Fritz’s healing power, let’s look at the five steps in depth, starting with Remembering.

       Chapter Three

       Remember: Tell the Tale in Detail

      •

      “It seems to me that there are more hearts broken in the world that can’t be mended, left unattended. What do we do? What do we do?”

      —Gilbert O’Sullivan

      Remember: Tell the Tale in Detail

      Dennis was sixty-one years old when I met him. A delightful man with two somewhat inconsistent passions—NFL football and cross-dressing—he presented with some of the classic symptoms of depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress, all of which he believed had been caused by priest abuse, exactly fifty years ago.

      Dennis was very discouraged; not only were his Dolphins in last place this season, but he believed he would never recover from his deep-rooted shame and self-contempt. Dennis had worked for the government consistently throughout his life but had always felt he was a failure. His interests could afford him temporary respite and escape from his sense of failure and disgust but never made him feel like a whole man or a worthwhile person or husband. Unfortunately, his wife could never understand why Dennis had so much self-contempt. She tolerated his cross-dressing, as she knew this was something that brought him a lot of excitement and positive feelings, though she didn’t appreciate him spending more time in the bathroom on Saturday nights then she did.

      In the second session I asked Dennis what had happened to him fifty years ago.

      He said, “Do you mean with the priest?”

      “Yes.”

      “You know, you are at least the fourth psychologist I’ve seen, and the first one to ask me what happened.”

      “What did you do with the others, exchange recipes?” I asked, demonstrating СКАЧАТЬ