The Panda Theory: Shocking, hilarious and poignant noir. Pascal Garnier
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Название: The Panda Theory: Shocking, hilarious and poignant noir

Автор: Pascal Garnier

Издательство: Ingram

Жанр: Контркультура

Серия:

isbn: 9781908313232

isbn:

СКАЧАТЬ it over or it won’t cook on that side. Shit, not like that! You’re going to fuck it up … Jesus, man, leave it, I’ll do it.’

       The stuffy air was thick with smoke, and the smell of alcohol, charred meat and stale cigarettes. Both of them were hunched over, like monkeys in a cage. Everything was blurred, shapeless. The men weren’t men and the chicken wasn’t a chicken. Nothing but rough sketches gone wrong, crumpled into a ball and thrown into this stinking hole. Simon held the bird by its head and feet as if holding the handlebars of a motorbike heading straight into the wall.

       ‘Joan of Arc.’

       ‘What about her?’

       ‘She’s the only woman I’ve ever loved.’

       ‘What made you think of her? The chicken?’

       ‘Maybe. Or the Pope, I don’t know. I used to carry a picture of her around when I was a kid. I’d wank off over it in the toilets, looking at her in that tight, shiny armour with her tidy little page-boy haircut and her flag blowing in the wind. What I’d have given for a can-opener to get inside that …! Pass me the bottle and I’ll tell you.’

       Simon finished off the bottle and started to sway to and fro with a fixed stare, his hands wrapped round his chicken handlebars, full speed ahead.

       ‘I once went to Rouen. Not Mecca or Lourdes like some people, but Rouen. I went and begged in the square where they burnt her at the stake. It was the most dough I’d ever made in my life – people were throwing their money at me! I got absolutely trashed that night – it was insane! Later on I was having a piss up against a wall when I saw her in front of me, stark naked, smiling at me with her arms and legs wide open. She said: “It’s about time, Simon!” and I screwed her. I screwed her like I’ve never screwed before. Up against the fucking wall. And you can believe it or not, but the wall started swelling as if I’d knocked it up, and just when I was about to shoot my load the wall fell in on me. But it didn’t hurt, not one bit. And behind the wall, behind the wall, there was—’

      Gesticulating wildly as he relived the scene, Simon’s elbow smashed into the gas stove. The alcohol spilt over him and he was engulfed in flames like a living torch, while the chicken took the first flight of its short life and landed on Gabriel’s knees. Simon stood howling and banging his arms against his sides as if in the throes of a laughing fit. The fire took hold of him in a dazzling display of power, like a volcanic eruption. Gabriel froze, numbed by the wine, awestruck. Simon threw himself onto the pile of mattresses and covers and rolled about until he disappeared under a thick plume of smoke. Gabriel grabbed his bag, trainers and the chicken and ran as fast as he could. When he stopped to catch his breath by the banks of the Seine, he tore away at the half-cooked chicken and wondered what could have been behind that fucking wall.

      Gabriel ripped shreds off the candyfloss and let them melt slowly in his mouth.

      We should eat nothing but clouds, he thought.

      In front of him a merry-go-round whirled round: as it sped up an elephant, a fire engine, a white swan and a motorbike all dissolved into a kaleidoscope of colour and bright lights, punctuated by the piercing shrieks of the children above the heady music of the barrel organ. He had never seen Simon again. Had he melted away as well? He had almost forgotten what had happened in that underground car park it was so long ago. He remembered the chicken, the taste of charcoal and raw meat. His fingers felt sticky. He didn’t have a handkerchief so he wiped them on the underside of the bench. The smell of chip fat and hot sugar hung in the air. Even the rain was sweet. Nobody seemed to realise. People came and went as if the sun were out, as if they were happy. As if. It was a tiny funfair with just a merry-go-round, a tombola, a shooting gallery and a sweet stall. He had stumbled upon it after crossing the bridge that straddled the river. This was the furthest he had been in the town and he felt as though he had crossed into another town entirely. When on foot you always travel further than you expect. You only realise how far you have gone when it’s time to go back. Because you always have to go back.

      ‘Romain, sit up straight! And hold on!’

      The small boy wasn’t listening to his mother. Not any more. He was laughing, on the brink of hysteria, and bouncing up and down on his elephant, which was charging furiously forward, driven by its own massive weight. It trampled everything in its path: the fire engine, the white swan, the screeching mother with her hands cupped around her mouth, the town hall, the post office, the station, the whole town. Its dreary revolving existence had driven the elephant mad. The child and the elephant were one, a single ball of pure energy, out of control, hurtling through space, destroying everything in their path without remorse. They knew that this moment of freedom would be brief and so they made the most of it. Nothing could stop them while they were in orbit. It was at moments like this that you could kill somebody. You could kill somebody over nothing at all, because nothing was stopping you and you were too high to think about humanity.

      The merry-go-round slowed to a stop. It was over quickly. Gabriel stood up as he had got up from the bench at the station a few days earlier, with sticky hands.

      ‘Five shots, five balloons, the prize is yours.’

      The butt of the rifle was as cool and soft as Joan of Arc’s skin. It was easy; all you had to do was empty your mind. Kept aloft by an electric fan, the five dancing coloured balloons exploded one by one. Load, aim, fire … load, aim, fire. It was all over in less than three minutes.

      ‘Well done. You’re a fine shot, sir!’

      The stall holder resembled a badly restored china doll with her cracked make-up, bottle-blonde hair with dark roots, and thick red lipstick that had smeared onto her false teeth. Her glazed eyes, which had seen too much, were as lifeless as those of the hideous toy panda which she placed on the counter.

      ‘Your prize!’

      At the sight of the black and white animal with its outstretched arms and beaming smile, Gabriel took a step back.

      ‘No, no thank you. It’s fine.’

      ‘Go on! You’ve won it, you have to take it.’

      ‘No, I …’

      ‘When you win something, it’s yours. Give it to your children.’

      ‘I don’t have any.’

      ‘Well, you’d better get busy! Take it, go on. What am I supposed to do with it? I’m no thief. C’mon now, stop making a fuss.’

      ‘Well, okay then. Thank you.’

      It wasn’t that it was heavy – it was just difficult to carry. He didn’t know how to hold it. By the ear? By the paw? Or by wrapping his arms round the whole thing? As he walked past, people turned to stare, some smiling and others laughing outright. The cuddly toy didn’t care. It continued to gaze wide-eyed at its surroundings with the same fixed happy smile, regardless of which way up it was carried. And so Gabriel arrived at the Faro encumbered by his unwanted progeny. The metal shutter was pulled down, but he could see a light on inside. He knocked several times, the panda perched on his shoulders. Finally José appeared, unsteady on his feet and looking anxious.

      ‘Oh, it’s you. I forgot, I’m sorry. In you come.’

      The shutter rolled up slowly with the grating sound of rusty metal. It ground СКАЧАТЬ