The Twelve Chairs / Двенадцать стульев. Книга для чтения на английском языке. Илья Ильф

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СКАЧАТЬ a new intake of women?» asked Ostap.

      «They're orphans», replied Alchen, shouldering the inspector out of the kitchen and surreptitiously shaking his fist at the orphans.

      «Children of the Volga Region?»

      Alchen was confused.

      «A trying heritage from the Tsarist regime?»

      Alchen spread his arms as much as to say: «There's nothing you can do with a heritage like that».

      «Co-education by the composite method?»

      Without further hesitation the bashful Alchen invited the fire inspector to take pot luck and lunch with him.

      Pot luck that day happened to be a bottle of Zubrovka vodka, home-pickled mushrooms, minced herring, Ukrainian beet soup containing first-grade meat, chicken and rice, and stewed apples.

      «Sashchen», said Alexander Yakovlevich, «I want you to meet a comrade from the province fire-precaution administration».

      Ostap made his hostess a theatrical bow and paid her such an interminable and ambiguous compliment that he could hardly get to the end of it. Sashchen, a buxom woman, whose good looks were somewhat marred by sideburns of the kind that Tsar Nicholas used to have, laughed softly and took a drink with the two men.

      «Here's to your communal services», exclaimed Ostap.

      The lunch went off gaily, and it was not until they reached the stewed fruit that Ostap remembered the point of his visit.

      «Why is it», he asked, «that the furnishings are so skimpy in your establishment?»

      «What do you mean?» said Alchen. «What about the harmonium?»

      «Yes, I know, vox humana. But you have absolutely nothing at all of any taste to sit on. Only garden benches».

      «There's a chair in the recreation room», said Alchen in an offended tone. «An English chair. They say it was left over from the original furniture».

      «By the way, I didn't see your recreation room. How is it from the point of view of fire hazard? It won't let you down, I hope. I had better see it».

      «Certainly».

      Ostap thanked his hostess for the lunch and left.

      No primus was used in the recreation room; there was no portable stove of any kind; the chimneys were in a good state of repair and were cleaned regularly, but the chair, to the incredulity of Alchen, was missing. They ran to look for it. They looked under the beds and under the trunks; for some reason or other they moved back the harmonium; they questioned the old women, who kept looking at Pasha Emilevich timidly, but the chair was just not there. Pasha Emilevich himself showed great enthusiasm in the search. When all had calmed down, Pasha still kept wandering from room to room, looking under decanters, shifting iron teaspoons, and muttering:

      «Where can it be? I saw it myself this morning. It's ridiculous!»

      «It's depressing, girls», said Ostap in an icy voice.

      «It's absolutely ridiculous!» repeated Pasha Emilevich impudently.

      At this point, however, the Eclair fire extinguisher, which had been hissing the whole time, took a high F, which only the People's Artist, Nezhdanova, can do, stopped for a second and then emitted its first stream of foam, which soaked the ceiling and knocked the cook's cap off. The first stream of foam was followed by another, mouse-grey in colour, which bowled over young Isidor Yakovlevich. After that the extinguisher began working smoothly. Pasha Emilevich, Alchen and all the surviving brothers raced to the spot.

      «Well done», said Ostap. «An idiotic invention!»

      As soon as the old women were left alone with Ostap and without the boss, they at once began complaining:

      «He's brought his family into the home. They eat up everything».

      «The piglets get milk and we get porridge».

      «He's taken everything out of the house».

      «Take it easy, girls», said Ostap, retreating. «You need someone from the labour-inspection department. The Senate hasn't empowered me …»

      The old women were not listening.

      «And that Pasha Melentevich. He went and sold a chair today. I saw him myself».

      «Who did he sell it to?» asked Ostap quickly.

      «He sold it… that's all. He was going to steal my blanket…»

      A fierce struggle was going on in the corridor. But mind finally triumphed over matter and the extinguisher, trampled under Pasha Emilevich's feet of iron, gave a last dribble and was silent for ever.

      The old women were sent to clean the floor. Lowering his head and waddling slightly, the fire inspector went up to Pasha Emilevich.

      «A friend of mine», began Ostap importantly, «also used to sell government property. He now lives a monastic life in the penitentiary».

      «I find your groundless accusations strange», said Pasha, who smelled strongly of foam.

      «Who did you sell the chair to?» asked Ostap in a ringing whisper.

      Pasha Emilevich, who had supernatural understanding, realized at this point he was about to be beaten, if not kicked.

      «To a second-hand dealer».

      «What's his address?»

      «I'd never seen him before».

      «Never?»

      «No, honestly».

      «I ought to bust you in the mouth», said Ostap dreamily, «only Zarathustra wouldn't allow it. Get to hell out of here!»

      Pasha Emilevich grinned fawningly and began walking away.

      «Come back, you abortion», cried Ostap haughtily. «What was the dealer like?»

      Pasha Emilevich described him in detail, while Ostap listened carefully. The interview was concluded by Ostap with the words: «This clearly has nothing to do with fire precautions».

      In the corridor the bashful Alchen went up to Ostap and gave him a gold piece.

      «That comes under Article 114 of the Criminal Code», said Ostap. «Bribing officials in the course of their duty».

      Nevertheless he took the money and, without saying goodbye, went towards the door. The door, which was fitted with a powerful contraption, opened with an effort and gave Ostap a one-and-a-half-ton shove in the backside.

      «Good shot!» said Ostap, rubbing the affected part. «The hearing is continued».

      Chapter Nine. Where Are Your Curls?

      While Ostap was inspecting the pensioners' home, Ippolit Matveyevich had left the caretaker's room and was wandering along the streets of his home town, feeling the chill on his shaven head.

      Along the road trickled clear spring water. There was СКАЧАТЬ