Black Boxes. Caroline Smailes

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      There was a moment.

      It came like a wave.

      I saw it coming.

      And I began to think.

      My mind began to wander into a future.

      Into our future. And I liked what I saw.

      And so I rode.

      I jumped in.

      I allowed nature to decide.

      It wasn't my decision.

       ~It was out of my hands.~

      What would be would be.

      [silence]

      Que sera sera.

      [sound: distant rumbling of low flying aeroplane]

       ~Don't be angry.~

       ~It's too late to be angry!~

      I'm only telling you now because this is my last chance.

      You see.

      I thought that it would be a sign.

      A measure of what was meant to be.

      I thought that if it was what we needed.

      If a greater being had decided that it was what was needed to be.

      You know.

      To make us be together.

      Forever.

      Then it would be.

      I was putting it in the hands of a greater being.

      It was out of my control.

      [sound: distant rumbling of low flying aeroplane]

      You see.

      I love(d) you.

      And I wasn't trying to trap you.

      And I didn't want it to happen.

      Want.

      Verb + object.

      Want a baby.

      [silence]

      Even if I had wanted.

      I couldn't have planned.

      [sound: a hoarse laugh]

      Verb: To plan.

      Etymology: French perhaps.

      To map.

      To scheme.

      To arrange.

      To plot.

      I couldn't have planned for it to happen.

      I've already said.

      I can count the times on my right hand.

      One.

      Two.

      Three.

      I couldn't have planned it.

      You had a problem with ejaculation.

       ~Is that clear enough for you?~

      Ejaculation.

      It's kind of a pretty sounding word.

       ~Don't you think?~

      [sound: a guttural laugh]

      [silence]

      Verb: Ejaculate.

      To eject words or sperm.

      Not sperm.

      Let me be proper.

      Semen.

      Spunk.

      To release words.

      To exclaim.

      Noun: The thing that has been ejaculated.

      The words or the spunky semen.

      Etymology: of Latin origin.

      Perhaps. Ex/e being from or out.

      And iaculari, to throw.

      I think.

      Perhaps.

      Maybe.

      It's a fine word.

      It's a kind of pretty sounding word.

      It's a letting it all come out kind of word.

       ~Am I making you uncomfortable?~

      [sound: creak of a wardrobe door]

      But when it happened.

       ~When you ejaculated into me.~

      Well I had hope.

      I had hope that we would begin a happily ever after.

      [silence]

      You won't know that I counted down the days till my period was due.

      Of course you wouldn't know that.

      You see.

      I was existing in a haze.

      In an exciting blur.

      I was distracted.

      I was often silent.

       ~I know that you didn't notice.~

      You never seemed to notice the signals that I sent to you.

      Signals.

      That implies a discreet code or gesture.

      But even my boom boom booming signals weren't enough.

      Boom.

      Boom boom.

      Boom.

      Boom СКАЧАТЬ