Black Boxes. Caroline Smailes

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      Difficult.

      It always comes back to difficult.

       ~Ok.~

       ~Ok!~

       ~I'll hurry the story along.~

      The Test was positive.

      I was pregnant.

      [silence]

      Pregnant.

      A momentous moment and/or being with child.

      I have adapted the language to suit the context.

      Context is everything.

       ~Is my memory poor?~

      It works backwards.

      The middle is the beginning is the end.

      [sound: a sigh]

      I had waited until I got home.

      I did the Test in my flat.

      I remember it being cold.

      But it couldn't have been that cold.

      It was nearly April.

      I think that

      I was shaking. I was shaking.

       ~Yes I would have been shaking.~

      I would expect to be shaking.

      In that scene.

      In that moment.

      I was shaking as I held the Test in my hands.

      I was shaking as I fumbled with the plastic packaging that wrapped around the Test.

      I remember gripping the seal with my teeth and tugging.

      I remember being desperate to pee.

      Desperate to know.

      [five second silence]

      That memory seems right.

      That memory seems to fit.

       ~Do you know that cold flurry of excitement and nervousness?~

      Like on Christmas morning when you're a child.

      You've hardly slept.

      Your body is shaking.

      Not cold shaking, just a nervous response.

      A nervous energy that has combined with lack of sleep.

      The response is a shake.

      A quiver.

      A bottom lip tremble.

      I remember the moment.

      I had been waiting.

      Counting down.

      Eleven Ten Nine Eight Seven Six Five Four Three Two One.

      And then it was there.

      The moment that seemed to take forever to arrive.

      Well it arrived.

      And I was almost too scared to know if he'd actually been.

       ~Father Christmas of course!~

       ~You don't believe in Father Christmas?~

       ~You've never believed?~

       ~Your mother didn't allow you to fantasise?~

       ~That explains a lot!~

      [sound: a guttural laugh]

      You must have experienced that cold flurry of excitement and nervousness.

       ~I know that you will have.~

      Fumbling in your wallet.

      Checking in your wallet for a ripped out piece of paper.

       ~You know what I'm talking about!~

      That moment just before you masturbated over her image.

      [sound: a guttural laugh]

      I had read the instructions.

      Then I had peed on the non-plastic end of the white plastic stick.

      Then I had perched on the edge of the bath.

       ~Do you remember my post-grad student bathroom?~

      It was exactly the width of the toilet and the small white bath.

      It was snug.

      No shower.

      Cream walls.

      No window.

      But it was always clean.

      The toilet was never grubby.

      But the ceiling was high.

      I am remembering it being too high.

      I couldn't even reach it when I balanced on the bath.

      I couldn't even reach it when I stretched out my arm.

       ~No I'm not exaggerating!~

       ~I remember!~

      You see.

      The light bulb had blown and I couldn't reach to change it.

       ~Or was it that I didn't have a spare?~

      I can't remember.

      Anyway.

      I remember that the bathroom door was open.

      I remember looking through my legs and onto the Test.

      I remember shuffling as my pee emerged to hit the Test.

      Then I remember sitting on the edge of the bath.

      My СКАЧАТЬ