The Real Lady Detective Agency: A True Story. Rebecca Jane

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ

      ‘Hello, is this the detective lady?’

      Suddenly I sober up out of my dizzy state and am on high alert.

      ‘It is. How can I help?’ I walk through to the office, taking my place at my desk and becoming a little more serious. Pen is ready in hand!

      ‘I’m worried about my husband. I don’t think he’s being faithful.’ It’s said in a very matter-of-fact tone.

      I take her name – Jane – then put on my best ‘I care’ voice and ask, ‘OK, is there any reason you think that?’

      ‘There are a few reasons, but mainly it’s because I just have that gut instinct.’

      That sounds scientific! Although I am a huge believer in gut instinct, I need something else to go on.

      ‘He took fourteen minutes to get to work two days ago, and it should only have taken him eight!’

      Oh dear! This doesn’t sound like it’s going to be good, I’m thinking to myself, while rolling my eyes. How can she be timing him so precisely? She must be calling him constantly to check where he is. I let it pass, though.

      ‘And then, I checked out his car mat, and there was mud on the one behind the driver’s seat.’

      I wonder if this is the point when I need to tell her she’s crackers? Everyone gets mud in their car, for all kinds of reasons. But this is our first client so I go along with it.

      ‘Do you have any idea what you would like us to do or shall I talk you through our services?’ I ask, trying to get a little more normality back into this conversation.

      ‘I thought of surveillance, but I’m not too sure.’

      ‘We can do surveillance. We charge £40 per hour, but if you’re too far out of Manchester we would have to charge travel expenses.’

      ‘I’m in Norwich,’ she informs me.

      ‘That’s too far out of our remit to be included, but we could come to you for a charge of 60p per mile,’ I say, making it up on the spot! ‘It sounds as though surveillance would be a good idea if you’re worried about where he is. Do you think he’s going somewhere apart from work? Or do you think he could be straying at other times of day?’

      ‘His work does worry me, and there’s one girl in particular I have concerns about. Muriel. She works with him in the same office. There’ve been rumours before. His Christmas party last year was riddled with gossip that they’d been up to no good.’

      ‘Who said that?’ I ask, thinking to myself that she should have a conversation with the people spreading the rumours.

      ‘Lots of people. One woman in particular I know well; she’s a friend of mine. Although, that being said, she is also a friend of my husband’s. She says they’re flirty in the office. I know he is a very flirty person, and one of those touchy-feely types. Just not with me.’

      ‘The thing to do is stay calm, and try not to let anything be blown out of proportion. People say lots of things, for lots of different and very strange reasons. Quite often they’re not true. Until there’s evidence one way or the other, you really need to stay level-headed for your own sake.’ I try to instil a little bit of sense back into this situation.

      Don’t get me wrong – she could be totally right. With my experience of relationships, I’ve got every reason to feel cynical about men and their ability to be faithful. But her ‘evidence’ doesn’t seem enough to get worked up about – yet.

      ‘I know, I know. It’s just he is such a horrible man. He actually hates me, I know he does. He would have some kind of affair just to get away from me.’

      I begin to think we should talk to a charity or self-help association that will help us to compile a list of symptoms we can tick off to work out when a client is crazy and needs professional help, rather than a bunch of female detectives. Surely we need some kind of insanity clause?

      ‘What is the most important thing for you to find out, if you can?’ I ask her.

      ‘If he is being faithful or not,’ she replies, very certain.

      ‘How sure of his whereabouts are you? Does he go to work at the same time every day? Come home at the same time? What are his weekend patterns like?’

      ‘He goes to work and comes home at almost the same times every day. Like I said, though, the other day it took him fourteen minutes, when it should have taken eight. And he sets off thirty minutes before he needs to. He could be up to lots of things in that time.’

      ‘Right, and what about weekends and evenings?’

      ‘Most are spent with me or our son. Our son is very close to him, although he hates him too! He’s eighteen, and he tries to get out of the house when my husband is home. They’re more like friends than father and son.’

      This sounds a bit contradictory but I leave it. ‘Does he walk a dog? Or have a hobby?’ I ask.

      ‘No, neither.’

      ‘Alright, so the main problem is work?’ Firming up the situation.

      ‘Yes. I think, because of the mud behind the driver’s seat, that he picks up this Muriel he works with and drops her off. I’ve been to the garage to have his car cleaned, so the mud is gone, and if it turns up another day, I’ll know!’

      ‘That’s not a bad idea,’ I tell her, thinking it’s a total waste of time and Googling ‘relationship charity helplines’ while we speak. I’m going to talk to a professional about this problem. I don’t think she’s sane, and I’ve had enough craziness to last a lifetime. ‘Would you want surveillance on him going to work? What about at work? What does he do for a living?’

      ‘He works for an Internet provider in their offices, but you need passes to get inside. I wouldn’t be able to get one. He once took me there, and they wouldn’t let me in.’

      ‘Alright, so surveying him at work isn’t possible. Jane, would you mind if I have a think about it and consider if there’s any equipment we could get you?’

      ‘No, that sounds like a very good idea.’

      We finish the conversation and immediately I ring the charity I’ve just Googled. I explain to them that I’m an investigator with a new client, and I’m not entirely sure about her mental stability. Timing his journey to work by the minute, thinking he’s been up to no good in the space of six minutes and obsessing over some mud in the back of the car … I may have been paranoid during my time with James, but I don’t think I was ever quite that bad. The lady at the charity is very nice, with a lovely tone of voice, and she pretty much comes to the same conclusion as me. My very first client at my brand new detective agency is crazy. But what should I do?

      In bed that night I feel rather uneasy. Do I bother to ring her back, or hope she just finds someone else to do her work? Or do I get a grip, realise we’re running a business and get on with it?

      I can’t tell her where to go! I’d once been that person. I’m sure when I rang the investigators about James that they thought I was barking mad too – but СКАЧАТЬ