The Real Lady Detective Agency: A True Story. Rebecca Jane

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СКАЧАТЬ now that he knows she has access to it! This is why clients’ DIY detective stuff is simply a pain. It does nothing but raise suspicion and make our jobs harder. If she hadn’t done that, he would be a lot less suspicious and we could perhaps have found out something interesting through his profile. I huff, puff and place the order for the body fluid detection kit – something else I had found by Googling. Then I slam the laptop lid down and retreat back to the kitchen, and particularly the kettle … I need a cup of tea!

      A couple of days later, I’m sound asleep in my bed. This time in my dreams I’m up in the Scottish Highlands, staying in a beautiful castle hotel. The spa facilities are amazing, and I’m sat by the tranquil pool while Paris is splashing in the children’s pool, giggling away to herself. I’m even smiling in my sleep, this little scene makes me so happy. I hear a buzzing, a bit like a fly but bigger than that. I can’t put my finger on what it is, but it’s getting louder. It’s ruining my happy place. I’m flapping my hands around my ears, trying to swat the fly. But it’s not a fly. Now it’s sounding almost like a song. A tune. I can’t make it out … and then it clicks. I grab the pillow from the cold side of the bed and hold it tightly over my ears. If I ignore it, it will go away … But it’s not going away. It stops and starts again. It’s my stupid Mission Impossible ring tone. Boy, do I need to change it!

      Huffing, I sit up in bed, a bit like a princess having a very pathetic princess-style strop. My arms are crossed, and I don’t want to answer the phone … but I do anyway.

      ‘Hello.’ I’m sounding a little grumpy about answering, considering it’s (have a look at the clock) 7.30am! What on earth!

      ‘Rebecca? It’s Jane. I have the kit. What do I do now?’

      Oh my goodness. How do I tell her politely to go away?

      ‘There are instructions in the box. What do they say?’ Reading instructions would be far too easy for her. Instead she picks up the ‘let’s piss off Rebecca hotline’. I fall sideways onto the pillows and close my eyes. Jane may be on the other end of the phone, but if I block her out this could all be part of a bad dream. Squeeze my eyes shut …

      ‘They say to run the stick over the item, followed by some liquid stuff that’s got to go on it.’

      My eyes are wide open and, nope, she’s still there! She’s on the end of a phone, but she may as well be sat at the bottom of my bed poking my feet for how annoying she is.

      ‘OK, so do that then.’

      ‘I’ve done that already. Now what?’

      ‘How long does it say the test will take?’ If I stay matter-of-fact, these conversations could possibly last less than an hour. I don’t need a repeat of the ninety-minute marathon one.

      ‘Thirty minutes.’

      ‘How long has it been on?’

      ‘Two minutes.’

      ‘OK, so wait another twenty-eight minutes and see how it goes. Any problems, ring me back, OK?’

      ‘Of course, thank you.’ And she hangs up. I can breathe a sigh of relief.

      My eyes close again and I’m being transported once more. I’m on an aeroplane, on my way to New York. A boy from school is sat next to me, and I wonder if that’s a sign?

      The phone … ringing … Mission Impossible … again … and it dawns on me. Mission impossible. I’ve jinxed myself. This is mission impossible.

      ‘It’s negative,’ Jane tells me, and I’m not surprised.

      ‘Ah,’ I say. Very productive.

      ‘I know. But how accurate are these things? I was so sure.’

      Oh dear no, please no, don’t let me have to go into an hour-long conversation about how accurate the tests are. There’s no pleasing the woman; she won’t believe me.

      ‘Very accurate. I spoke with my equipment supplier yesterday,’ I tell her, dodging the question neatly.

      ‘Oh really, what did he suggest?’

      ‘He said that the best thing would be an audio device, and I’m inclined to agree. You can’t get into Tom’s office, and neither can we, but if you place this item somewhere you’ll be able to hear everything that goes on in the vicinity. Or else you can leave it entirely up to us and we’ll monitor it for you and document the findings.’

      ‘That sounds like a good idea.’ After that she was on the phone for at least an hour wanting to know how the audio device works, how long it works for, how much it will cost. Followed by what a miserable life she has because of him, and all the rest of the things we’ve gone through a thousand times since I took on her case. Suddenly it dawns on me why solicitors charge for phone calls.

      The same constantly needy Jane calls me goodness knows how many times over the next three days, which is how long it takes for her audio equipment to get to me. Chai, thankfully, is amazing at shipping quickly. Goodness knows how I’d have coped with this woman if he wasn’t.

      At this stage I can honestly say I think she’s crazy and that her husband isn’t up to anything. The things she’s worrying over are, for want of a better word, pathetic. Still, as our new motto goes, everyone needs help, regardless of finances or circumstances. If this is helping her, who am I to argue? Without any doubt, where I’ve gone very wrong is in letting her use me as a counsellor. That’s something I’m not. She’s been telling me so many horrible things, I honestly believe she is suffering some form of mental torture from her husband. I’ve told her speak to a professional and get help but she doesn’t seem to take it in. Instead she rings me at the stupidest hours of the day and night and tells me everything. Very sad really. As much as she cheeses me off, I do have a soft spot for her.

      We’ve had lots of conversations over the last couple of days. I made it very clear to her that if she was going to use the device she needed to tell him, otherwise, as I advised her, it would be illegal. Initially Jane was going to put the device in his car, but then she changed her mind. Then she decided on the garage, because he takes all his phone calls in there, but then she changed her mind. Next, she was going to put it in the lounge and go away for a few days, but then she changed her mind. Finally, we settled on a place. Jane was going to take the matchbox-size device and sew it into his laptop bag. That way it would be with him in the car, and in his workplace. No way would he be able to find it.

      Two days later, at 8am in the morning, I start to listen in, typing up notes on what I hear.

      8am – ‘And you are gold – GOLD – Always believe in your soooooouuuullllll … You got the power to know!’ Nope, singing. Not up to anything.

      9am – all quiet. He was in a morning briefing.

      10am – still in the briefing.

      11am – tap tap tapping away. He’s typing.

      12pm – chatting to a co-worker (male) about what sandwich to have for lunch. Yawn.

      1pm – chatting to another co-worker about a PowerPoint presentation for tomorrow morning.

      2pm – tap tap tapping away again.

      3pm – OH … MY … GOD! Er, what I’m listening СКАЧАТЬ