Mr Unbelievable. Chris Kamara

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СКАЧАТЬ to check the 90 minutes was up but I’d rather keep that a secret – whoops!

      In the words of Roy Walker in Catchphrase, ‘Just say what you see.’

      From mid-morning, Kamaracam is up and running. I usually get to the ground as early as I can so I can catch up with the team news and have a chat with a few people at the ground, just to get some extra background on the game and what’s going on at the club. At around 2.30, climbing into the commentary gantry can sometimes be an uncomfortable business. I remember our position at Portsmouth used to be particularly dangerous, until they eventually moved us. Nobody ever actually got injured, but that was a miracle really.

      Once the game gets under way, Carly Bassett will communicate with me. She can see me on camera in the studio, but I can only hear her. The production guys also watch all the games, so as soon as someone scores in my game or an incident of note takes place, they can cut to me shortly after.

      As the game progresses, Carly will tell me when I’m due to go live. ‘We’ve got three waiting to come in and you’re next.’ It’s a bit like air-traffic control at Heathrow, but without all the drunk pilots and near misses, though some people would argue that we suffer a lot of those as well. It can be a frustrating business. Sometimes there might be a penalty decision or goal and the studio can’t get to me until minutes later. Other times they want me to give a report even though absolutely nothing has happened at all. That’s when I have to say, ‘Boring game, nothing has happened here.’

      Sometimes, though, the action goes on behind me without me even knowing. The most famous instance of this – and I say famous because everyone who missed it on Soccer Saturday could watch it on the internet, and plenty have ! – happened when I was commentating on Fulham against Middlesbrough at Craven Cottage. My monitor shows all the action so I can see in detail what’s happening on the pitch when I have to turn my back on it to deliver my report. At one point that day the monitor decided to pack up. Typically this was the moment Fulham chose to score, as you can see from the action replay:

      JEFF: ‘Is there any way back for Fulham against Middlesbrough, I wonder? Chris Kamara…’

      

      KAMMY: ‘Well they’re trying, Jeff. Papa Bouba Diop, the man mountain himself, is playing as a striker and he’s got [David] Healy on one side of him and Diamansi Kamara on the other side and … it’s Papa Bouba Diop with a header! AAAAGH! AH! It’s a goal! It’s a goal, Jeff! Is it David Healy? He’s running away… Andy D’Urso’s playing on… Sorry, my monitor’s down again! [Turning around frantically] I’m looking over my shoulder… What? I don’t really know … the assistant… Has he given it? [Complete panic flashes across my face] Oh, the assistant hasn’t given it, I don’t think, Jeff. No! The referee hasn’t given it either… Don’t really know what’s happening, Jeff. Ha, ha! [cue: laughter from the studio panel] Could be, could be not… Ha, ha, ha!’

      

      JEFF: ‘I tell you what, Kammy, it’s not the first time you’ve not known what’s happening, but I can tell you, well, the ball went in from close range, Schwarzer got both hands to it, it’s over the line! There’s no question the ball is over the line, but the referee has not given it. And Fulham, well, 2–1 behind, Middlesbrough still lead, but that ball was a foot and a half over the line before Schwarzer managed to scramble it clear. They’re still playing and there’s going to be real controversy over that one.’

      

      These little disasters have made the show an unbelievable success. Soccer Saturday has definitely revolutionised football coverage – other TV channels have tried to copy it, but they’re still nowhere near as good as we are. It’s also made a name for all the lads working on the show. Most of them had much greater success and fame during their playing careers than I did, and yet today my popularity as part of the Sky gang never fails to amaze me.

       CHAPTER FOUR KAMMY’S TV TWERP

      OK, you’ve heard of Harry Hill’s TV Burps, so now let me introduce you to Kammy’s TV Twerps.

      Over the years as Soccer Saturday’s roving reporter extraordinaire, I’ve made some bloopers and gaffes, usually at the rate of three an hour. Most of these are available for you to laugh at on the internet and, believe me, a lot of football fans have thrown them back at me over the years. But for those of you away from your computer at this moment, here’s the transcript of the more calamitous moments. And please excuse my poor use of the English language in these following clips as I do tend on occasions to have trouble with my worms. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I can get very, very excited … unless you ask my wife, of course – she’ll tell you she doesn’t remember the last time I got excited, but that’s another story, even another three chapters.

      These are the clips that change this particular roving reporter extraordinaire to roving reporter extraordinary.

      ON ALEX McLEISH

      ‘Alex McLeish has his hands in his head.’

      IN THE BUILD-UP TO WIGAN v. WEST HAM

      KAMMY: [Smirking] ‘I’ve had a chat with both managers and obviously I can’t tell you the teams, but Wigan are unchanged and Lucas Neill plays for West Ham.’

      

      JEFF: [Sighing] ‘OK, thanks very much for keeping that to yourself, Chris.’

      ON A STRUGGLING NOTTINGHAM FOREST

      ‘It’s real end-to-end stuff, but unfortunately, it’s all up Forest’s end.’

      ON AN ALAN SHEARER GOAL

      ‘They’ve one man to thank for that goal: Alan Shearer. And they’ve also got to thank referee Alan Wilkie.’

      ON JUNIOR LEWIS

      ‘Not only has referee Graham Poll shown Junior Lewis the red card, but he’s sent him off!’

      ON BURNLEY

      ‘For Burnley to win, they’re going to have to score!’

      ON CHELSEA 0 SCUNTHORPE 1

      JEFF: ‘It’s not 0–0 at Stamford Bridge, the deadlock broken very early on, but it’s Scunthorpe who’ve scored!’

      

      KAMMY: [High-pitched laughter] ‘Jeff, you’re not going to believe this, it’s incredible… Can they believe it? I can’t believe it! Ha, ha! They’re winning one–nil!’

      ON FULHAM

      JEFF: ‘Have Fulham got their just deserts?’

      

      KAMMY: ‘They have and they deserve it!’

      ON СКАЧАТЬ