Friendship Fails of Emma Nash. Chloe Seager

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СКАЧАТЬ How do you feel about meeting someone new?

       • I’m ready for a new relationship

      Too keen. Also she’s blatantly still hung up on her stripper ex-boyfriend Olly.

       • I’m not looking for a relationship

      Then why would you be on here? Go on Adult Friend Finder.

       • I’d rather not say

      That’s very cagey.

       • Let’s see what happens

      I’ve gone with this because it is the only response that is halfway normal.

       Relationship status:

       • Never married

       • Separated

       • Divorced

       • Widowed

       • I’d rather not say

      What is it with this ‘I’d rather not say’ business? If anyone is actually ticking the ‘I’d rather not say’ option under ‘relationship status’, they should really just make a box for ‘married’. Because that’s what it means, isn’t it.

       Children:

       • Yes

       • No

       • I’d rather not say

      Genius. I’ve clicked ‘I’d rather not say’.

       Personality type:

       • Adventurous

       • Confident

       • Easy-going

       • Funny

       • Generous

       • Reserved

       • Sensitive

       • Sociable

       • Spontaneous

       • Other

      Hmm… I suppose I could put ‘easy-going’ just to be ironic.

      Now picking out hobbies. ‘Going to the doctor about various illnesses you don’t have’ isn’t on here so that’s pretty much half her life out. I checked salsa and t’ai chi. I was actually really proud writing about her business and her interior designing stuff, she’s done so well to start her own company… And to raise a child ALONE at the same time… I should probably be nicer to her. Probably.

      The thought crossed my mind, thank God I’ve got fashion designing, now, because ‘internet stalking’ and ‘masturbating’ apparently don’t count as proper hobbies.

       posted by EditingEmma 17.38

      WE HAVE A MESSAGE. FROM ‘JOHN247’.

      It says: ‘If beauty were a time, you’d be an eternity ;)’

      To think, just thirty seconds ago I was so eager to read this message from this strange man. I feel dirty.

       posted by EditingEmma 18.36

      Mum stomped upstairs yelling, ‘EMMA! EMMA!’ as if I wouldn’t hear her.

      ‘WHY am I getting email notifications from strange men saying they’d be happy to give me a full body work-up? Or that I’ve clearly got a case of beautiful womanitis?’

      ‘It’s better your potential future partner knows about your hypochondria now, Mum.’

      Then she launched into a lecture,‘You’ve got no respect for me, blah blah’. Rather ungrateful, if I do say so myself.

      ‘I was just trying to help!!’ I defended.

      ‘I don’t need your help.’

      ‘I think you do, Mum.’

      ‘I think you’re the one who can play full episodes of Pretty Little Liars in her head, without even turning on the TV.’

      She had me there. Anyway, then she stormed off. Woops.

       Evidence: Just because you’ve stopped looking for love yourself, don’t interfere in other people’s love lives. Lesson learned.

       posted by EditingEmma 23.26

       Nagging Thoughts

      I’m trying to sleep, but I keep thinking about things. I know it’s completely, completely irrational, but… I feel kind of afraid. Steph’s beginning this whole new thing without me. This feels different to anyone else she’s dated (e.g. Jonno and his fascinatingly small head). It seems…more important somehow. Older. And in all honesty, I’m completely, selfishly terrified. I’ve put all my eggs in one basket and suddenly I’m being expected to share them. Andy’s eating my eggs.

      The second thing is that damned, unrelenting thorn in my side: my horniness. I’m usually fine with masturbating but…I don’t know… Ever since being with my ex-boyfriend Greg (who I misguidedly dated to get over Leon, which, even though I did like Greg a lot, was an awful idea) I guess I’ve realized that even if boys can be a little bit…um…inexpert at aiding you with your horniness, they still, somehow, manage it just by being there, in a way that is somehow a bit more fulfilling than masturbation.

      I know. More fulfilling than masturbation. Who knew?

      So now, all I keep imagining is being with someone who is good at aiding you with your horniness, who is not you, and well…it’s a nice thought.

      And a little bit incompatible with being alone.

      I’ve tried to quiet my horniness by ignoring it. I really have. Sort of like how leaving a baby alone wailing in a room instead of holding it is meant to be character-building. But thus far my horn hasn’t shut up and developed a good, strong personality, it just keeps persisting louder and LOUDER.

      The third thing is…UGH. I hate admitting this. The third thing is that even though I have stopped stalking Leon online, I have occasionally stalked him in my mind. Sometimes his name just comes into my brain. Or his face. Or a moment we had together. Just like one of those stupid montage videos they make of you and another person…but IN MY HEAD.

      It’s СКАЧАТЬ