Dorothy Rowe’s Guide to Life. Dorothy Rowe

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ closed. I’ll let a few people into the front rooms. They’re cheerful, nicely furnished rooms, good for work and socializing. There’s a room behind the front rooms where I let only one or two people in. It’s a rather sombre room. That’s where I am when I’m not with people. Beneath that room there’s a cellar. I keep the door to the cellar locked. There’s something terrible in that cellar. If people knew about what’s at the centre of my house that would be the end of me.’

      Most people experience their existence as being something like this house.

      Some people try to pretend that their cellar and its terrible contents don’t exist. This pretence leaves them feeling that they don’t have a whole house, just a facade of a house. They feel that they aren’t a person, just a facade of a person. They spend their time in their front room socializing and being good and kind to people. They need to be busy and have lots of excitement to stop them being aware of the emptiness and darkness lurking inside themselves.

      Other people are always aware of the danger in the cellar. They believe that the only way to keep the cellar locked and hidden is for them to be very good. If they’re a good son/daughter, wife/husband, father/mother, employer/employee, friend and citizen they can keep the evil danger inside them well locked away. This is a never-ending task and their vigilance must be constant.

       Most people believe that they are, in essence, bad and unacceptable, but that if they keep this essence hidden, and if they work hard to be good, other people won’t discover how bad they are and they’ll be accepted, and even liked and laved.

       Most people believe that this is how they are, and that this is fixed and unchangeable.

      If this is what you believe, then you are mistaken.

      When you were born you didn’t experience yourself as being bad and unacceptable. When you were born you/your house was open-plan and everyone was invited in. You didn’t know anything about cellars and dangerous, dark forces inside you. You were as you were, open, curious, trusting, wanting to love and be loved, to please and be pleased.

      Then the people around you, the very ones you wanted to please so they would love you, began suggesting that there was something nasty inside you and that your open-plan house needed a cellar where this nastiness could be locked away. This nastiness had names. There was greed (‘Babies should be fed at regular intervals and not just when they want to be fed’), dirtiness (‘You’ve soiled yourself. You’re disgusting’), selfishness (‘Wait your turn’), aggression (‘You’re a wicked child to hit your sister’).

      All the time you were interpreting what was happening to you.

      (You developed the ability to create meaning while you were still in the womb. We begin creating interpretations long before we have a language in which to describe these interpretations. Our interpretations take the form of feelings, images and sounds. Studies of babies in the womb show that they prefer the sweet melodies of Mozart to the taut sharpness of Stravinsky. No doubt once born they can distinguish the sound of ‘Dearest darling’ from the sound of ‘You filthy pig’ even though they don’t know the meaning of the words.)

      Like everyone else, the only way you could create your interpretations was to use your past experience. But you were a tiny child. You didn’t have much experience but you did try to create the very best interpretations that you possibly could. You interpreted events and drew conclusions from your interpretations.

      You found the world to be a very confusing place. Fortunately your mother explained the world to you.

      There you were, toddling along on unsteady feet and your mother said, ‘Be careful or you’ll fall and hurt yourself.’

      You took no notice. Then you fell over and hurt yourself. You drew a conclusion from this. You thought, ‘My mum knows what’s what. She tells me the truth.’

      Soon after you had another accident. Perhaps you wet yourself or knocked over a glass of milk. Your mother said, ‘You disgusting, wicked child. You’ll be the death of me’ (or words to that effect).

      Using your past experience you interpreted what she said.

      You had found out that your mother knows the world and tells the truth. (You had no idea that she’d quarrelled with your father and was taking her bad feelings out on you.)

      For you the truth now is that you disgust your mother and you are so wicked that you will kill her with your wickedness.

      This dangerous, disgusting wickedness is inside you.

      And so your open-plan house acquires an inner room.

      You know now that this inner room can get you into trouble.

      And so it does.

      You find yourself in a situation from which you cannot escape and in which an adult whom you rely on is inflicting pain on you.

      Perhaps it’s your mother or father, who love you and only want ‘the best’ for you. They want you to be clean and toilet-trained. They want you to do as you’re told, to be a sweet, pleasant, good child, a credit to them as parents. So they punish you when you’re not.

      Perhaps your parents have abandoned you. Perhaps they don’t want you, or perhaps they’re doing the best they can for you but have to earn a living. Perhaps they’re ill, or dead.

      Perhaps an adult is beating you, or using you in strange and painful ways.

      Whatever the situation, it is for you the extremes of pain and danger.

      You interpret the situation as, ‘I am being punished by my bad parent.’

      Then you remember that you depend on this bad parent and you feel even more frightened.

      What can you do?

      You can do what we all do when we are in a situation from which we cannot escape and which is causing us pain.

      We can change how we interpret the situation.

      This is what you do.

      You remember that dark room in your self/house. You realize that it is your fault that you are suffering. Your interpretation of the situation now becomes, ‘I am bad and am being punished by my good parent.’

      Now you are safe in the care of you good parent.

      Now your house has a cellar that contains something dark and dangerous and which you must keep hidden.

      Now you can never just be yourself.

      Now you know you must be good. Soon you are an expert in being good.

      Some unlucky children do more than just learn how to be good. Perhaps this happened to you. Perhaps instead of that extreme situation occurring just a few times in your early childhood it occurred again and again. The adult you relied on kept inflicting pain on you.

      How could you keep telling yourself that this adult was good and you deserved this punishment?

      By re-interpreting your interpretation.

      You decide that, ‘I am bad and am being punished by my good parent, and when I grow up I shall punish bad people in the way I was punished.’

СКАЧАТЬ