How Not to Act Old: 185 Ways to Pass for Cool, Sound, Wicked, or at Least Not Totally Lame. Pamela Satran Redmond

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#3 Unstrap that Rolex

      ‘What?’ you ask. ‘What’s the problem with my watch? Ohhhh, maybe it’s that I’m not supposed to wear something so expensive strapped around my wrist. I guess that’s the thing that makes me look old, bourgeois and overly self-satisfied.’

      Well, yeah, except that’s not really the problem. The problem is wearing any watch at all. The young do not wear watches. In fact, a naked wrist has become as emblematic of youth as ungrey hair and a perky butt.

      Young people use their mobile phones to tell the time, and if you want to seem young, you should too. Just remember to flip your phone open or light it up with one hand, and to use your thumb – not your index finger – to do whatever it is you need to do. And try to make out the numbers without having to put on your glasses.

#4 Don’t Fear the Waxer

      Listen, you can have all the work in the world done. You can get Botoxed and Restalyned till you’re smooth as a balloon; you can have your boobs lifted to your chin and your tummy tucked into your backbone.

      But if you don’t wax down there, anybody who gets close enough – and that includes the entire changing room at the gym – is going to know you’re old.

      Waxing is one of the major differences between young and older women. We came of age feeling it was sacrilegious to so much as pluck one hair; they decided to shear most of it off. And even when we thought maybe we’d surprise our husbands for our twentieth anniversary, we were nervous. We saw The 40-Year-Old Virgin, after all. We knew it was going to hurt, plus be embarrassing, plus who knew what kind of diseases we might pick up.

      If you’re a Waxing Virgin, don’t be afraid. It’s not that bad. And the alternative is even worse: old below the belt.

40-YEAR-OLD BIKINI-WAXING VIRGIN? 9 THINGS TO EXPECT

      1 The waxer will be waaaay more comfortable than you. After all, she’s done this lots of time before.

      2 While it’s not strictly necessary to trim your pubic hair before you get waxed, waxing is easier if the hair is shorter to begin with, so you may want to get a head start.

      3 If you’re getting an American wax – which is just a basic clean-up – you can leave your panties on. The waxer may twist and/or knot them to leave the sides of your groin area exposed for waxing.

      4 A French wax is, technically, when you take most of the hair off, leaving only a ‘landing strip’ down the centre front, which can be anywhere from a thin line to a couple of inches wide.

      5 A Brazilian, which you’ve undoubtedly heard about, is technically getting it all taken off – though you can also specify a Brazilian with a landing strip, which some people call a (yuck) Mohawk.

      6 The varying terminology means you can’t just resort to some euphemistic shorthand such as ‘I’d like a Brazilian’ and be sure you’re not going to walk out of there looking like a plucked chicken. Unfortunately, at least the first time, you’re going to have to spell it all out.

      7 Does it hurt? Yes, though a couple of aspirin taken a half hour before can help. Lotion or baby powder and wearing a soft pair of tracksuit bottoms instead of stiff jeans home from the salon is also advised.

      8 The big question: Why do it? Sex, baby. Assuming you’re not parading around regularly in a string bikini, feeling sexier – and looking hotter – is the only conceivable rationale for a bikini wax.

      9 The bigger downside: if you like it, you’re going to have to keep doing it. How often? As frequently as every three or four weeks. Ouch!

#5 Avoid Direct Confrontation

      Maybe it’s this silent, desktop world we inhabit. Maybe it’s the new culture of positivity and triumph over depression. But having a big confrontation, complete with shouting, threats, revelations and tears, is a decidedly old, out-of-it thing to do.

      If young people want to drop you or stop seeing you, they’ll just stop returning your messages. Or defriend you on Facebook. If they’re angry about something you’ve done to them, they’ll blog about it. Or send topless pictures of you on their mobile phones to all their friends. I’m not kidding.

      So what do you do if you have a problem with someone young? First, do some deep breathing, take a yoga class, smoke a joint, drink a martini – whatever you need to do to get in a more, ahem, relaxed mood. Then, if you must raise the issue, do so electronically, couched in passive-aggressive – or even passive-passive – language. Say you’re having some ‘issues’ with the ‘process’. Or rather, say ‘I’m wondering whether you’re having an issue with our process?’

      Question marks at the end of every sentence are good. Then, if the other person responds, don’t reply. Or take at least twice as long to respond as he or she took in the first place. If you’re as wise as you should be by your age, you’ll learn to keep your mouth shut until the problem disappears by itself … or the offending young person moves away.

#6 Don’t Leave a Message

      This is a weird one, contributed by my nineteen-year-old son Joe. Only old people leave voice mails, says Joe. Young people, accustomed to communicating by mobile phone rather than landline, figure that their missed connections will see their number in missed calls and return the call if they want or need to talk. Urgent message? Send a text.

      Since discovering this tip, I and several other old people of my acquaintance have tried it with amazing results. Before, when I had something important to tell a student or an assistant or a child, I’d leave a long, detailed voice message on her mobile phone … and never get called back.

      Then I tried leaving a short, detailed message: ‘Call me as soon as you get this.’

      Maybe three days later, I’d hear from her – when I’d forgotten why I called in the first place.

      Then I started using the magic technique. Say nothing. Just hang up. And like magic, the young people in my life started returning my calls instantly.

      What this tells us:

       Unlike you, when a young person doesn’t answer his mobile phone, it’s not because he a) didn’t hear it, b) forgot to charge it, or c) left it in his other bag. When a young person doesn’t answer his mobile phone, it’s because he saw your name and number on the screen and didn’t want to talk to you.

       If you leave a detailed message, she’ll be so annoyed that she won’t listen to the message, nor will she call you back because she’ll be under the illusion that she’s already talked to you – or, more precisely, that you’ve already talked to her.

       If you say nothing, you’ll be speaking his language (see #77: Don’t Fear the Silence). Plus, he’ll get nervous that what you have to tell him is so bad or so good you couldn’t leave it on voice mail. Plus, he’ll be curious. And he’ll call you back.

#7 Don’t Dance to ‘Sexual Healing’

      Dancing to a sexy song – especially an old sexy song – is probably all right as long as there aren’t any other people around – particularly any young people. But if young people are watching, attempting to get lost enough in moving to the music to enjoy СКАЧАТЬ