Mr. Punch's History of Modern England. Volume 3 of 4.—1874-1892. Graves Charles Larcom

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СКАЧАТЬ capable statesman, as Leader of the House of Commons. The shades of Dizzy and Pam are friendly in the cartoon which records the promotion; slightly anxious on the score of Mr. Balfour's youth – he was then forty-four – but on the whole inclined to think that he will do. Parliament was dissolved in June, the Liberals were returned at the Elections, and the new House met on the now ominous date of August 4.

NATIONAL DEFENCE

      "Scuttle" and "Grab"

      In the 'seventies Punch, as we have seen, was decidedly non-interventionist. By the middle 'eighties he found it harder to preserve a middle course between the extremes of Jingoism and Pacificism, though he bestows impartial ridicule on both "Scuttle and Grab" in his burlesque forecast of the alternate foreign policies of the ultra-Imperialists and the ultra-Radicals. This was published early in 1885, when the Liberals were in power, and though deliberately fantastical and even farcical, shows how the wildest anticipations are sometimes verified by fact. Four periods are chosen. In 1890 the Grab Party inaugurate a forward policy all round by spending fifty millions upon the Army and Fleet, and are turned out by John Bull when it is found that their schemes involve: —

      The seizure of sixteen islands, conquest of five native races, absorption of fifty thousand square miles of – useless – new territory, seven small wars, two large ones, four massacres, and an Income-tax of five shillings in the pound.

      The Scuttle Party is installed in power in 1895 with a big majority and bigger promises: —

      Finishes off all wars by caving in all round, retiring everywhere and relinquishing everything. Cuts down Army, and resolves to sell half the Ironclad Fleet as old metal. Power which buys it immediately utilizes it against us. Another Fleet has to be ordered at once at fancy prices in response to Press clamour. Scuttle Party, in cleft stick, halts between two opinions; in pursuit of peace is found fighting all over the world, and after frantic efforts at economy, runs up Income-tax to six shillings in the pound. John Bull turns out Scuttle Party.

      Then we jump to A.D. 2000, but even then the wildest stretch of Punch's imagination does not exceed the establishment of conscription and the raising of the Army to a million men. Finally in his last forecast Punch is reduced to solving the problem by an insurrection under a popular soap-boiler, the seizure of the leaders of the two parties, and the banishing of both "Scuttle" and "Grab" from the political dictionary.

      With the return of the Conservatives to power, we find that Punch, so far from rebuking the Government for their expenditure on bloated armaments, develops into something like an alarmist on the subject of national preparedness and the folly of "cheap defences." The inefficiency of the Army and Navy is a constant theme from 1887 onwards. The bursting of big naval guns, the badness of munitions and designs for battleships are dealt with in bitter satirical verses: while the damaging report of the Parliamentary Committee on Army equipment and stores prompts a series of advertisements of the "Benevolent Bayonet," the "Blazing Breech-loader," the "Comic Cartridge," and so on. Dishonest contractors and incompetent officials are attacked as "the Vultures of Trade" and "the Vermin of Office and Mart." The persistent discouragement of volunteers by the military authorities was an old grievance of Punch's, and it crops up in this year in connexion with the removal of the camp from Wimbledon by order of "George Ranger." Indeed, the bitterness of Punch's attack on the Duke of Cambridge revives the memories of the 'forties, when a duke, royal or otherwise, was his favourite cockshy: —

      Snubbing the Volunteers

      Some prate of patriotism, and some of cheap defence,

      But to the high official mind that's all absurd pretence;

      For of all the joys of snubbing, there's none to it so dear,

      As to snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!

      A patriotic Laureate may bid the Rifles form,

      And Citizens may look to them for safety in War's storm;

      But Secretaries, Dooks, and such at this delight to jeer,

      And to snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!

      A semi-swell he may be, but he may be a mere clerk,

      And he's an interloper, and to snub him is a lark.

      Sometimes he licks the Regulars, and so our duty's clear,

      'Tis to snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!

      He hankers for an increase in his Capitation Grant,

      It's like his precious impudence, and have the lift he shan't.

      What, make it easier for him to run us close? No fear!

      We'll snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!

      He has a fad for Wimbledon, but that is just a whim,

      And as eviction's all the go, we'll try it upon him.

      He's not an Irish tenant, so no one will interfere,

      When once more we snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!

      His targets and his tents and things are nuisances all round,

      As Jerry-Builders, Dooks, and other Toffs have lately found,

      Compared with bricks and mortar and big landlords he's small beer,

      So we'll snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!

      The Common's vastly handy, there's no doubt, to chaps in town,

      And crowds of Cockneys to the butts can quickly hurry down;

      But what are all Town's Cockneys to one solitary Peer?

      No; let us snub, snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!

      Your Citizen who wants to play at soldiers need not look

      To have his little way as though he were a Royal Dook;

      With building-leases – sacred things! – he must not interfere,

      So let us snub, snub, snub, snub, snub the British Volunteer!

      If he must shoot his annual shoot somewhere, why, let him go

      To Pirbright or to Salisbury Plain, or e'en to Jericho.

      But out from his loved Wimbledon he'll surely have to clear,

      A final snub, snub, snub, snub, snub to the British Volunteer!

      Punch was not generous or just in representing the Duke of Cambridge as a mere obstructive; and the sequel has not verified his forecast. Wimbledon Common remains a great playground of the people, and the annual meetings of the National Rifle Association, held at Wimbledon from 1860 to 1888, have not suffered in prestige or value since the move to Bisley in 1890.

      References to the inadequate state of the national defences reach their highest frequency in 1888. We have the duel between Lord Randolph Churchill preaching retrenchment and Lord Charles Beresford advocating expenditure on an increased Navy. This is followed up by Punch's "Alarmist Alphabet" dedicated to our naval and military experts, to whose warnings our rulers attach no particular importance: —

      A's the Alarm that the Country's defenceless.

      B's the Belief such assertions are senseless.

      C's the Commission that sits with regard to them;

      D's our Defences – the one topic barred to them!

      E's the Expense – it's supposed we shall grudge it!

      F is the Fear of increasing the Budget.

      G stands for Guns, which we thought we had got.

      H is the Howl when we hear we have not.

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