Married Life. Buckstone John Baldwin

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      Cod. ’Twas the only thing I could hit upon. I sat upon my wife’s music-stool – for five whole days. I ate, drank, lived and twirled upon a music-stool; – all through sitting in a draught – do shut your windows, there’s a dear.

      Mrs. Cod. You’ll suffocate me some day, Coddle – I know you will. You don’t know what a life I lead with him, Mrs. Lynx – five blankets in July – think o’that.

      Cod. Highly necessary – we are more liable to take cold in hot weather, than in any other. I always have four colds, one rheumatism, and two stiff necks every July.

      Mrs. Cod. What d’ye think he did a week ago, Mrs. Lynx? I had retired early: in the middle of the night I awoke in such a state of alarm – I really thought the room beneath us was on fire – the air of my apartment was so hot, so sultry, that I could not draw my breath. I gasped for air; What can be the matter, I said to myself? Surely I’ve been suddenly transported to the Indies, and there is a thunder-storm brewing. I rose – I opened the windows —

      Cod. And almost killed me on the spot; there was a strong north wind blowing at that moment – enough to wither one. – Imprudent woman.

      Mrs. Cod. ’Twas a fine bracing night breeze – but out of kindness to Coddle, I immediately closed the windows – Phew. Oh, gracious, had you but have felt the heat – I fainted away in the easy chair – Coddle rang the bell – the servants came – and to my horror, we discovered that Coddle had clandestinely introduced a German stove into the bed-room, and there it was, red hot. Think what a person of my temperament must have endured. I’ve been ill ever since.

      Cod. Doctor Heavysides recommended it; he said ’twas the only thing that could save my life, and rescue me from a threatened pulmonary complaint. I’ve had a wheezing cough ever since its removal – barbarous woman! – (Coughs.)

      Mrs. Cod. You seem dull, Mrs. Lynx.

      Mrs. Ly. I’m not in very good spirits.

      Mrs. Cod. Ah! we poor wives all have our little troubles.

      Cod. And we poor husbands, too. Mrs. Coddle wont let me wear a hair-skin comforter – did you ever hear of such cruelty?

      Mrs. Cod. He thinks of nothing but his own personal ease.

      Cod. I’m obliged; there’s no one else thinks of it for me.

      Mrs. Cod. He’s the most apathetic creature living – no life, no passion, no impulse. I do like to see a husband subject to some little caprices of temper. If Coddle, now, were inclined to jealousy – and would scold me well – and throw things about – and go into a fury now and then – I should be the happiest woman in the world; but he wont – there he sits, from morning till night, as carefully wrapped up as an Egyptian mummy. I really think he is one; he is – he’s King Cheops. Cheops – (aside to MRS. LYNX) – oh, Mrs. Lynx, I’d give the world to make him jealous. But what is the matter with you, have you had words with your husband?

      Mrs. Ly. I confess that we have had a trifling disagreement, this morning.

      Mrs. Cod. How delightful! – Coddle, why don’t you go into a passion and knock me down.

      Cod. My dear, if I were to go into a passion, and suddenly cool, as I know I should, the checking of the perspiration would be the death of me – I should die.

      Lynx. Good morning, my friends; I am going to leave you; don’t you hurry away on my account.

      Mrs. Ly. There’s no necessity for that; I shall be alone the whole day.

       Mrs. Cod. (To MRS. LYNX.) – Ah! you are a happy woman in possessing such a husband! Look at him, Coddle; observe his manner – his air. Why don’t you dress in that fashion?

      Cod. Me! as thinly clad as Mr. Lynx is now – would you see me in my grave? Ugh! I shudder to look at him.

      Mrs. Cod. I’m sorry that you are going out. – (To LYNX.) – I thought to have passed a very pleasant morning in your society.

      Mrs. Ly. (Aside) – I’m certain there’s an understanding between them. – (Watching them with suspicion.)

      Mrs. Cod. (To LYNX) – A word with you – (she whispers LYNX, and laughs) – Eh? Ha! Ha! Ha! it would be very droll, now – would it not?

      Lynx. Ha! Ha! very, indeed.

      Mrs. Cod. I shall endeavour —

      Lynx. Do, do – rely upon me. Ha! Ha!

      Mrs. Cod. Ha! Ha! Ha!

      Lynx. Adieu, my friends, adieu. Good morning, Mrs. L. If I do not return by five, you need not expect me till late. Adieu.

      Mrs. Ly. May I ask, madam, why you whispered my husband?

      Mrs. Cod. A mere matter of pleasantry.

      Mrs. Ly. Indeed!

      Mrs. Cod. He’s the most charming creature living, is that husband of yours. I wish my poor drone was like him.

      Mrs. Ly. I should be sorry to make your husband unhappy, madam —

      Mrs. Cod. Do, do – make him wretched, there’s a love – but for once.

      Mrs. Ly. I don’t comprehend you, madam – I can only observe, that your conduct to my husband, a moment since, was as ill-mannered as it seemed suspicious.

      Mrs. Cod. He’s a fine spirited man. – (Looking at CODDLE, who is busy wrapping himself closely up.)

       Mrs. Ly. Indeed! pray, madam, what might be the subject of your whispers?

      Mrs. Cod. I never betray confidence.

      Mrs. Ly. Surely you are not that base woman, who, under the mask of friendship, seeks to ruin my peace. I have watched your behaviour before, madam, and I am now convinced there is some secret correspondence existing between you and my husband; and how Mr. Coddle can sit there, and affect to be blind to your actions, I am at a loss to conceive.

      Cod. Blind – me affect to be blind – what is there to see, madam?

      Mrs. Cod. (Aside.) – This is delicious; – if Coddle would but listen to her.

      Mrs. Ly. To see! – quit my house, and from this moment I trust that neither of you will ever enter it again.

      Cod. What have we done?

      Mrs. Ly. (To MRS. CODDLE.) – I look upon you, madam, as a dangerous woman.

      Cod. So she is – my night-caps are never thoroughly aired.

      Mrs. Ly. And if your husband can countenance your conduct, I am not so lost to every sense of self-respect, as to submit to it.

      Mrs. Cod. СКАЧАТЬ