Sexual Performance Anxiety: 10 steps to beat it!. Larisa Pletneva

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      4. You have an erection and orgasm when you have spontaneous sex or sex with a woman who “means nothing to you”.

      How does this help us? SPA is the “stage fright”, you are unconsciously or consciously afraid of being judged. You must play your part giving one, maybe even two, hundred percent.

      So, if you happen to have quick sex with your partner or a girl being a perfect stranger to you, your mind is late to react in its usual way, you have no time to work yourself up into anxiety, and the sex come together perfectly well.

      The case is the same when you have sex with an “unimportant” woman, for example, a prostitute (forgive me, Ladies of Easy Virtue, for saying so). You owe this woman nothing, her opinion is of little interest to you, and then everything is great and goes well.

      5. You have intrusive thoughts about upcoming intercourse and your failing again.

      One of my patients started thinking about sex that was to happen in the evening as early as the very morning. And all day long, while being at work, he would be flashing back to his previous inability to perform, thus programming himself to fail. Is your story the same?

      Another aspect helping to distinguish SPA from an organic disorder (disease) is that it can be Situational, that is, erections fail not continually but in certain situations:

      • drinking alcohol before sex;

      • fear of the story to go public, if intercourse is illicit;

      • no private place to stay in, fear that someone will see You having sex;

      • a new partner;

      • fear of your partner to conceive;

      • simple physical fatigue.

      And SPA can also be SELECTIVE, when erection is lost only when attempting to have sex with a certain girl, while everything goes and works well with other girls.

      If it was an organic disorder, erections would be missing continually rather than occasionally.

      And how do you behave?

      Let’s go through the patterns of how people suffering from SPA behave. Regardless of which one You chose, the scheme of getting rid of it will be the same, but you must know absolutely everything about the problem to solve it.

      Avoidance

      You don’t talk about it, the topic is taboo even in a couple relationship. After experiencing a few failures, you’ve decided that sex is not your thing and you can get along just fine without it.

      Devaluation

      You think that sex is not the main thing in life at all, more important are the intellectual aspect and relationship, and romance.

      Compensation

      You throw yourself into sports, making career or money. You learn or have already learned techniques to make a woman orgasm, where the penis is not involved.

      Imitation

      In public, you behave like an alpha male, flirting openly, joking a lot about sex, telling how many girls you’ve had. You are the life and soul of any party, a man of her dreams, but you do not become intimate with girls, because you are supposedly a misogynist and “they are all immoral and there are no nice and honest ones today’.

      Causes of SPA

      It is impossible to pinpoint the cause of SPA developed in a certain person (male or female, it doesn’t matter), but there is a combination of such ones, some of which may refer to you.

      Study all the causes carefully and try to identify those that may have triggered your problem.

      Trait anxiety

      This is neither good nor bad, it’s just that you were born hypersensitive. This means that you not only feel anxious about sex but also experience anxiety across many situations in general.

      People featuring such traits tend to catastrophize any situation, “I can’t make it! I’m going to be late! She’ll fall out of love with me! I’ll fail! The airplane will crash!” And so on and so forth.

      As part of family, inherently anxious people are kind and caring, trying to avoid quarrels and conflicts.

      They are prone to hypercontrol and try to monitor everything going on around them, for “you never know what might happen’.

      Furthermore, such worrywarts usually feature and experience:

      • low self-esteem;

      • fear of the unknown;

      • decision-making problems;

      • second-guessing;

      • dependence on other people’s opinions;

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