The First Time Mums’ Club. Lucie Wheeler

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СКАЧАТЬ into her lap, clearly ashamed. ‘Ellie, I couldn’t bring a baby into that.’

      ‘I know. You did the right thing.’ She rubbed her thumb over Zoe’s hand.

      ‘Didn’t feel like the right thing.’

      ‘I can’t believe you went through all that on your own.’

      ‘I didn’t want anyone to see how stupid I had been.’ She coughed and composed herself, ‘Listen, all I’m saying is that you need to think long and hard before doing anything stupid. Because what you decide now will affect you for the rest of your life. Whatever you decide, just make sure it’s the right decision for you.’

      ‘Is that what you think we would’ve thought? That you had been stupid? Zoe, you are a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them.’

      ‘I got myself into that situation, didn’t I? That was stupid.’

      ‘No, that was grief. It does fucked-up things to your mind. I should know – it royally fucked up mine.’ She felt a glimmer of relief that she now knew she wasn’t the only one to have let it get to her, though. When she thought Zoe was handling life perfectly well, underneath she was crumbling too. And as horrible as that was, it was comforting to know.

      ‘I can’t blame grief for my poor mistakes.’

      ‘Yes you bloody can. Zoe, you are not a machine – you cannot programme yourself to just erase things. You are human.’

      ‘Yes, but you have to take responsibility for your actions in life and that relationship was one bad decision after another – it was as if I was possessed. I could see myself spiralling further into despair, but I felt powerless to do anything about it. Until it was too late.’ She looked into her lap, ashamed.

      ‘Honey, you are allowed to make mistakes. It’s okay. Feel free to take the baton from me for a bit – I’m in my overdraft from the Bank of Mistakes!’ The girls both laughed and it helped to lighten the air. Ellie smiled. It was the first time in her whole life that she had seen that her big sister was not the perfect human being she had made her out to be. Whilst that was clearly a hard concept for her sister to deal with, it did make Ellie feel closer to her. As though a barrier had lifted out of the way – they weren’t so different after all.

      All too quickly, though, their conversation drifted back to Ellie and the latest mistake she had made. After hearing her sister’s story, she knew that she couldn’t get rid of this baby. Deep down she never wanted to anyway.

      ‘I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to get rid of the baby – I don’t know that that was even what I was thinking – but I am terrified. I can’t be a mum. I can barely look after myself!’ She huffed and put her head in her hands. ‘How would you deal with this situation?’ Even though she knew her sister was no longer perfect, she was more perfect than Ellie would ever be.

      ‘You know what I would do first?’ Ellie’s phone began to ring just as Zoe opened her mouth to speak. Both girls looked at the phone flashing on the coffee table with the one name Ellie didn’t want to see. Zoe pointed at it. ‘That. That is what I would do first.’ She stood up and squeezed Ellie’s knee. ‘Come on, you need to talk to him. He deserves to know.’ Zoe stood to leave, but Ellie sprung up and pulled her in for a hug. She squeezed her so tight.

      ‘I am so sorry you had to go through all that without me, Zoe. I promise I will always be here for you. No matter what.’

      Zoe squeezed her back and then pulled away, looking Ellie in the eyes. ‘I know you will. Now do the right thing.’ She squeezed Ellie’s shoulder and left the living room, closing the door so she could give Ellie the privacy she needed to get this phone call out of the way.

      Ellie picked up her mobile and took a shaky intake of breath before pressing the answer key. ‘Hi Chris.’

      ‘About bloody time! Where the hell have you been?’

      ‘Sorry, things are just a bit manic at the moment. I’m at my sister’s. Needed a break.’ Her heart was racing so fast. She took another sip of coffee to calm her nerves.

      ‘At your sister’s? In Shropshire? When did that happen?’

      ‘Friday.’

      Chris paused. ‘So why do you need a break. Surely work isn’t going that badly?’

      ‘No, work was fine. Is fine,’ she corrected quickly. ‘I just, have some stuff going on and I needed some time to, you know, sort my head.’

      ‘Have you stopped being weird with me now?’ He laughed and Ellie felt a surge of affection for him. She missed him.

      ‘I wasn’t being weird.’ This conversation was probably one of the most awkward conversations they had ever had. She was avoiding the big elephant in the room and she needed to tell him. Thing is, the words just weren’t coming out. She physically couldn’t say the one thing she so desperately needed to say. Before she knew it, she blurted out, ‘Can we meet?’

      ‘Meet up? In Shropshire? I can’t come all that way today, Els, I have an early start tomorrow and a million meetings planned.’

      ‘Right…’ Disappointment dripped from that one word and Chris obviously picked up on it.

      ‘Is everything okay? You are being weird.’

      ‘Yes, its fine. I’m fine.’

      ‘Look, how about this? We meet halfway? Go for some lunch somewhere in Milton Keynes?’

      Ellie thought about this for a second and then replied, ‘Actually, that’s not a bad idea. What time?’

      ‘Well, I need to jump in the shower and that, so let’s say one? I’ll google a place and text you where to meet me.’

      ‘Okay. No problem. See you in a few hours.’

      ‘Oh, Ellie?’

      She stopped pacing. ‘Yes?’

      ‘Try and cheer up. It’s not the end of the world.’

      No, she thought. But it may as well be.

      *****

      ‘Do you know what I fancy?’ Imogen put down her menu and looked at Alice thoughtfully.

      ‘Me?’ Came the reply with a cheeky grin. Her hair was down today, as opposed to being scraped back, which was how she usually wore it for work, and she looked so beautiful. With a cute little t-shirt under a jacket and tight jeans, Alice looked casual but really pretty.

      Imogen laughed. ‘Yes, of course. But I did mean foodwise.’

      ‘I know, I’m just messing. What do you fancy? It’s not going to be some weird concoction is it? I’m sure that doesn’t start this early.’

      ‘No,’ Imogen shook her head. ‘Nothing weird… yet. I really fancy a prawn sandwich.’

      Alice turned her nose up in disgust. ‘Urgh, I can’t stand prawns. Especially not in bread. I mean, what is that about? The weird consistency of the slimy prawns СКАЧАТЬ