Five Television Plays (David Mamet). David Mamet

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ The court will now appoint you a lawyer.

      WINNIE: I don't need a lawyer, I don't want one. Let's settle this here and now, ‘cause I'm on my vacation time, alright? You tell me how you want to do this, and let's get this done.

      JUDGE: You wish to act as your own lawyer?

      WINNIE: That's . . . okay. (Pause.) Okay.

      JUDGE: You're making a mistake.

      WINNIE: I've made them before. Nothing to be scared of, now: what is the thing?

      DOUG: Mom, what's going on . . . ?

      (WINNIE and DOUG hold a whispered consultation while the BAILIFF and the JUDGE sing about the charge and the procedure in this case. They are joined by the LAWYER for the CONGRESSMAN and the CONGRESSMAN, who sing about her heinous behavior and the grave damage that has been done. They stop. Pause.)

      WINNIE: Now what?

      JUDGE: You may present your case.

      WINNIE: It's my turn to speak?

      JUDGE: Yes.

      WINNIE (sings):

      Let me preface my remarks by saying

      that I have to catch a bus

      Because I am enroute to Yellowstone Park

      Where, my son and I are taking

      a long-planned vacation

      In the wilds of this great land.

      I am a simple kind of gal which is to say

      I'm just as complex as the rest of us here but

      there are some basic things that I believe in

      one of which is

      that we are entitled to a just pay

      for the work that we do

      in my case a waitress

      which is to say that I work for tips.

      Okay?

      My salary is directly tied to this one thing:

      my ability to please, which is to say, to make comfortable

      the patrons of my restaurant, who have come out to eat.

      The first rule of which is:

      THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

      Which rule I do adhere to.

      IN THIS CASE HOWEVER. ONE:

      The man performed a criminal act . . .

      CONGRESSMAN: . . . I DID NOT.

      WINNIE: AND I asked him . . .

      LAWYER: What was that act?

      WINNIE: He stole my tip.

      LAWYER: I rest my case.

      WINNIE: I asked him to replace it. He did not, and two: I called upon the customers to help me out. That's the beginning and the end, and that is what occurred. Now; are we free to leave?

      DOUG: Can we go now?

      (End of song.)

      JUDGE: Can you prove that he took your tip?

      WINNIE: No.

      JUDGE: You can not?

      WINNIE: No. The only proof is that I saw him.

      JUDGE: We will now consider this case.

      DOUG: Mom, do we have time to make the bus . . . ?

      WINNIE (simultaneously with “bus"): Just barely. If he does this quick.

      JUDGE: Here are my feelings: this has gotten out of hand. I think it can be settled quickly. (Pause.) As we all have better things to do. (Pause.) I think that a simple apology will suffice.

      WINNIE: I'll accept that. Your Honor. I notice that you didn't say that he had to give back my tip. There is a principle involved, but I am willing to forget that, in the interest of getting out of town . . . (To DOUG, as she checks her watch:) Okay, let's go, we can just make it . . . (They walk toward the courtroom doors carrying their rucksacks.) And I will waive that principle and accept the Congressman's sincere apology. Also, he has to say he'll never do it again.

      JUDGE: You misunderstand me. You'll have to apologize to him.

      (Pause.)

      WINNIE: I . . . what?

      JUDGE: You will have to . . .

      WINNIE: I . . . ?

      JUDGE: Apologize to the Congressman.

      (Pause.)

      WINNIE: For what?

      JUDGE: For maligning his reputation.

      WINNIE: HE STOLE MY TIP.

      JUDGE: We have no way of knowing what he might have done, except your word. His reputation, which is a weighty thing, is at stake, and rather than prolong this, and to allow you to catch your bus, if you will just state that you . . . could have made a mistake . . .

      LAWYER: I OBJECT.

      JUDGE: Excuse me: if you will just say that you could have made a mistake, this case will be closed and you can go to Yellowstone.

      (Pause.)

      WINNIE: You want me to say he didn't steal my tip. (Pause.) I do that and we can go.

      JUDGE: Yes.

      WINNIE: What if I don't say that?

      JUDGE: You will go to jail.

      WINNIE: Hmm.

      (Pause.)

      JUDGE: The choice is yours. What do you choose to do? And I would remind you that you have but five minutes to catch your bus.

      WINNIE: Well. This would seem to be the crux of the whole matter here.

      RANGER: I would say so.

      WINNIE (to DOUG): Whaddya think, kid? This guy stole my tip, and if I lie about it we can go free, if not . . . it's, it's your trip, you tell mmm . . . naa, that's ridiculous. What am I going to do? Teach my kid his mom's a liar for the sake of expediency?

      LAWYER: He wants to go camping.

      WINNIE: So he won't go camping. That's not under my control, and I never promised him that I was superman, СКАЧАТЬ