The Essential Plays of George Bernard Shaw (Illustrated Edition). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

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СКАЧАТЬ awful. Mr. Valentine: this is my brother Phil. Phil: this is Mr. Valentine, our new dentist. (Valentine and Phil bow to one another. She proceeds, all in one breath.) He’s only been here six weeks; and he’s a bachelor. The house isn’t his; and the furniture is the landlord’s; but the professional plant is hired. He got my tooth out beautifully at the first go; and he and I are great friends.

      PHILIP. Been asking a lot of questions?

      THE YOUNG LADY (as if incapable of doing such a thing). Oh, no.

      PHILIP. Glad to hear it. (To Valentine.) So good of you not to mind us, Mr. Valentine. The fact is, we’ve never been in England before; and our mother tells us that the people here simply won’t stand us. Come and lunch with us. (Valentine, bewildered by the leaps and bounds with which their acquaintanceship is proceeding, gasps; but he has no opportunity of speaking, as the conversation of the twins is swift and continuous.)

      THE YOUNG LADY. Oh, do, Mr. Valentine.

      PHILIP. At the Marine Hotel — half past one.

      THE YOUNG LADY. We shall be able to tell mamma that a respectable Englishman has promised to lunch with us.

      PHILIP. Say no more, Mr. Valentine: you’ll come.

      VALENTINE. Say no more! I haven’t said anything. May I ask whom I have the pleasure of entertaining? It’s really quite impossible for me to lunch at the Marine Hotel with two perfect strangers.

      THE YOUNG LADY (flippantly). Ooooh! what bosh! One patient in six weeks! What difference does it make to you?

      PHILIP (maturely). No, Dolly: my knowledge of human nature confirms Mr. Valentine’s judgment. He is right. Let me introduce Miss Dorothy Clandon, commonly called Dolly. (Valentine bows to Dolly. She nods to him.) I’m Philip Clandon. We’re from Madeira, but perfectly respectable, so far.

      VALENTINE. Clandon! Are you related to —

      DOLLY (unexpectedly crying out in despair). Yes, we are.

      VALENTINE (astonished). I beg your pardon?

      DOLLY. Oh, we are, we are. It’s all over, Phil: they know all about us in England. (To Valentine.) Oh, you can’t think how maddening it is to be related to a celebrated person, and never be valued anywhere for our own sakes.

      VALENTINE. But excuse me: the gentleman I was thinking of is not celebrated.

      DOLLY (staring at him). Gentleman! (Phil is also puzzled.)

      VALENTINE. Yes. I was going to ask whether you were by any chance a daughter of Mr. Densmore Clandon of Newbury Hall.

      DOLLY (vacantly). No.

      PHILIP. Well come, Dolly: how do you know you’re not?

      DOLLY (cheered). Oh, I forgot. Of course. Perhaps I am.

      VALENTINE. Don’t you know?

      PHILIP. Not in the least.

      DOLLY. It’s a wise child —

      PHILIP (cutting her short). Sh! (Valentine starts nervously; for the sound made by Philip, though but momentary, is like cutting a sheet of silk in two with a flash of lightning. It is the result of long practice in checking Dolly’s indiscretions.) The fact is, Mr. Valentine, we are the children of the celebrated Mrs. Lanfrey Clandon, an authoress of great repute — in Madeira. No household is complete without her works. We came to England to get away from them. The are called the Twentieth Century Treatises.

      DOLLY. Twentieth Century Cooking.

      PHILIP. Twentieth Century Creeds.

      DOLLY. Twentieth Century Clothing.

      PHILIP. Twentieth Century Conduct.

      DOLLY. Twentieth Century Children.

      PHILIP. Twentieth Century Parents.

      DOLLY. Cloth limp, half a dollar.

      PHILIP. Or mounted on linen for hard family use, two dollars. No family should be without them. Read them, Mr. Valentine: they’ll improve your mind.

      DOLLY. But not till we’ve gone, please.

      PHILIP. Quite so: we prefer people with unimproved minds. Our own minds are in that fresh and unspoiled condition.

      VALENTINE (dubiously). Hm!

      DOLLY (echoing him inquiringly). Hm? Phil: he prefers people whose minds are improved.

      PHILIP. In that case we shall have to introduce him to the other member of the family: the Woman of the Twentieth Century; our sister Gloria!

      DOLLY (dithyrambically). Nature’s masterpiece!

      PHILIP. Learning’s daughter!

      DOLLY. Madeira’s pride!

      PHILIP. Beauty’s paragon!

      DOLLY (suddenly descending to prose). Bosh! No complexion.

      VALENTINE (desperately). May I have a word?

      PHILIP (politely). Excuse us. Go ahead.

      DOLLY (very nicely). So sorry.

      VALENTINE (attempting to take them paternally). I really must give a hint to you young people —

      DOLLY (breaking out again). Oh, come: I like that. How old are you?

      PHILIP. Over thirty.

      DOLLY. He’s not.

      PHILIP (confidently). He is.

      DOLLY (emphatically). Twenty-seven.

      PHILIP (imperturbably). Thirty-three.

      DOLLY. Stuff!

      PHILIP (to Valentine). I appeal to you, Mr. Valentine.

      VALENTINE (remonstrating). Well, really — (resigning himself.) Thirty-one.

      PHILIP (to Dolly). You were wrong.

      DOLLY. So were you.

      PHILIP (suddenly conscientious). We’re forgetting our manners, Dolly.

      DOLLY (remorseful). Yes, so we are.

      PHILIP (apologetic). We interrupted you, Mr. Valentine.

      DOLLY. You were going to improve our minds, I think.

      VALENTINE. The fact is, your —

      PHILIP (anticipating him). Our appearance?

      DOLLY. Our manners?

      VALENTINE (ad misericordiam). Oh, do let me speak.

      DOLLY. The old story. We talk too much.

      PHILIP. СКАЧАТЬ