More Toasts. Various

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ

      "A foul—only a foul!"

      "Good heavens!" he exclaimed. "A fowl? I thought it was a mule."

BATHS AND BATHING

       Table of Contents

      "S-s-s-s-sus-say, ma," stammered Bobby, through the suds, as his mother scrubbed and scrubbed him, "I guess you want to get rid o' me, don't you?"

      "Why, no, Bobby dear," replied his mother. "Whatever put such an idea into your mind?"

      "Oh, nuthin'," said Bobby, "only it seems to me you're tryin' to rub me out."

      PA—"At last I've found a way to make that young scamp of ours stop winking his eyes."

      MA—"Really?"

      PA—"Yes; I'll show him the article in this science magazine where it says that every time we wink we give the eye a bath."

BEAUTY, PERSONAL

       Table of Contents

      "Is she very pretty?"

      "Pretty? Say! when she gets on a street-car the advertising is a total loss."

      "I don't like these photos at all," he said, "I look like an ape."

      The photographer favored him with a glance of lofty disdain.

      "You should have thought of that before you had them taken," was his reply as he turned back to work.

      "We're giving Baxby a farewell dinner and I'm to respond to the toast, 'None but the brave deserves the fair.'"

      "Sorry for you, old top. You'll have to prove that Baxby is an utter coward, or that he isn't getting what is his due."

      The Chinese are not given to flattery. A gentleman called at a Chinese laundry for his clothes. On receiving the package he noticed some Chinese characters marked upon it. He asked, pointing to the lettering:

      "That's my name, I suppose?"

      "No; 'scliption," was the Chinaman's bland reply. "'Lil ol' man, closs-eyed, no teeth.'"—Everybody's.

BEGGING

       Table of Contents

      "Some men have no hearts," said the tramp. "I've been a-tellin' that feller I am so dead broke that I have to sleep outdoors."

      "Didn't that fetch him?" asked the other.

      "Naw. He tol' me he was a-doin' the same thing, and had to pay the doctor for tellin' him to do it."

      DEAF-AND-DUMB BEGGAR—"Do you think it looks like rain, Bill?"

      BLIND BEGGAR—"I dasn't look up to see—here comes one o' my best customers!"—Puck.

      He who begs timidly courts a refusal.—Seneca.

      The matron passed a handout to the disreputable hobo, remarking curtly, "If you don't mind, eat it outside."

      "Bless yer, I'm used to it," he answered. "When I was at home and in clover, as it were, it was me daily custom, when donnin' me dress suit, to announce to me valet, 'Parkins, don't await dinner fer me tonight. I'm dinin' out.'"

BEQUESTS

       Table of Contents

      "There's a story connected with this diamond," said Heinie, pointing to a big, handsome stone which sparkled in his shirt front. "A friend of mine by the name of Meyer lay sick in bed. I being his best friend, he sent for me and said:

      "'Heinie, I'm a very sick man. I ain't got long to live. I'm worth a lot of money, and I'm going to leave it all to you and my other friends. But I want you to do me one favor. Take this money and when I'm dead and laid away buy me a nice stone.'

      "Those were Meyer's last words, and the day of the funeral I bought this stone. But how can I give it to him when he's dead?"

BETTING

       Table of Contents

      "Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I am glad to see you taking as much interest in politics as you formerly took in racing."

      "It is the duty of every man and woman to take an interest in politics."

      "Do you wish me to vote for the same candidate that you do?"

      "Why shouldn't you?"

      "I thought it might be a good idea for me to vote for the other one. It would be a satisfaction to feel that one or the other of us has at last succeeded in picking a winner."

      A Scottish gentleman on a trip to New Orleans went to see his first horse-race. He was feeling very reckless, and decided to risk one dollar, choosing a forty-to-one shot, as that looked like the largest percentage of gain. By a miracle his horse won, and upon handing his ticket to the bookmaker, he received forty dollars.

      "Do I get all this for my dollar?" he asked. Upon being assured that he did, he exclaimed. "Hoots! how long has this been going on?"

      Little Pat and big Mike had had a dispute, when Mike in contempt said: "Ye little runt, Oi bet I could carry yez up to the fifth story in me hod."

      Pat immediately took up the bet, saying: "I'd loike to see ye thry thot same. I'll bet yez fifty cints on it."

      Before he knew it Mike had him in his hod and was going up the ladder. When he got to the fourth story his foot slipped and he almost fell. He regained his footing, however, and reached the fifth story in triumph.

      "Oi won!" he said.

      "Yez did thot," said Pat, "but Oi had high hopes when yer foot slipped."

BIBLE INTERPRETATION

       Table of Contents

      Senator Simmons was discussing the proposed war-tax on automobile-owners. "Making war-taxes," he said, "isn't pleasant work. It puts one in the position of the facetious minister at Ocean Grove who took a little girl on his knee, and said:

      "'I don't love you, Nellie.'"

      All the ladies on the breeze-swept veranda laughed, but little СКАЧАТЬ