More Toasts. Various

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      "Tommy," said the Sunday-school teacher, who had been giving a lesson on the baptismal covenant, "can you tell me the two things necessary to baptism?"

      "Yes'm," said Tommy, "water and a baby."

      In a small country church, not long since a little child was brought forward for baptism. The young minister, taking the little one in his arms, spoke as follows:

      "Beloved hearers, no one can foretell the future of this little child. He may grow up to be a great astronomer, like Sir Isaac Newton, or a great labor leader like John Burns; and it is possible he might become the prime minister of England."

      Turning to the mother, he inquired, "What is the name of the child?"

      "Mary Ann," was the reply.

BAPTISTS

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      The mayor of a tough border town is about to engage a preacher for the new church.

      "Parson, you aren't by any chance a Baptist, are you?"

      "Why, no, not necessarily. Why?"

      "Well, I was just agoin' to say we have to haul our water twelve miles."

BARGAINS

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      A thin, anemic woman was accosted by her friend on the street: "Why, Mary, how pale and thin you look! I thought you were going south for your health."

      "I was," said Mary, "but my doctor has offered me such a lovely bargain in operations—a major operation for one thousand dollars—and of course I can't resist that."

      "How much vas dose collars?"

      "Two for a quarter."

      "How much for vun?"

      "Fifteen cents."

      "Giff me de odder vun."

      "Ikey," said the teacher, "can you give me a definition for 'a bargain'?"

      "Sure I can," smiled Ikey. "A bargain's when you get the best of them."

      Dad was not greatly pleased by the school report brought to him by his hopeful.

      "How is it?" he demanded, "that you stand so much lower in your studies for the month of January than for December?"

      Samuel was equal to the emergency. "Why, dad," said he, in an injured tone, "don't you know that everything is marked down after the holidays?"

      Swapping dollars enriches nobody but swapping ideas enriches both parties to the trade.

      A noted wag met an Irishman in the street one day, and thought he would be funny at his expense.

      "Hello, Pat!" he said. "I'll give you eight (in) pence for a shilling."

      "Will ye, now?" said Pat.

      "Yes," he replied.

      The Irishman handed over the shilling, and his friend put eight pence into his palm in return.

      "Eight in pence," he explained. "Not bad, is it?"

      "No," answered Pat; "but the shilling is!"

BASEBALL

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      "Baseball," says a Big League magnate, "is the public's luxury." The small boy will disagree with him, a luxury being something you can do without.-Puck.

      At a ball game between a South Carolina negro team and a visiting team of similar color a negro preacher was acting as umpire. The pitcher had gone rather wild, and had permitted all the bases to fill. Another man came to the bat, and the nervous pitcher shot one over.

      "Ball one," yelled the ump.

      The pitcher tried again.

      "Ball two," was the decision.

      Another effort by the hurler.

      "Ball three," said the umpire.

      The pitcher saw his predicament, and made one master effort to save the day.

      "Ball four," yelled the ump, "and the man's out."

      "How come, I'se out?" inquired the enraged batter.

      "I'se repelled to put you out, nigger. Don't you see dar's nowhere else to put you?" reasoned the umpire.

      They were getting up a ball game in a small town and lacked one player. They finally persuaded an old fellow to fill in, although he said he had never played before. He went to the bat and the first ball pitched he knocked over the fence. Every one stood and watched the ball, even the batter. Excitedly they told him to run. "Shucks!" he said, "what's the use of running, I'll buy you another ball."

      An Englishman was seeing his first game of baseball, and the "fan" was explaining the different plays as they were being made.

      "Don't you think it's great?" enthusiastically asked the "fan."

      "Well," replied the Englishman, "I think it's very exciting, but also a very dangerous game."

      "Dangerous nothing," replied the fan.

      Just then a runner was put out at second base.

      "What has happened now?" asked the Englishman.

      "Chick Smith has died at second," laconically replied the fan.

      "Died at second?" replied the astonished Briton. "I knew it was a dangerous game."

      They arrived at the fifth inning.

      "What's the score, Jim?" he asked a fan.

      "Nothing to nothing," was the reply.

      "Oh, goody!" she exclaimed. "We haven't missed a thing!"

      At the base ball game.

      SHE—"What's the man running for?"

      HE—"He hit the ball."

      SHE—"I know. But is he required to chase it, too?"

      An Englishman was once persuaded to see a game of baseball, and during the play, when he happened to look away for a moment, a foul tip caught him on the ear and knocked him senseless. On coming to himself, he asked faintly, СКАЧАТЬ