More Toasts. Various

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СКАЧАТЬ never knew that you were there,

      Nor least expected you would come so soon—

      But you are there;

      From whence you came or where

      I know not, but I care.

      You make me stop and wonder

      Why I find you there to-night,

      Is it some worry or some fright

      That leaves you colorless, and oh, so white?

      You'll not be seen, oh, no, not yet.

      On that your fondest curls you bet,

      For just as long as you are there

      I'll hide you very neatly—there!

      And none will wonder—only I, at you—

      My first gray hair.

      —Wells Hawks.

      One great advantage of really being old is that one is beyond being told he is getting old.

      Twenty-One Plus

      FIRST SUFFRAGIST—"How old do you think Mabel is?"

      SECOND SUFFRAGIST—"Well, I should say she had lost about seventeen votes."

      A maiden lady of uncertain age became very indignant when the census taker asked how old she was. "Did you see the girls next door," she asked—"The Hill twins?"

      "Certainly," replied the census man.

      "And did they tell you their age?"

      "Yes."

      "Well," she snapped, "I'm just as old as they are."

      "Oh, very well," said the census man; and he wrote in his book, "Sarah Stokes, as old as the Hills."

      I remember, I remember,

      The fir trees dark and high;

      I used to think their slender tops

      Were close against the sky;

      It was a childish ignorance,

      But now 'tis little joy

      To know I'm farther off from heaven

      Than when I was a boy.

      PHYSICIAN—"Tell your wife not to worry about that slight deafness, as it is merely an indication of advancing years."

      MR. MEEK—"Doctor would you mind telling her yourself?"

      "Ma, is Mr. Jones an awfully old man?"

      "No, dear, I don't believe so. What makes you ask?"

      "Well, I think he must be, because I heard Pa say last night that Mr. Jones raised his ante."

AGRICULTURE

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      "Crop failures?" asked the old timer.

      "Yes, I've seen a few in my day. In 1854 the corn crop was almost nothing. We cooked some for dinner, and my father ate fourteen acres of corn at one meal!"—Life.

      See also Farming; Laws.

ALARM CLOCKS

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      To-day I bought an alarm-clock,

      It has a very loud ring.

      I think I will call it the Star-Spangled Banner,

      For every time I hear it I have to get up.

      A Swede was working for a farmer, who demanded punctuality above everything else. The farmer told him that he must be at work every morning at 4 o'clock sharp. The "hand" failed to get up in time, and the farmer threatened to discharge him. Then the "hand" bought an alarm-clock, and for some time everything went along smoothly. But one morning he got to the field fifteen minutes late. The farmer immediately discharged him, in spite of his protestations that his alarm-clock was to blame.

      Sadly returning to his room, the discharged employee determined to find out the cause of his downfall. He took the alarm-clock to pieces, and discovered a dead cockroach among the works.

      "Well," he soliloquized, "Ay tank it bane no wonder the clock wouldn't run—the engineer bane daid."

      "I heard something this morning that opened my eyes."

      "So did I—an alarm clock."

      "Have you any alarm-clocks?" inquired the customer. "What I want is one that will arouse the girl without waking the whole family."

      "I don't know of any such alarm-clock as that, madam," said the man behind the counter; "we keep just the ordinary kind—the kind that will wake the whole family without disturbing the girl."

      See also Philadelphia; Tardiness.

ALIBI

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      TEACHER—"What is an alibi?"

      BRIGHT Boy—"Being somewhere where you ain't."

ALIMONY

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      Or Go to Jail

      "Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony?" asked the Friend who was seeking free advice.

      "Sure," replied the Lawyer. "He can stay single or stay married."

ALPHABET

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      MOTHER (who is teaching her child the alphabet)—"Now, dearie, what comes after 'g'?"

      THE CHILD—"Whiz!"—Judge.

ALTERNATIVES

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