More Toasts. Various

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СКАЧАТЬ experience, while in London. He told some Washington friends a day or two ago that when he visited the theater where he was to deliver his travelogue he decided that the entrance to the theater was rather dingy and that there should be more display of his attraction.

      Accordingly, he suggested to the manager of the house that the front be brightened up at night by electrical signs, one row of lights spelling his name "Burton" and another row of lights spelling the name "Holmes."

      The manager told him it was too much of an innovation for him to authorize and referred him to the owner of the theater. Mr. Holmes traveled several hours into the country to consult with the owner, who referred him to his agent in the city. The agent in turn sent Mr. Holmes to the janitor of the theater.

      "I talked with the janitor and explained my plan to him for about an hour," Mr. Holmes said. "Finally, after we had gone into every detail of the cost and everything else, the janitor told me that the theater was a very exclusive and high class theater, and that he would not put up the sign. I asked him why?"

      "Because it would attract too much attention to the theater," the janitor replied.

      "What's your time?" asked the old farmer of the brisk salesman. "Twenty minutes after five. What can I do for you?" "I want them pants," said the old farmer, leading the way to the window and pointing to a ticket marked, "Given away at 5.20."

      See also Authorship; Beauty, Personal; Salesmen and salesmanship.

ADVICE

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      The most unfair person is the one who asks you for advice and doesn't let you know what advice he wants.

      Another thing that we sometimes take when nobody's looking is advice.

      It is a good divine that follows his own instructions: I can easier teach twenty what were good to be done, than be one of the twenty to follow mine own teaching.—Shakespeare.

      Advice is the most worthless commodity in the world. Those who might profit by it don't need it, and those who do need it won't profit by it—if they could, they wouldn't need it.

      How often have my kindly friends,

      (When Fate has dealt me some shrewd blow),

      Recalling random odds and ends

      Of counsel, cried: "I told you so!"

      But when 'twas I who warned, and they

      Who heeded not, and came to woe,

      I wonder why they'd never say:

      "That's right, old chap, you told me so!"

AFTER DINNER SPEECHES

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      Recipe for an After-dinner Speech

      Three long breaths.

      Compliment to the audience.

      Funny Story.

      Outline of what speaker is not going to say.

      Points that he will touch on later.

      Two Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.

      Outline of what speaker is going to say.

      Points that he has not time to touch on now.

      Reference to what he said first.

      Funny Story.

      Compliment to the audience.

      Ditto to our City, State and Country.

      Applause.

      N. B. For an oration, use same formula, repeating each sentence three times in slightly different words.

      —Mary Eleanor Roberts.

      "You wrote this report of last night's banquet, did you?" asked the editor with the copy in his hand.

      "Yes, sir," replied the reporter.

      "And this expression, 'The banquet-table groaned'—do you think that is proper?"

      "Oh, yes, sir. The funny stories the after-dinner speakers told would make any table groan."

      See also Politicians; Public speakers.

AGE

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      HE—"How old are you?"

      SHE—"I've just turned twenty-three."

      HE—"Oh, I see—thirty-two."

      A judge asked a woman her age.

      "Thirty," she replied.

      "You've given that age in this court for the last three years."

      "Yes. I'm not one of those who says one thing today and another thing tomorrow."

      "Willie," said his mother. "I wish you would run across the street and see how old Mrs. Brown is this morning."

      "Yes'm," replied Willie, and a few minutes later he returned and reported:

      "Mrs. Brown says it's none of your business how old she is."

      "Well, auntie, have you got your photographs yet?"

      "Yes, and I sent them back in disgust."

      "Gracious! How was that?"

      "Why, on the back of every photo was written this, 'The original of this is carefully preserved.'"

      Answering the question, "When is a woman old?" a famous tragedienne wrote: "The conceited never; the unhappy too soon, and the wise at the right time."

      When saving for your old age, don't neglect to lay up a few pleasant thoughts.

      "To what do you attribute your long life, Uncle Mose?" asked a newspaper interviewer of a colored centenarian.

      "Becuz Ah was bo'n a long time back," the old gentleman replied.

      MURIEL—"I don't intend to be married until after I'm thirty."

      MABEL—"And I don't intend to be thirty until after I'm married!"—Life.

      My first gray hair!

      I СКАЧАТЬ