Love Among the Chickens. Пелам Гренвилл Вудхаус

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      Ukridge's Scheme

      ​ II

       Table of Contents

      MR. STANLEY FEATHERSTONHAUGH UKRIDGE dashed into the room, uttering a roar of welcome as he caught sight of Garnet, still standing petrified athwart his portmanteau.

      "My dear old man," he shouted, springing at him and seizing his hand in a clutch that effectually woke Garnet from his stupor. "How are you, old chap? This is good. By Jove, this is good! This is fine, what?"

      He dashed back to the door and looked out.

      "Come on, Millie," he shouted.

      Garnet was wondering who in the name ​of fortune Millie could possibly be, when there appeared on the further side of Mr. Ukridge the figure of a young woman. She paused in the doorway, and smiled pleasantly.

      "Garnet, old horse," said Ukridge with some pride, "let me introduce you to my wife. Millie, this is old Garnet. You've heard me talk about him."

      "Oh, yes," said Mrs. Ukridge.

      Garnet bowed awkwardly. The idea of Ukridge married was something too overpowering to be assimilated on the instant. If ever there was a man designed by nature to be a bachelor, Stanley Ukridge was that man. Garnet could feel that he himself was not looking his best. He knew in a vague, impersonal way that his eyebrows were still somewhere in the middle of his forehead, whither they had sprung in the first moment of surprise, and that his jaw, which had dropped, had not yet resumed ​its normal posture. Before committing himself to speech he made a determined effort to revise his facial expression.

      "Buck up, old horse," said Ukridge. He had a painful habit of addressing all and sundry by that title. In his schoolmaster days he had made use of it while interviewing the parents of new pupils, and the latter had gone away, as a rule, with a feeling that this must be either the easy manner of genius or spirits, and hoping for the best. Later, he had used it to perfect strangers in the streets. On one occasion he had been heard to address a bishop by that title.

      "Surprised to find me married, what? Garny, old boy"—sinking his voice to what was intended to be a whisper—"take my tip. You go and do the same. You feel another man. Give up this bachelor business. It's a mug's game. Go and get married, my boy, go and get married. By gad, ​I've forgotten to pay the cabby. Half a moment."

      He was out of the door and on his way downstairs before the echoes of his last remark had ceased to shake the window of the sitting room. Garnet was left to entertain Mrs. Ukridge.

      So far her share in the conversation had been small. Nobody talked very much when Ukridge was on the scene. She sat on the edge of Garnet's big basket chair, looking very small and quiet. She smiled pleasantly, as she had done during the whole of the preceding dialogue. It was apparently her chief form of expression.

      Jerry Garnet felt very friendly toward her. He could not help pitying her. Ukridge, he thought, was a very good person to know casually, but a little of him, as his former headmaster had once said in a moody, reflective voice, went a very long way. To be bound to him for life was not ​the ideal state for a girl. If he had been a girl, he felt, he would as soon have married a volcano.

      "And she's so young," he thought, as he looked across at the basket chair. "Quite a kid."

      "You and Stanley have known each other a long time, haven't you?" said the object of his pity, breaking the silence.

      "Yes. Oh, yes," said Garnet. "Several years. We were masters at the same school together."

      Mrs. Ukridge leaned forward with round, shining eyes.

      "Isn't he a wonderful man, Mr. Garnet!" she said ecstatically.

      Not yet, to judge from her expression and the tone of her voice, had she had experience of the disadvantages attached to the position of Mrs. Stanley Ukridge.

      Garnet could agree with her there.

      "Yes, he is certainly wonderful," he said.

      ​"I believe he could do anything."

      "Yes," said Garnet. He believed that Ukridge was at least capable СКАЧАТЬ