I Have No Secrets. Penny Joelson

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ What you do for these kids.’

      I listen to them chatting away and Mum laughing at Dan’s jokes. Everyone loves Dan. Then Mum says she must get back to the kitchen, she’s left things on the stove and she’s sure Sarah won’t be long.

      It’s quiet for a moment. I hear the distant clattering of pans in the kitchen. Then I hear Dan’s voice, coming closer as he speaks.

      ‘What are you watching, then? Ah – Pointless !’

      I can hear him breathing. Then he whispers, ‘Bit like your life, eh, Jemma?’

      He’s standing behind me now, but I can’t see him because my wheelchair is facing the TV. I try to focus on the quiz questions and forget he’s there, but he gives a long, dramatic sigh.

      ‘Don’t know how you can bear it.’ His voice is low, not loud enough to be overheard. ‘Watching the telly must be the most excitement you get.’ He only speaks like this when no one else is around. He used to ignore me completely, but not any more.

      He moves so he is in front of me, blocking my view of the TV. Grimacing, he leans forwards. I get a gulping feeling, a tightness in my throat.

      ‘If I were you, I’d top myself,’ he whispers.

      My heart thuds as he rubs his head thoughtfully.

      ‘Oh, yeah – you can’t, can you? Listen,’ he continues, ‘if you ever want a bit of help, I could –’

      We both hear footsteps on the stairs. Dan backs away. His face transforms from ugly sneer to fake grin, his features softening as if they have been remoulded.

      ‘I’d have done better than that pair!’ he laughs, pointing to the telly. ‘Reckon we should go on this, eh, Sarah?’

      I get a waft of Sarah’s perfume, which is quickly overtaken by the smell of onions frying in the kitchen.

      ‘I’m useless at quizzes,’ she laughs as she comes into view. ‘I bet Jemma could do it, though, if she had the chance.’

      I don’t know about that, although I do sometimes get the right answers. It’s possible I’d be better than Sarah. She’s a brilliant carer, but she’s not too clever when it comes to general knowledge – or boyfriends.

      At the edge of my vision, I see her kiss Dan softly on the lips.

      Watching them, my own mouth feels suddenly dry.

      The pair playing Pointless are out. They look very disappointed.

      Dan and Sarah only have eyes for each other. ‘Ready?’ Dan smiles at Sarah. ‘You look stunning, babe.’

      She nods and turns to me. Her eyes are sparkly, her cheeks flushed. ‘Bye, Jem. See you in the morning.’

      ‘See you, Jemma,’ says Dan. He winks at me.

2

      ‘Sorry to leave you so long, pet!’

      Mum bundles into the room and I’m relieved to hear her warm, soft voice. She switches off the telly and pushes my wheelchair into the kitchen, to my place at the end of the table.

      I hear the car on the drive. Dad’s back from taking Finn to his swimming lesson and picking up Olivia from ballet. Soon the kitchen is noisy and cheerful, as usual, and I push Dan out of my mind.

      Olivia’s boasting to Mum about how good her dancing was and I watch as she shows Mum the new steps, while Mum tries to get her to sit down at the table. She’s nine and has only been here a year. We’re all fostered – I’ve been here since I was two and so has Finn, who’s nearly six. I’ve heard Mum say Olivia was ‘hard to place’. Maybe that goes for Finn and me too, though Olivia’s problems are different from ours. Finn is autistic, and right now is lining all his beans up neatly on the plate with his fingers. He’s obsessed with straight lines. Olivia’s a whirlwind – sometimes a tornado – and she’s loud. Finn and I don’t speak, so life is very different and much noisier since she came.

      ‘Sit down, Olivia!’ Dad says in his ‘firm but kind’ voice, and Olivia finally does. At least she doesn’t start one of her tantrums.

      Mum serves up Dad’s shepherd’s pie and beans then starts feeding me my mushed-up version. Dan’s words creep back into my head while I’m eating and I try to shut them out.

      ‘If I were you, I’d top myself. Listen, if you ever want a bit of help, I could – ’

      I can’t believe he said it – as if my life is worth nothing!

      Olivia is wolfing down her food like she’s never eaten before. She’s skinny, but she has a huge appetite. Finn isn’t eating. He’s still lining up his beans, concentrating as if his life depends on it.

      ‘Come on, Finn,’ Dad coaxes. ‘Time to eat them now.’

      But Finn clearly doesn’t think his line is straight enough.

      ‘Finn, my love,’ says Mum gently, ‘why don’t you start with the pie?’

      I don’t think Finn is listening to Mum, but I think he’s happy now with his line of beans. In any event, he forks a small amount of shepherd’s pie into his mouth.

      Mum spoons some more into mine.

      ‘I saw Paula earlier,’ she tells Dad. ‘She looks dreadful, the poor woman.’

      ‘Still no news, then?’ Dad asks.

      Mum shakes her head.

      ‘News about what?’ Olivia demands.

      Paula lives down the road, and her son, Ryan, was murdered last month. He was nineteen and he was stabbed to death and no one knows who did it. Everyone’s talking about it, though – it’s even been on the radio.

      Dad quickly changes the subject.

      ‘Finn’s swimming like a fish now,’ he tells Mum. ‘He’s come on so fast.’

      ‘And I was really good at ballet!’ Olivia says, never wanting to be left out.

      ‘I’m sure you were,’ says Dad.

      ‘How was school?’ Mum asks Olivia.

      Olivia shrugs.

      Olivia never wants to talk about school. It’s like it’s some big secret for her.

      I have no secrets of my own. I’ve never done anything without someone knowing about it. I’m fourteen years old and I have severe cerebral palsy. I am quadriplegic, which means I can’t control my arms or legs – or anything else. I can’t eat by myself. I can’t go to the loo without help. I can’t move without someone lifting me with a hoist or pushing me in a wheelchair. I also can’t speak.

      I’ve been this way all my life. I can see, though, and I can hear, and sometimes people forget that; СКАЧАТЬ