The It Girl: Superstar Geek. Katy Birchall

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       Subject: Re: Are you a pyromaniac?!

      Dad’s out on a date so Dog and I are passing the time by YouTube-ing scenes from The Lion King. The reason I can’t pick up the phone is because I attempted to lift Dog up as though he was Simba on Pride Rock during that ‘Circle of Life’ song. Anyway, I couldn’t do it and he fell back on to me, landing on my arm which now really hurts and I think I twisted my ankle so I’m staying put on the sofa.

      I think he’s put on a few pounds.

      No, I didn’t set the science block on fire. I set Josie Graham’s hair on fire.

      Love, me xxx

       From: [email protected]

       To: [email protected]

       Subject: ARE YOU INSANE?!

      Why would you set fire to Ms Deputy Queen Bee’s hair? You do realise that her mum once met Kate Moss? The school is really going to hate you, you know.

      Is this because no one has asked you to the dance yet? Like some kind of protest thing against all the girls who have been asked? It’s not until the end of term - you’ve still got ages for someone to ask you.

      J x

      PS Why would you even think it was a good idea to try to lift a fully grown Labrador? Stop trying to act out movies, you weirdo.

       From: [email protected]

       To: [email protected]

       Subject: Re: ARE YOU INSANE?!

      No, I am not insane. I just need to check that hairspray-laden girls aren’t anywhere near Bunsen burners when I turn them on in the future.

      The school definitely hates me. Josie looked like she was going to strangle me or something. I feared for my life. It was like that time I peed myself a little bit when the really scary IT teacher at my last school yelled at me for taking paper out of the printer.

      Do you think she’ll tell Sophie? Do you think Sophie will hate me?

      That would really be bad news because the other day I could have sworn that Sophie laughed at one of my jokes she overheard me telling Danny in the corridor. I thought that maybe she might not think I was such a loser after all.

      And, excuse me, but I don’t even care that no one’s asked me to the dance. I don’t need a date. Last time I went to a dance I didn’t have a date and I was totally fine. I just danced with a balloon. It made everyone laugh but in a ‘she’s really funny’ way not in a ‘laughing at me’ way.

      Love, me xxx

       From: [email protected]

       To: [email protected]

       Subject: Um . . . I’m sorry . . . what?

      That email was disturbing on so many levels.

      You peed yourself? Dude, how old were you when this happened?

      What do you mean you danced with a balloon?

      You’re making me nervous with all these weird stories from your past.

      J x

       From: [email protected]

       To: [email protected]

       Subject: Re: Um . . . I’m sorry . . . what?

      It was two years ago. But only a little pee. It wasn’t like I wet myself. She just came out of nowhere and it gave me a fright.

      Dancing with a balloon is a reasonable and funny thing to do. It’s what Oscar Wilde would have done. It’s a scathing comment on our society of dependent and irrational figures who consider themselves incomplete without a significant other.

      Love, me xxx

       From: [email protected]

       To: [email protected]

       Subject: It is confirmed, you actually are insane

      Maybe don’t ever tell anyone else about that pee story.

      Ditto the balloon one.

      J x

       From: [email protected]

       To: [email protected]

       Subject: Quick question

      Do you still want to be friends with me now that I’ve set Josie Graham’s hair on fire? I completely understand if you don’t.

      Same for Danny. If I were you guys I wouldn’t want to be friends with me.

      Love, me xxx

       From: [email protected]

       To: [email protected]

       Subject: Re: Quick question

      Are you kidding? If we didn’t have you as a friend, who would we laugh at?

      We need you, if only for entertainment value.

      J x

       From: [email protected]

       To: [email protected]

       Subject: Re: Quick question

      Who did you laugh at before I came into your lives?

      Love, me xxx

       From: [email protected]

       To: [email protected]

       Subject: Re: Quick question

      The weirdo who used to live next door to Danny and sang songs from musicals while wearing a chicken suit.

      I think the chicken suit was something to do with his job. Can’t be sure.

      Anyway, when he moved house last summer, Danny and I were gutted. But then you totally filled that gap when you arrived in September.

      J x

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