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First, we winterized the tree house. Take a peek . . .
The biggest winter addition was the Sled-Shot. See, the first rule of life after the Monster Apocalypse is that there are zero rules, so you can and should do everything in a totally ridiculous fashion!
Actually, I lied – the first rule is don’t get bitten by a zombie and also don’t get eaten by a monster – but after that, it’s the rule about over-the-top ridiculousness.
So, we climbed into the Sled-Shot, our monster buddies flung us, we went sailing way too far and way too fast, and now . . .
‘Dudes!’ June cries out. ‘We are on a direct collision course with that one-armed monster’s mouth!’
‘I know it, I know it!’ I say.
Rapid-fire, I analyze the situation, seeing every possible manoeuvre and attack. I think it’s a skill I picked up from watching too many movies, reading too many graphic novels, and playing too many video games . . .
So as we sail toward the great monster’s maw, I realize the courageous, valiant, lion-hearted action that must be taken . . .
‘OVERBOARD!’ I scream. ‘FLEE! EMBRACE YOUR INNER COWARD, BUDDIES!’
‘But my vehicle, Jack!’ Quint cries out.
Quint’s brain is not an action hero brain. It’s a different, awesome brain. But he simply cannot process abandoning something he’s worked so hard on. He doesn’t worry about the imminent death.
So I have to worry about it for him. I grip his sweater and –
Overboard was the right decision.
There’s a gulp – and the great beast’s belly rumbles. The sled has been swallowed. Two seconds later and he would’ve swallowed us, too.
A monstrous roar cuts through the air.
‘C’mon!’ June shouts. She yanks me to my feet. Dirk pulls Quint from the snow, and we race out onto a wide street.
Snow whips through the air, like I’m inside a snow globe. It’s like when you have to get up in the middle of the night to pee but you can’t see anything. Only then, the worst-case scenario is you fall into an open toilet. Here the worst-case scenario is – y’know – death by monster.
Our bodies bounce. The snow-cracking CRUNCHES are deafening. The monster’s coming after us, but I only see its huge stomping legs.
‘Guys! We need to get to cover!’ I shout.
I’m using my Louisville Slicer like a cane, staggering forward while poking around. And that is not what the Louisville Slicer is for. It’s for battling monsters! It’s my ultimate weapon. I slayed Blarg with the Louisville Slicer! I battled Thrull with it! I sliced the lassos that held the King Wretch with it!
BLARG:
Big, brutal beast.
THRULL:
Man-monster! Undercover traitor monster!
KING WRETCH:
This dude gave me weird dream-visions and then his chest opened so Rezzoch could talk to me and, yeah, it was nuts.
THE LOUISVILLE SLICER:
My radical weapon.
It did damage to all these bad dudes.
I mean, that bat is basically my lightsaber!
CRUNCH!
The monster stomps grow louder. Up ahead, I see an opening – like the mouth of a cave . . . What the – where are we? I thought we were in the suburbs, but now we’ve stumbled upon some sort of cave situation?
‘Whoa, whoa,’ Dirk says. ‘Could be frost giants. Frost giants live in caves – learned that from Conan the Barbarian.’
June sighs. ‘Dudes, really? It’s not a cave! It’s the car wash!’
Another CRUNCH!
‘In we go!’ I say, and we race into the car wash tunnel.
Even inside, the cold is crippling. Quint’s teeth are chattering. We really need to upgrade our winter outfits – if we don’t, hypothermia might take us down before a monster –
RAWRRR!
The monster’s howl slices through the car wash, bouncing off the walls. ‘The big guy found us!’ June cries. It’s at the entrance.
The beast’s hot breath warms the air, turning the car wash tunnel into a humid haze.
Through the mist, I see the monster: a giant, one-armed beast with a single fistacular paw. One massive . . .
-MEATHOOK!-
This monster – Meathook – bends down. It peers into the car wash tunnel.
And that’s when I see there’s something on top of the beast. A figure wearing a dark cloak that snaps in the wind.
I gulp.
We carefully inch forward, peeking out around the tunnel’s corner. We watch the figure’s arm raise and clasp the cloak.
A hood is pulled back.
And СКАЧАТЬ