Barry Loser Hates Half Term. Jim Smith

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ cried my dad from

       upstairs. ‘MAUREEN, DESMOND’S

       POOED HIS NAPPY AGAIN!’

      My dad was talking about my baby

       brother, Desmond Loser the Second,

       in case you didn’t know.

      14

      ‘WELL, CHANGE IT THEN!’ screamed

       my mum up the stairs, and she turned

       back to us and started ringing. Which

       was weird, because she isn’t a phone.

      She’s my mum.

      15

      ‘My new phone!’ smiled my mum,

      pulling a huge great big shiny white

      phone out of her pocket and sliding

      her finger across the screen. ‘Loser

      residence!’ she said, holding it up to

      her ear.

      16

      ‘What’s that I’m looking at?’ crackled

       a voice out of the phone’s speaker.

       ‘Is that an ear or something?’

      ‘Ooh, must be a video call!’ said my

       mum all proudly, and she took the

       phone away from her ear and looked

       at the screen. ‘Aunt Mildred!’ she smiled.

      17

      I hopped off the sofa and ran over to

       my mum, tiptoeing a centimetre higher

       so I could see the screen too. ‘Hi, Great

       Aunt Mildred!’ I said, spluttering biscuit

       crumbs all over Great Aunt Mildred’s

       face, which was staring back at me.

      It was at about this moment in the

       history of the universe that I noticed

       that Great Aunt Mildred’s nose was

       about three times its usual size.

      18

      ‘Are you OK, Aunt Mildred?’ said my mum. ‘Your nose looks a bit . . . puffy.’

      ‘That’s why I’m calling,’ said Great Aunt Mildred. ‘This little blighter bit me on the end of my hooter just now and the whole thing’s swollen up like an air bag!’

      She held a jam jar up to the screen. Inside was a bright green beetle with six red legs and a humungaloid pair of pincers. ‘I was reaching for a banana when it jumped out of the fruit bowl!’ she warbled.

      19

      Bunky and Nancy slid off their bits of

      the sofa and ran over to have a look

      at Great Aunt Mildred’s nose. ‘She’s

      right - it DOES look like an air bag!’

      chuckled Bunky, as Nancy peered into

      the jam jar on the screen.

      ‘Where are your bananas from?’ asked

      Nancy.

      ‘Feeko’s Supermarket, of course!’ said

      Great Aunt Mildred.

      20

      ‘No, I meant what country!’ said Nancy,

      and Great Aunt Mildred put the jam

      jar down and wandered off, then

      reappeared a millisecond later holding

      a banana.

      ‘Sticker says “Grown in Smeldovia”,’

      said Great Aunt Mildred, and Nancy

      gasped.

      ‘I knew I recognised that insect - it’s a

      Smeldovian Biting Banana Beetle,’ Nancy

      said. ‘They’re extremely poisonous!’

      21

      I looked at Bunky and raised my favourite eyebrow.

      ‘Typikeel Nancy!’ I said, seeing as she

       always knows stuff like that -

       especially since she’d started going

       along to her dad’s loserish nature club.

      ‘POISONOUS?’ gasped Great Aunt

       Mildred, grabbing her nose. ‘What

       does that mean?’ she whimpered.

      ‘It means I’m coming round right now!’

       said my mum.

      22

      ‘Call you when I get there!’ cried my

       mum, reversing out of the driveway,

       and we all waved. She’d thrown her

       travel bag into the back seat of her

       car, seeing as Great Aunt Mildred lived

       about eight million miles away and

       she’d have to stay until she was better,

       which might be all week.

      23

      ‘B-but, Maureen . . .’ warbled my dad,

       bending over to pick up Desmond Loser

       the Second. ‘What about my bad back?

       I can’t look after Barry and Desmond

       all on my own!’

      ‘Oh don’t be pathetic, Kenneth!’ said my

       mum, honking the horn, and she was

       gone. Which meant . . .

      24

СКАЧАТЬ