Three Letters. Josephine Cox

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СКАЧАТЬ thing. It’s like I was saying, we’re all different, and we all deal differently with particular situations. I agree … some people’s kind of love is complicated. It isn’t for you and it isn’t for me either, but people can’t help the way they are, and though we might not care for their kind of love, we have to accept it. That’s just the way it is.’

      ‘So …’ in his young mind, Casey tried to make sense of it all, ‘… you’re telling me that my mam really does love me, only in a different way?’

      ‘Well, yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying.’

      ‘So, why did you take me away from her? Why did you say you never want me to live with her again?’

      Realising that Casey had heard more than he’d first thought, Tom gave him a simple explanation that he hoped would finish the conversation right there. ‘Well, the way I see it is this. You said yourself that you didn’t like her kind of love.’

      ‘I don’t!’

      ‘OK. So, if you stayed with her, you would be unhappy, is that right?’

      ‘Yes!’

      ‘And you might refuse to accept her kind of love and even fight against it, because you think she’s cruel and unkind. So, there might be arguments and fights and she would get angry and hit out. And the whole situation would escalate into a war between you. Am I right?’

      ‘Yes. I don’t want to live with her, because she’s too cruel. She tells lies, and she hit me with her fists, and she smashed up the guitar.’ Scrambling to his feet, he began to cry. ‘I don’t want her to love me any more. I’m glad you took me away because I don’t want her. I only want you and Granddad Bob.’

      ‘And that’s your final decision, is it?’ Tom was satisfied that his attempted interpretation of Ruth’s ‘love’ for Casey had somehow helped; making him realise that, his mother had proved herself to be more than capable of making his life a misery, and that it was all right for him to leave.

      It was a huge source of comfort to Tom that his boy would be out of harm’s reach, and safely settled with his granddad.

      ‘Come on then, son.’ Securing the guitar over Casey’s shoulder, he swung him into his arms. ‘We’d best go and tell Granddad Bob.’

      ‘Will you tell him how Mam smashed up your guitar?’

      ‘Oh, I’m sure he’ll see that for himself.’

      ‘He won’t be pleased.’

      ‘You’re right. He won’t.’

      ‘What else will you tell him?’ Casey remembered the man who he heard in his mother’s bedroom, and the others who had been there before him.

      Suspecting the reasoning behind this question, Tom feigned a chuckle. ‘I’ll tell him he’s got two smelly lodgers from the Blakewater, and that we both need a hot bath.’

      ‘And that we’re cold and hungry, eh?’ Casey was excited.

      ‘OK, that too.’

      ‘Yeah!’ Casey was famished. ‘If Granddad’s made a meat and potato pie, there might be some left over.’

      With that in mind, they headed for the nearest bus stop, where they sat on the wooden bench to wait.

      When, some ten minutes later, the bus arrived, the two of them climbed aboard and seated themselves on the seat furthest from the doors. ‘We’ll be far enough away from the draught here,’ Tom decided.

      Tom bought two single tickets to Preston New Road. From there, they would walk down to Addison Street, where he was born and grew up.

      Realising how much was at stake following his decision, he was deeply apprehensive. So many things to think about. So much responsibility. Of late, he had been called upon to take the most important decisions of his life. Heart-breaking decisions that would affect those he loved. He had never wished to be in this situation, but now that he was, he had to face it with hard determination, or be lost.

      There was too much to think about, too much that he did not understand. He was forced to act, and he did so after long deliberation, and with a sad heart. There was much regret and, more importantly, too much left unsaid.

      ‘Daddy!’

      Casey’s raised voice startled him. ‘Ssh! Don’t be so loud, Casey. There are other people on this bus.’

      ‘I’m sorry, Dad, but I need to ask something.’

      ‘All right, I’m listening. What is it you want to say?’

      ‘I just wanted to know … if you were sad?’ The memory of that awful row between his parents had really unsettled him.

      Smiling assuredly, Tom answered, ‘Well, I might have been just a little bit sad, but I’m happy enough now. What about you?’

      ‘I’m really happy now, ’cause I’ll be with you and Granddad.’ Easier of heart, the boy resumed looking through the window; and while he counted the streetlamps as they flashed by, Tom turned his mind to other, burning issues.

      His thoughts were torn between his own dear father, and this darling boy whom he loved with a passion. They were his responsibility, and he could not help but be afraid for them.

      Ruth was a born survivor. With tooth and nail, she would always find a way. Surprisingly, even though she had caused him anguish over the years, Tom was still able to think of her in a kindly way.

      A long time ago he had stopped trying to fathom her sudden bouts of wicked temper and the spiteful manner in which she flew at the boy for any reason. Yet though her behaviour maddened him at times, he could find no lasting hatred in his heart towards her.

      Through the years, his love for her had been tested many times, but he could not deny the affection he felt towards her. Yes, she was a cheat, and yes, she could be cruel and violent at times. But even though the boy might have come from another man’s seed – though Tom hoped that was not the case – Ruth had still given him the best gift any woman could give her man. She had offered him a son to love and raise, and he had come to love the boy, heart and soul.

      Soon, though, young Casey would be sorely tested, and right now Tom prayed he had provided him with the right tools to deal with life. Because all too soon, it would be time for him to leave.

      When Tom looked up, Casey smiled at him, a trusting, innocent smile.

      Tom returned the smile, but behind it lay a great reservoir of loneliness, and a forlorn hope that he might be forgiven for what he soon must do.

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