As Seen On Tv. Sarah Mlynowski

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      NYC—Assistant Manager, New Business Development

      Soda Star, America’s leading beverage company, seeks candidates for its growing New Business Development department.

      Candidates should have bubbly personality, positive outlook on life (glass is always half-full!), free-flowing ideas, excellent contacts. Sparkling written, communication and organizational skills. A drop of administrative work required. An all-you-can-drink opportunity!

      If you have Star potential, please e-mail your resume as a Word document ONLY to hr@workforcheap&beourbitch.com.

      1

      Moonlighting

      “Why are you calling?” the HR woman asks me, panic-stricken, as if recess is over and she hasn’t finished her Fruit Roll-up. “Didn’t the ad say not to phone?”

      “Yes, I understand that, thank you, but I’ll only be in New York for a few days. I would really like to set up an interview.” I need a new job. I attempt to shield myself behind the pay phone’s plastic divider, since this is the only nicotine-friendly cafeteria on the block and anyone from the office could easily sneak in for a smoke.

      The smell of this stale smoke combined with the plates of shepherd’s pie lined up on the counter make me wish long-distance calls from my cell phone didn’t make me sound as though I’m calling from Zimbabwe. I also wish I knew how to make a calling-card call from my office without getting the IT department.

      “Once the hundreds of resumes we’ve received for the Assistant Manager, New Business Development position are reviewed,” the HR woman says, “the managing director will choose the candidates to be interviewed. If you’re one of the fortunate ones selected, I assure you, you’ll be called.”

      Obviously the first thing this woman does when she gets home is kick her dog. “Thank you very much for your time,” I say.

      I redial Soda Star’s number.

      “Florida Telephone Systems.” Brrring.

      I dial my calling-card number.

      “Soda Star, the shining light in beverages,” the receptionist sings. “How may I help you?”

      “May I please speak to the managing director?”

      “Which managing director is that, miss?”

      Which managing director? Shouldn’t there only be one director who manages? Or maybe one manager who directs? “The new business managing director, please.” Please let that be right.

      “Whom should I say is calling?”

      A person he’s never heard of before? “Sunny Langstein.”

      “One moment, please. I’ll transfer your call.”

      Foiled again, HR.

      I’m probably going to get his voice mail. Why would he be at his desk at 10:30 a.m.? He’s probably out managing. Or directing. Or managing directors when it gets really crazy. I hunt through my recently started job-search notebook where I wrote possible messages to leave on prospective employers’ machines.

      Ring, ring. Heart beating erratically.

      “Ronald Newman speaking.”

      Good. Damn. He’s there. It’s a he. Concentrate on exuding confident, sexy, sweet voice. I flip back to the page of possible things to say to prospective employers. “Hi, Mr. Newman? This is Sunny Langstein calling. I’m presently the assistant manager of new business development for Panda in Fort Lauderdale, but I will be relocating to New York for personal reasons. I’m very impressed with your company’s work and would like to continue my professional growth in the beverage industry. I’ll be in New York next week, and I was wondering if you’d consider meeting with me to discuss any potential job openings in your department.”

      “How did you get this number? Aren’t you supposed to go through HR?”

      Sounds cranky. Must accent the sweet voice. “I’m so sorry to bother you, sir.” Now confident. “I just assumed calling you would be more efficient.”

      He laughs. I picture him reclining in a brown leather reading chair, a pipe dangling from his lips. “Well, Sunny, you’re probably right. Do you think you could handle working in the big leagues?”

      Oooh. The big leagues.

      “I’m quite confident I can, sir. I have excellent—” this is where I exploit the many hackneyed and meaningless qualifications employers salivate over “—communication and organizational skills. I multitask, prioritize, problem-solve and self-start. I pay strong attention to detail and work effectively with both creative and production staff. I have a proactive approach toward current products and new business, and I have a personable, team-player personality. Will you be able to meet with me for an informational interview?”

      Pause. “Are you aware that I’m looking for an assistant manager right now? To report directly to me?”

      No kidding. “Really? I’d love to come and talk to you about it. I’ll be in NewYork next Monday. Do you have a free half hour?”

      He laughs again. “You’re a go-getter. I like that. Hmm. Let me check.”

      He’s clicking on his keyboard. Clicking…clicking…more clicking.

      “Did I mention I’m proficient in most computer programs including Windows, Macintosh, Microsoft Office and Photoshop?” I ask.

      He whistles his approval. “How about right before my golf game? Four o’clock?”

      Liza, my boss, strolls through the doors. Damn. Now why am I using a pay phone in the cafeteria across the street from my office in the middle of the morning? She knows I don’t smoke. I ram my notepad and pen back into my bag. “Perfect. I’ll see you then. ’Bye.”

      “Okay. Great…um…” Come on, Newman, spit it out. “Will you fax me your resume?”

      Liza doesn’t see me yet. She’s ordering something. Is she sneaking a cup of coffee? Since she announced her pregnancy, she’s been strutting her water bottle all Mormon-like around the office, boasting how effortlessly she gave up caffeine, smokes and Chardonnay.

      “No problem,” I say. “Thanks. ’Bye.”

      “Do you know where our offices are?”

      “On Forty-third Street, right? It’s on your Web site?”

      “Yes and yes. I’m on the sixth floor. Just tell Heidi you’re here to see me.”

      I assume Heidi is his receptionist. “Great. ’Bye.”

      “Don’t you want my fax number?”

      “Isn’t it the one on the Web site?”

      “No, I have a personal fax number. Do you want it?”

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