The Disappearance. Annabel Kantaria

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      I dropped my gaze back to the marking, willing him to know I wasn’t pregnant without me having to spell it out. Mark crossed the stripped floorboards in three strides and bent down to drop a kiss on my hair, his fingers stroking my cheek as he did so. He dropped onto the sofa next to me. His hand found mine and he interlaced our fingers.

      ‘Hi darling,’ he said, giving my hand a squeeze. ‘How was your morning?’

      I squeezed back.

      ‘Did you hear from the doctor?’ Mark asked, his face alive with expectation.

      I turned to look at him, pressing my lips together, and nodded slowly, unable to articulate the words. Mark pulled me against his chest with his free arm. I felt my eyes well up; a prickling at the back of my nose. I squeezed my eyes shut and tears spilled onto Mark’s sweater.

      ‘It’s okay,’ he said, rubbing my back. ‘It’s okay.’

      I pulled away and looked stared at his face in despair. ‘But it’s not okay! How is it okay? How can it possibly be okay? I was so sure this time! I’m getting older. It’s not going to happen!’

      ‘Lex. Lex, Lex, Lex. We’ve been through this. Yes, a baby would be nice, but we have each other. It’s enough. It’s you I married, not a child who doesn’t yet exist. It’s you I want.’ His voice cracked. ‘I wish you would believe me.’

      I closed my eyes. ‘I know you mean it now. But what happens in five years? What if you change your mind? You can …’ I didn’t say it. I’d said it before; Mark could leave me and have a baby with someone younger. It was my deepest fear; that I wouldn’t be able to give him what he wanted and he’d leave.

      ‘That’s not going to happen. You’ve got to stop beating yourself up about this, Lex. Please.’

      I knew he was right and I did believe him. It was my guilt that kept bringing me back to this place: guilt that I’d wasted my child-bearing years in a dead-end marriage with a bully of a husband; guilt that I’d been too scared to leave. If I’d walked away five years sooner – if I’d met Mark five years earlier – maybe we’d have a nursery upstairs; the sound of tiny feet pattering overhead. It was a train of thought that Mark consistently refused to entertain. ‘Everything happens for a reason,’ he’d say. ‘Maybe I’d have been a bastard to you five years ago. You can’t live life thinking “if only”.’

      I sat back up and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. The baby conversation – the same hopeless one we had every month – was going nowhere. ‘Mum had a car accident last night,’ I said. ‘John called to tell me. It’s not been a good day.’

      ‘Whoah, sweetheart. What happened? Is she okay?’

      ‘I think so. Bumped and bruised but nothing broken. She’s shocked and might have whiplash but they’ve discharged her on condition someone stays with her overnight. John’s asked me to go.’

      ‘Okay.’

      I sighed. ‘It’s just … with all this …’I flicked a hand over my abdomen, ‘I just …’ My face crumpled again.

      ‘I know, sweetheart. I know. But it’s your mum, and she needs you.’

      ‘I wish John could do it.’

      ‘Have you told him about … you know? Does he know we’re trying?’

      I shook my head.

      ‘Well, then you can’t expect him to be sympathetic, hon.’

      ‘I know, but …’

      Mark looked at the floor. I knew him well enough to know he was trying to compose a sentence that I wouldn’t necessarily like in terms that he hoped I might accept.

      ‘He can’t always be there for your mum, Lex. He’s got a family,’ Mark said carefully. He held up his hand, anticipating my argument. ‘Yes, I know the twins aren’t his. But Lexi, you’ve got to get over this. He’s married their mother and adopted them. They are his responsibility now.’ Mark paused to check he still had my attention. ‘And we both know it’s the prima donna who wears the trousers in that marriage.’ He smiled at me. ‘When she says “plié”, he pliés over the bloody moon and back!’ I couldn’t help but crack a smile at the image of my po-faced brother flying over the moon in a ballet tutu. ‘His life is way more complicated than ours, sweetheart. He’s being torn in so many directions.’

      I sighed and picked imaginary fluff off the arm of the sofa.

      ‘And this is why we live here,’ Mark continued. ‘So you can help out. Can you imagine if you had to come down from London? It’s so much easier now.’ He paused and I didn’t say anything. ‘Shall I help you pack?’

      ‘It’s okay. Thanks. I’ve already put some stuff in a bag.’

      ‘Good. Anyway – I have some good news today.’

      ‘Really? What?’

      ‘Fanfare please!’ Mark pretended to play a trumpet. ‘I should have a payment coming in this week!’

      ‘Really? A big one?’

      He nodded. ‘Yep. It won’t do anything daft like buy a car, but it should cover our outgoings for a couple of months. Give us a bit of a breather.’

      Even as he said the words, I felt the tension I’d been carrying since we’d realised that it wasn’t going to be as easy as we’d hoped for Mark to find a job in Truro release a notch. For the past few months, we’d been living hand-to-mouth on my teacher’s salary, which barely covered the mortgage payments, plus the few odd jobs that Mark could do.

      ‘That’s fantastic.’

      Mark smiled. ‘And there’s more. I’ve got a lead on a job that looks promising.’

      ‘Wow! It’d be so good to have you back on a regular salary.’

      ‘Tell me about it.’ Mark leaned over and kissed me. ‘Now. What else can I fix for you today, madam? Burst water pipe? Faulty boiler?’

      I nodded my head towards the marking. ‘Do you feel like marking eighty Year 6 assessments while I’m away?’

      ‘I can’t help you with that, I’m afraid: you’re the smarty pants. Why don’t you take them to your mum’s? You’re bound to get a chance to do it there.’ He paused. ‘But, please, darling, please don’t make her feel bad about you going down.’ He lifted my chin with his finger. ‘I know what a little martyr you can be.’

       March 1971

       Bombay, India

      Audrey’s new job is in the office of the shipping firm where Janet works. She’s far too busy on the first day, meeting the other staff and learning the СКАЧАТЬ