‘Dancing in my nuddy-pants!’. Louise Rennison

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СКАЧАТЬ especially as she was breathing very heavily. It was like a big slug snoring in your ear. Still, very sweet.

      Ish.

      12:10 a.m.

      I’ve accidentally got to Six and a half on the snogging scale with my little sister.

      12:12 a.m.

      The Sex God does varying pressure, like Rosie says foreign boys do. Soft, then hard, then soft. Yummy scrumboes.

      Oh Robbie, how could I ever have doubted our love?

      12:15 a.m.

      Dave the Laugh is a bit full of himself, anyway. What was it he said at the fish party? “You have to choose: a Sex God or me, who you can really have a laugh with.”

      Yes, well, I have chosen. And I have not chosen you, Mr Dave the Laughylaugh. She who laughs last laughs the laughingest

      12:20 a.m.

      He has got fantastic lip-nibbling technique, though.

      12:25 a.m.

      I have gone all feverish now. I wonder where Angus is? I’ve not heard any wildlife being slaughtered for ages. Or the Next Doors’ poodles Snowy and Whitey (also known as the Prat Brothers) yapping. He must be feeling really depressed. In a cat way.

      Haunted by his lost love.

      Half the cat he was, and only fading memories of his trouser-snake days.

      12:29 a.m.

      What is it with my bed? Angus had got a perfectly cosy cat basket, but oh no, he has to come in with me.

      12:37 a.m.

      And why does he like my head so much? It’s like having a huge fur hat on.

      Why does he do that?

      Why?

      Monday November 22nd 8:25 a.m.

      Everyone late for everything. When Mutti took Libby to kindy, both had hair sticking on end like they had been electrocuted. They should try the cat hat method – it keeps your hair very flat

      Run, run, pant, pant.

      Jas and I panted up the hill to Stalag 14, past the usual assortment of Foxwood lads. They are so weird. Two passed us and started doing impressions of gorillas. Why? Then another group went by, and the biggest one, no stranger to all-over-head acne, said, “Have you got a light?”

      Jas said, “No, I don’t smoke,” and he said, “No chance of a shag, then, I suppose?” And he and his mates went off slapping and shoving each other.

      I said to Jas, “They show a distinct lack of maturiosity, but never fear, that is where I come in. I have thought of something très très amusant to do with glove animal if it snows this winter.”

      Jas didn’t say anything.

      “Jas.”

      “What?”

      “I said something très amusant and you ignorez-voused me. You do remember good old glove animal, don’t you?”

      “I know I got three bad conduct marks because you made me wear my gloves pinned over my ears like a big doggy with a beret on top.”

      “Voilà, glove animal. Anyway, I think he should make a comeback this term and liven up the stiffs.”

      She was pretending not to listen to me but I knew she wanted to really. She was doing fringe fiddling; however, I resisted the temptation to slap her hand, and said, slowly so that she could understand me, “Glove animals have to wear sunglasses when it snows.”

      “What?”

      “Is that all you can say?”

      “What?”

      “You are doing it to annoy me, mon petit pal, but I love you.”

      “Don’t start.”

      “Anyway, we will have to wear sunglasses with glove animal if it snows, to prevent…snow blindness!!”

      She didn’t get it, though. I have to keep the comedy levels up at school all by myself.

      Assembly 9:20 a.m.

      I told the rest of the Ace Gang about the glove animal and snow blindness hilariosity and they gave me the special Klingon salute. Then I got the ferret-eye from Hawkeye and had to pretend to listen to our large and glorious leader, Slim. Her feet are so fat that you can’t actually see any shoe at all. It is only a question of time before she explodes.

      Slim was rambling on about the splendour of Shakespeare’s Hamlet as an allegory for modern times.

      For once she is right. Shakespeare is not just some really old boring bloke in tights, because after all it was he who said, “To snog or not to snog, that is the question.”

      How true, Bill.

      Break

      Our new pastime to fill in the long hours before we are allowed to go home is called “Let’s go down the disco”. Anytime any one of the Ace Gang says it, we all have to do manic disco dancing from the 70s (excess head shaking and arm waggling). Even if I do say it myself, it is a piece of resistance.

      German

      We disco danced at our desks pretty much all the way through German while Herr Kamyer wrote ludicrous things on the board about Herr Koch. As I said to him when we were leaving class, “Vas is der point?”

      Lunchtime

      Very nippy noodles shivering around outside. What harm have we ever done to anyone?

      I said that to the gang, “What harm have we ever done to anyone that we are made to go outside in Antarctic conditions?”

      Rosie, Ellen, Jools and Mabs all said, “None, we have never done anything.”

      But Jas, who seems to have turned into Wise Woman of the Forest, said, “Well, there was the locust thing, and the dropping of the blodge lab skeleton on to Mr Attwood’s head and…”

      Honestly, if I wasn’t the girlfriend of a Sex God I would have had to duff Jas up, she is so ludicrously “thoughtful” these days. I think I liked her better when she was all depressed СКАЧАТЬ