Death’s Jest-Book. Reginald Hill

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СКАЧАТЬ his onslaught, but I didn’t. I twisted and turned and weaved and ducked, and when I finally knocked over my king, we both knew he’d beaten me fair and square.

      He smiled as he re-set the pieces. Like a ripple on a dark pool.

      ‘Chess, war, job,’ he said. ‘All the same. Get them thinking one way, go the other.’

      Not a bad game plan I suppose if you’re a career criminal.

      After that I stopped worrying about results.

      Now everyone was my friend again but I played it cool. I wanted to be accepted as an equal not envied as a favourite. I knew as long as I played my cards, and my pieces, right, I’d got a fully paid-up ticket to ride my stretch as comfortably as I could hope.

      But make yourself as comfortable as you like in a noisy stinking overcrowded iron-barred nineteenth-century prison and it’s still a fucking jail.

      Time to turn my energies to my next project, which was to get myself an exeat.

      You can see why I didn’t have any time for the luxury of plotting revenge! I had a delicate balancing act to perform, staying Polchard’s friend and at the same time getting myself a sufficient reputation as a reformed character to get a transfer to a nice open prison. Despite all evidence to the contrary, the Powers That Be still have a touching belief in a correlation between education and virtue, so I did an Open University degree, opting for a strong sociological element on the grounds that this would give me the best opportunity to impress the PTB with my revitalized sense of civic responsibility. Also it’s the easiest stuff imaginable. Anyone with half a mind can suss out in ten minutes flat which buttons to press to get your tutors cooing over your essays. Whisk up a froth of soft left sentiments with a stiffening of social deprivation statistics and you’re home and dry, or home and wet as the old unreconstructed Thatcherites would see it. With that out of the way, I started on an MA course on the same lines. My dissertation was on the theme of Crime and Punishment, which gave me the chance to really strut my born-again-citizen stuff. But it was so deadly dull!

      It would have been all right if I could have told them the truth about my fellow cons, which was that to most of them crime was a job like any other, except there was no unemployment problem. Treating prison as a retraining opportunity is pointless when you’re dealing with people who think of themselves as out of circulation rather than out of work. Better to spend all that public money sending them on holidays abroad in the hope they’d get food poisoning or Legionnaire’s. But I knew that advancing such a theory wasn’t going to get me letters after my name, so I dripped out the usual gunge about socialization and rehabilitation and in the fullness of time became Francis Roote, MA.

      But I was still in the Syke, though by now I’d hoped to have smoothed my way out to Butlin’s, which is what my ingenious fellow felons called Butler’s Low, Yorkshire’s newest and most luxuriously appointed open prison on the fringe of the Peak District.

      I couldn’t understand why I didn’t seem to be making any progress in that direction. OK, I played chess with Polchard, but I wasn’t one of his mob in the heavy sense. I put this to one of the screws I’d sweet-talked into semi-confidential mode.

      ‘You lot can’t keep giving me black marks for playing chess,’ I protested.

      He hesitated then said, ‘Maybe it’s not us who’re giving you the black marks.’

      And that was it. But it was enough.

      It was Polchard who was making sure I didn’t get a transfer.

      He didn’t want to lose the only guy on the wing, probably in the whole of the Syke, who could give him a run for his money on the chessboard and all he had to do to keep me was let the screws know that losing me would make him, and therefore everyone else, very unhappy.

      I could see no way of changing this, so I had to find a way of countering it.

      I needed some big hitters in my corner. But where to look?

      The Governor was too busy watching his back against political do-gooders to have any time for individual cases, while the Chaplain was an old-fashioned whisky priest whose alcoholic amiability was so inclusive he even spoke up for Dendo Bright, who, thank God, had been transferred to some distant high-security unit.

      As for my obvious choice, the Prison Psychiatrist, this was a jolly little man with the unreassuring nickname of Bonkers, whom it was generally agreed you’d have to be mad to consult. But then came a Home Office inspection, which led to a temporary improvement in menu and the permanent removal, under some kind of cloud, of a still-smiling Bonkers.

      A short time later all over the jail ears and other things pricked when it was announced that a new trick cyclist had been appointed, and that it was a woman!

      Professor Duerden has interrupted me again.

      I see now that I misinterpreted his reaction when he first saw me. He wasn’t dismayed to find he was sharing the Quaestor’s Lodging but puzzled to find he was sharing it with someone he’d never met and never heard of.

      An Englishman would have slid around the subject, and some Americans can be pretty devious too, but he was of the straight-from-the-shoulder school.

      ‘So where’re you working, son?’ he asked me.

      ‘Mid-Yorkshire University,’ I replied.

      ‘That so? Now remind me, who’s running your department these days?’

      ‘Mr Dunstan,’ I said.

      ‘Dunstan?’ He looked puzzled. ‘Would that be Tony Dunstan the medievalist?’

      ‘No, it would be Jack Dunstan, the head gardener,’ I said.

      Once he got over his surprise, that really tickled him, and I saw no reason not to be completely open with him. I explained about being Sam Johnson’s pupil and how Sam had got me a job in the gardens, and how, as well as being Sam’s student, I’d also been a close friend and was, through the good offices of his sister, his literary executor.

      ‘Sam was scheduled to present a paper at the conference,’ I concluded, ‘and when the Programme Committee contacted me to ask if I would be willing to read his paper, I felt I owed it to him to accept. I presume my name’s been substituted for his all down the line, which is how I come to be in the Quaestor’s Lodging.’

      He said, ‘Yeah, that must be it,’ but I suspect he didn’t really reckon that even Sam rated high enough to be his roomy.

      In fact, I’ve been wondering about this myself and I think I’ve got it sussed. The programme says that special thanks are due to Sir Justinian Albacore, the Dean of St Godric’s, under whose auspices we are the guests of the college. That name rings a bell. Could this be the same J. C. Albacore whose study of the Gothic psyche, The Search for Nepenthe, you probably know? I’ve never read it myself, but I often saw it propping up the broken leg of a sofa in Sam Johnson’s study. For this man was the great hate of Sam’s life. According to Sam, he’d given a lot of help to Albacore when he was writing Nepenthe, and the man had shown his gratitude by ripping off his Beddoes project! Sam got suspicious on finding someone had been ahead of him when he delved into a couple of rare and apparently unrelated archives. Finally it emerged that Albacore was also working on a Beddoes critical biog. to appear in 2003, the bicentenary of TLB’s birth. And not long before his death, Sam was spitting fire at the news СКАЧАТЬ