The Third-Class Genie. Robert Leeson

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СКАЧАТЬ But please don’t call me master. My name’s Alec. And, by the way, what is your name? And just how do you come to be hiding inside a beer can?”

      There was silence for some moments, then a sigh.

      “If my master – Alec – is sitting comfortably, I will begin.”

      Alec hoisted himself on to the table and sat down.

      “Know, Alec, that my name is Abu Salem, Genie of the Third Order of rank and merit in the courts of Baghdad, Damascus and Cairo, one of the slaves of the lamp.”

      “But, Abu,” interrupted Alec, “there was only one slave of the lamp.”

      “In the days of Aladdin, that was true. But the story does not end there. For when Aladdin became Sultan and the wealthiest man in the world, the magician who was his enemy decided to take his revenge. He used his magic powers to make hundreds of small lamps, each one with a third-rank genie, and he gave these to people in the city.

      “Instead of working, all these people began to use their magic lamps to make gold, food or clothes, as they fancied. Soon it seemed that everyone in the kingdom was imitating Sultan Aladdin. There was so much gold that no one cared for it any more and they used it to make buckets and feeding troughs. Aladdin became furious and, thinking that the world was laughing at him, sent his soldiers to seize the lamps and to melt them down.

      “But now the people became furious too. They said,‘If our lamps shall melt, so shall yours.’Aladdin had to agree. So all the lamps were melted down, and the great lump of metal was put into the palace storeroom and forgotten.

      “Many many years later, when all this had been forgotten and Aladdin was no more than a story for children, there was a great war. The metal in the storeroom was made into shots for cannons and fired from the palace walls. Some landed in the sand and was forgotten again and some was buried in the ruins of the palace. Only a few pieces were found. One was used by a poor man to hold open his door and for all I know the genie sleeps within it to this day. Happy man.

      “But one was found by a metal-smith who used it to make a jug. With the handling and knocking and rubbing and polishing of daily use, the genie within it awoke. That unlucky spirit, O Alec, was I.”

      Alec leaned forward. He wasn’t quite sure where Abu the genie might be, in spirit so to speak, so he spoke to the beer can.

      “How long did all this take?”

      “I know not. A few hundred years perhaps. This time the owner was a poor man, like Aladdin in the beginning, and being poor, he was hungry too. When first I told him to make his wish, he asked for food. And food I brought him. Soon, he who had been poor and hungry became rich and very fat. And being rich, he was also vain, and being vain, he wished he were not fat.”

      “So, couldn’t you help him lose weight?” demanded Alec.

      “Indeed, I could and so I did. He became as light as a feather, but, alas, he said nothing about size. Thus, he rose in the air, like a balloon, and the east wind carried him slowly away over the mountains and he was never seen again.

      “It has been my fate, O Alec, to give my masters what they did not want. Be warned. Be warned.”

      “Oh, I’ll take my chance,” said Alec. “Go on, what happened next?”

      “The jug which had brought such evil into the house was cast out. I slept happily on the rubbish dumps of old Baghdad for a few centuries more. Ah, what bliss…” The voice yawned, and for a moment Alec feared that Abu might go to sleep again. But no.

      “I was found by a scavenger who sold me with some other vessels to a smith, who again melted down the metal and made plates. This time I was bought in the local bazaar by a British soldier who planned to polish the plate and send it home to his wife.

      “Awakened once more from my sleep, I was at his command. His first order was that I should make him colonel of the regiment and this I did. He immediately turned the officer who had commanded the regiment into a private soldier. Indeed, when I saw the transformations which he brought about, I knew I had met my match.

      “Next he commanded the officers of the regiment to do all the duties of the camp. They had to stand guard at night, to make food in the cookhouse, and to polish the great brass cannon that stood at the camp gate. The sergeants of the regiment were made to serve the private soldiers with tea in bed each morning, to press their uniforms and clean their equipment.

      “For weeks the soldiers of the camp enjoyed the life of idleness, but soon news of the strange happenings in the regiment reached London. A high-ranking officer was sent to put matters right, or wrong, if you look at it through the eyes of my master.

      “But he outwitted them. He rubbed on the plate, called me to his aid and made himself a general. Then he ordered the regiment home to England, much to the joy of the soldiers. But he had been too clever. Unless he could find someone of higher rank to order him home, he had to remain a soldier. His one hope was to find an accomplice. The only man left was the former colonel whom my master had confined to camp for his rude and impudent behaviour. My master offered him his freedom and also to make him field marshal, if he would give the order that would send my master home. Alas for human wickedness and folly! No sooner was his prisoner made field marshal, than my master was once again made a private and confined to camp, where he was ordered to stand guard at night, make food in the cookhouse and polish the great brass cannon at the camp gate. For all I know, they may still be there in that lonely desert camp.”

      “But what about you?” demanded Alec.

      “Did I not speak of human wickedness? Another soldier, having seen the plate and admired it, took it with him when the regiment sailed for England. He gave it to his wife but she believed that eating from metal plates was bad for the digestion and gave the plate to the passing rag and bone man in exchange for two goldfish, a balloon for her baby and a pair of silk stockings for herself.”

      “But how did you come to be in the beer can?” insisted Alec.

      “Alas, I know not, neither care I. I know that my pleasant sleep is at an end and I have a new master whom I must serve according to the rules of the Order of Genies, Third Class.”

      “Well, don’t look at it like that,” said Alec. “I won’t ask you to do daft things like the others did.”

      “Speak not too soon, O Alec. But as you will, so must I do. What is thy will, O Alec?”

      “First of all, I want to see who I’m talking to.”

      “Your wish cannot, alas, be granted. As a genie of the Third Rank, I have not the power to appear and disappear as well as perform tasks. Ask me another.”

      “How about something smashing to eat? Like a Super Atomic Blast Sherbet Bag?”

      “Sherbet,” replied Abu, “is not food.”

      “Food, ah, food…” Alec could almost imagine Abu rubbing his stomach. “Food!” The voice rose to a roar.

      “Go easy,” said Alec, “you’ll have half of Bugletown round here in a minute.”

      Abu laughed. “None can hear me but you, O Alec. But food, ah food…”

      “Get СКАЧАТЬ