Are these my basoomas I see before me?. Louise Rennison

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СКАЧАТЬ Now he’s snuggling into me.

      Nice.

      He’s all cosy on my knee and I can read my Vogue.

      One minute later He’s snuggling into my chest now, which is nice, but a bit difficult for me to move my arms.

      But he’s all comfy and…

      Now he’s on my shoulders, like a fur cape.

      He’s settled down now-that’s nice. He’s doing his snuggling and purring.

      One minute later Now he’s back on my lap…he’s actually on my magazine now.

      One minute later Now he’s back on my chest.

      I CAN’T STAND ANY MORE OF THIS!!!!!!

      Five minutes later It’s no use him just staring at me through the window. I’m not letting him in.

      Three minutes later Staring and staring.

      I’m going into the kitchen to see if there is anything to stave off scurvy.

      Two minutes later Now he’s staring in through the kitchen window.

      6:30 p.m. He can’t stare at me in the bathroom because there is frosted glass. Hahahahaha.

      He’d better not burrow in through the sewage system and pop up out of the loo.

      No calls from anyone.

      Not Masimo, not Dave the Laugh.

      Too busy with his girlfriend I suppose.

      Really, I’m too upset and tired to do my beauty routine, but as someone once said, possibly on Big Brother, “When the going gets tough, the tough get moisturising and plucking.”

      If I am once again going to be spinster of the parish, I will at least be smoothy smooth.

      In the bathroom What does Dad do with his razors? They are so blunt! I’ve torn my legs to ribbons. I look like I’ve been playing hockey with the Piranha family. Ouchy ouch ouch!!!

      And ouch.

      I must staunch the flow. I’ve probably lost an armful of blood already.

      Phone rang Oh my giddy god’s pyjamas. I hobbled over with my legs covered in bits of loo paper and picked up the receiver. I tried for a casual, nonchalant sort of voice, one that didn’t sound like I was bleeding to death.

      “Hello.”

      “Hello, you cheeky Fräulein. You know you love it.”

      It was Dave. Oh, I felt so happy I wanted to cry.

      He said, “So what’s up, Kittykat?”

      And I started.

      “After you went on Saturday night, the Luuurve God got on his huffmobile.”

      Dave said, “And he didn’t say anything?”

      “No, he just looked at me all sort of sad.”

      “Was he crying?”

      “Er no.”

      “Probably worried his mascara would run.”

      “Dave.”

      “I’m just being jovial Dave the Biscuit to lighten the mood.”

      “Well, don’t be. I’m too upset.”

      “Look, Georgia, this is a bit tricky for me. There’s Emma and well…”

      “Well what? I’m only asking you to be like the Hornmeister and tell me what to do.”

      There was a pause and then he said, “OK, here’s what we’ll do. I’ll casually bump into him…”

      “And not mention pants or anything.”

      “No, I will leave pants out of it. I’ll just say that there is nothing going on to have a girlie tizz about and…”

      “You won’t actually say the girlie tizz thing, will you?”

      “Right, er well, I’ll say…well, I don’t know exactly what I will say, just that we were having a laugh because…that’s what mates do.”

      “And that’s true, isn’t it?”

      There was another little pause and then Dave said, “Yeah, well, listen, I have to go now.”

      And he was gone.

      Had that gone well?

      If so, why did I feel so funny?

      10:30 p.m. No call from Masimo.

      10:32 p.m. Still, on the bright side, we’ve got a budgie.

      10:40 p.m. Not for long I suspect. Angus and Gordy have been staring at it since Vati brought it home from the birdy sanctuary.

      Midnight If anyone can fix it, it’s the Hornmeister. I must get the Luuurve God back. It means everything to me.

      I hadn’t even been able to properly show off that I was his girlfriend before I was maybe dumped.

Elepoon in your nick-nacks

      Monday September 19th Woke up from a dream where Dave had come up to me and said, “I didn’t even mention pants and he went ballisticisimus.”

      And Dave had a pair of pants on his head.

      And they weren’t small.

      8:15 a.m. A bit earlier than usual. I want to make sure Jas doesn’t get to Stalag 14 without me.

      I want to know how Jazzy Spazzy is going to carry on her campaign of ignorez-vousing me when I refuse to be ignorez-voused.

      8:25 a.m. Thar she blows! She senses I am here and she is putting a bit of speed on.

      8:29 a.m. Aaaah, I have got her in my sights. Her bottom is waggling away only just in front of me. I am going to do my world-renowned speedwalking.

      8:32 a.m. My nose is practically on the back of her beret.

      She is still pretending I am invisible girlie, but she must be able to hear me panting.

      I pulled out a Jammy Dodger and held it in front of СКАЧАТЬ