Are these my basoomas I see before me?. Louise Rennison

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СКАЧАТЬ The other team were from St Pat’s and quite fit boys as it happens. If you like quite fit boys.

      I was just having a Midget Gem to calm me down and my back was to the road when I heard a scooter approaching. It might be the Luuurve God. I got immediate knee tremblers and jelloid knickers. But I must not expose my jelloid knickers-I must exude sophisticosity. How do you do sophisticosity without turning round?

      Perhaps if I tightened my bum-oley muscles that might make for a better profile rear-wise?

      No, that might look like I needed a poo.

      I’ll just not turn round and leave it at that.

      I heard the scooter come to a halt and I said to Rosie, “What’s going on?”

      And she said, “It’s Robbie and he’s got something hideous clinging to his back.”

      I looked round and Wet Lindsay was on the back of his scooter.

      They got off and Robbie looked across and smiled at me. I smiled back to him. Lindsay had her head down, looking in her bag. I said to Rosie, “That bag over her head quite suits her.”

      What was she doing?

      We watched as Robbie got his footie boots on. He is certainly in tip-top condition. It is such a waste for him to be with the Bride of Dracula. Lindsay brought out a towel and a water bottle from her bag and handed it to Robbie.

      Ten Seconds later She was massaging his neck. Blimey! Has she turned into some sort of Octopussy handmaiden?

      I said to the gang, “I bet she comes scampering on with the half-time oranges tucked down her bra. There is enough room…She’s probably got a packed lunch in there.”

      Which is a fact. Surely Robbie must know about her false basooma fiasco?

      Erlack! I have accidentally got parts of Wet Lindsay in my brain.

      I feel dirty. It was nearly kick-off time. I was behind the tree looking over at the lads and noticed that Dave the Laugh was still missing.

      “I wonder where Dave the Laugh is?”

      And a voice behind me said, “Why? Are you longing for the Hornmeister, you naughty Kittykat?”

      I looked round and there he was, lurking like a lurker and looking very cool in his black training stuff. He was twinkly round the eyes and said to the gang, “The vati has arrived. Now we can groove.”

      Ellen’s head practically dropped off with redness. She still luuurves him even though she is going out with Declan.

      Dave said, “Well, I’d love to stay swapping make-up hints with you girls, but there are arses to kick.”

      As he was going by me, I said, “Erm…Dave, would you give me a call? I want to ask you something.”

      He looked at me. “If you are hoping to entice me into rummachen unterhalb der Taille, I have told you before, you are embarrassing yourself.”

      Oooohhhhh, he is sooo annoying.

      The lads were yelling at him, “Oy, Dave, get a wriggle on, mate!!”

      Dave started humming the theme from Match of the Day and jogging off backwards, waving at us. Then he turned towards the team and started doing run run leap like a mad gazelle. When he was a few metres from them, he did slow-motion running with his arms outstretched and his team started doing the same towards him. When they reached each other, they had a minor ruck.

      Boys never cease to amaze me, never.

      I wonder if he will phone me though? Masimo hasn’t turned up. Perhaps he already has a new girlfriend.

      Half time Dave’s team are winning one-nil. I’d like to say it is down to superior skill, but largely it’s because Sven fell on to the St Pat’s goalkeeper and the ball went over the line. St Pat’s protested, but it’s pointless arguing with Sven. He took the player who was arguing with him and lifted him off his feet and kissed him on the mouth.

      The bloke was nearly sick, but he shut up and the goal counted.

      Wet Lindsay did have half-time oranges. Sadly not down her bra.

      But even so, half-time oranges. How crap is that? Vair vair crap.

      Three minutes later I went and stood really near to Jas. She ignorez-voused me. So I gave a pretendy piece of half-time chocolate to one of her owls. She snatched her owly away.

      Tom was there and he said, “Oh, come on, you two. Put your handbags down. Come on, Jas, speak to Georgia.”

      She said, “Who?”

      And went off flicking her fringe to speak to Emma, who turned up to hang around Dave. Jas has only known Emma for about a minute and a half. I do hate her. It’s official.

      She should be on my side in my time of neednosity.

      After all I have done for her.

      I said that to the Ace Gang as the second half started. I said, “She is ignorez-vousing me after all I have done for her.” Ellen dithered into life (unfortunately) and said, “Er…what, erm, what have you, erm, done like, for her?” Where to begin?

      I said, “For a start, I have put up with her stupid fringe-flicking for about a million years.”

      But it was pointless trying to get anyone’s attention because they were all acting like divs in front of their boyfriends.

      5:15 p.m. I thought I might have to do the Heimlich manoeuvre on Ellen when Declan asked her to the cinema at the end of the match. Well, actually, I say “asked,” but what happened is that he nodded his head at her and she trotted over to him like puppy dog girl. It was like a horrible love fest at the end.

      I would have more pridenosity with my boyfriend. If I had a boyfriend.

      6:00 p.m. All alone at home.

      Phone rang. I nervously picked it up, but it was only Mum telling me that they are at Grandvati’s for tea and did I want to go over. Is she mad?

      6:02 p.m. The rest of the gang have gone to the cinema. With their boyfriends. Not even a thought for my tragicosity. Well, to be fair, they did ask me to go, but I would have just been goosegog girl among the snoggers.

      6:15 p.m. Angus seems to understand what I am going through. He has leaped up on to my lap.

      Nice.

      Aaaah. He’s purring.

      Really loudly actually.

      Nice СКАЧАТЬ