Confessions of a School Nurse. Michael Alexander

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       Teaching the teachers

      We needed some guidance. After my first two sexual education talks, I had many unanswered questions:

      To help us in our quest to provide relevant, age appropriate, unbiased information, we went on a research trip to London. Britain has had boarding schools for hundreds of years, and, I like to think, pretty much have them sorted. These institutions have heaps of resources for matrons, nurses, dorm parents and teachers. Our brief was three-fold. Michaela, Justine and I went to a conference all about sexual education; we invited a sexual education specialist to come to our school and educate us about how to teach; and we invested in pamphlets, booklets, questionnaires, DVDs and online resources to make our lessons more interesting and, as far as possible, more ‘hands on’.

      With all this new material, I now felt better prepared, but it wasn’t until my second year that I got to do another sex talk, and it happened to include some of the boys from my first: William, Chen and João. They had made the transition from junior school to high school, and the powers that be felt it a good idea to follow up from the previous year’s talk. They set aside the boys’ common room one evening for me to do my thing.

      This time I was armed to the hilt. I had a questionnaire, a five-minute video on dating and even props.

      ‘What’s in the box, sir?’ William asked, as eager as ever. I wanted to keep the props for the ‘hands-on’ part at the end, but the boys were too distracted for my quiz, so I popped the lid and delved inside.

      ‘Contraception is all about correct technique,’ I said, handing the first penis to William.

      ‘No way, that’s disgusting,’ cried João.

      ‘It’s a bit small, sir,’ William observed.

      ‘Nah, that size seems about right for you,’ said another boy.

      According to the guidelines, we’re supposed to teach proper technique, and make sure the boys know how to put a condom on, take one off and dispose of it.

      I reached down to pick up another prop.

      ‘Get it out of my face, you homo,’ shouted João as William tried to insert his prop into his friend’s mouth.

      ‘You seem to be enjoying playing with that, Will,’ I observed, before admonishing him for his choice of language, and he quickly cut out his antics.

      I handed the next penis to João.

      It would have been better if they’d sent us penises all the same size. João’s was a good two inches bigger than William’s.

      ‘Now you’re talking,’ he crowed. All twelve boys doubled up with laughter.

      I’d started so well, and now it was a circus.

      ‘What about me, sir? You got one big enough for me?’ said Nnakeme. I knew this would happen – boys will be boys – but I was committed now and ploughed ahead.

      ‘Who knows how to put on a condom?’

      João volunteered, and he didn’t do too badly.

      After showing them how to put a condom on and remove it properly, they all had a go, no one was exempt, whatever their background.

      It was a fun way to start the session, but now it was time for something a bit more serious, and I handed them the test I’d borrowed from the conference I’d been to in England. They said it was ‘age appropriate’ for 3rd form boys and approved for use in British schools. I was doing everything by the book. Nothing could go wrong.

       The Test

      The boys needed to answer ‘True’, ‘False’ or ‘Unsure’ to the following statements:

      I struggle to think what I would have answered when I was thirteen. We certainly had nothing like this test when I was a boy. But the results of this test, and the many times I’ve conducted it since, make me think that perhaps students do need such information at such a tender and impressionable age.

      1. Three boys said you can’t get pregnant the first time, and in every group I’ve since asked, there’s always one or two that get this wrong.

      2. A woman can get pregnant if the man pulls out. On average half the class get this wrong.

      3. No means ‘No’. Worryingly, on average 3–4 out of twelve get this wrong. I use this opportunity to talk about rape, statutory rape, and problems with consent when alcohol is involved, and knowing the laws of the country you are in.

      4. You can’t always tell if someone has an STD. Nearly everyone gets this right.

      5. One or two will say ‘true’ and a few will say ‘maybe’. They really do think HIV is a ‘gay only’ disease.