The Scattering. Kimberly McCreight

Чтение книги онлайн.

      I BREATHE IN to the count of four, trying not to exhale into the phone still pressed hard to my ear. “Jasper, what do you mean, that your mom ‘has a point?’ A point about what?”

      “About the not living with her,” he says. “Maybe I’ll just hit the road or something. You know, freedom and all that. Figure it out as I go along.”

      “Figure what out?” I snap, my fear rising.

      “Figure out everything,” he says. “I’m sorry I woke you, Wylie. It was good you were asleep. We can talk about my mom and everything later, or tomorrow. Or whatever. That wasn’t even why I called. I was awake and wanted to say hi. That’s all.”

      This is a lie. Even through the phone I can feel it.

      “I’m up now. You don’t have to go.”

      We are silent then in a way that I hate.

      “You were right, you know,” Jasper finally goes on. “When you said it was my fault that Cassie got so out of control.”

      I wince. I did say that—before we even got to Maine—maybe more than once. And, my God, did I mean it at the time. It’s hard now to even remember how much I had blamed Jasper for everything.

      “I never should have said that, Jasper. I was afraid it was my fault for being a bad friend. Cassie getting messed up wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault.”

      “Even if I liked that Cassie was so messed up?” Jasper says. And I can see now how deep his guilt is. He doesn’t even need to blame himself for what happened in those last moments in the cabin to make himself responsible for Cassie being gone. He sees himself as the one who set the train loose down the tracks. “That way I could keep on saving her over and over again.”

      My stomach twists, deep and cold. My feelings, not Jasper’s.

      “Who doesn’t like being the hero?” I offer, scrambling for the right thing.

      “Yeah,” Jasper says. “But people don’t usually end up dead because of it.”

      The awful flatness to his voice is back.

      “Why don’t I come over?” I say. “You don’t sound like you should be alone.”

      “No, it’s okay.”

      “It’s no big deal. I don’t mind.” Already, I’m getting out of bed. My dad will take me to Jasper’s even if he’s not going to be thrilled.

      “No, Wylie,” Jasper says, louder this time. “I’m serious. Don’t come. I don’t want you to.” He takes a breath. “I—it’s my mom. She was on a double shift at the hospital, and she just got home. She’ll freak out if anything wakes her up, and she’s already pissed enough at me.”

      “Are you sure?” I ask. “Because I feel like—”

      “Yeah, I’m sure. If you come here right now, it will make everything worse,” he says firmly. “Listen, come over in the morning. We can take a walk or something. Talk it out.” His voice is softer, warmer. More convincing. Sort of.

      “A walk, yeah,” I say.

      “Listen, I’m fine. When my mom works second shift, she usually gets up around ten. You want to come by then?”

      “Only if you promise me one thing.”

      “What’s that?”

      “That you will be okay.”

      My throat tightens around the words and I have to swallow hard. Jasper is so broken. And he isn’t supposed to be. Despite his messed-up dad and a mom who loves him only for what he can do, he is still the optimist. I’m supposed to be the broken one.

      “Definitely,” Jasper says, the flicker of brightness in his voice an obvious cover for how he agreed too quickly. “Now, you have to promise me something.”

      “Definitely.”

      “Don’t come over without calling first.”