The Taming Of The Tights. Louise Rennison

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      Hoppy says it will give us an identity as a group and respect for others. Mostly it’s press-ups and stabbing sacks with sticks.”

      Flossie said, “Cor.”

      Jo continued.

      “I know for a fact you like that sort of thing, you naughty girls. Anyway, we can’t get away till tomorrow so I crept out and left this note and a sausage in case you were peckish.

       See you tomorrow.

       Phil, Charlie, Jack and Ben.

       PS Big snog, Jo, you tiger (that’s me Phil by the way) xx

       PPS Charlie here. Hi everybody x

       PPPS Cheers, Vaisey, Jack x

      PPPPS Hi, everyone and Flossie, very much looking forward to seeing you again. Ben x”

      As we walked back to Dother Hall, Jo was jumping around in front of us, telling us about the photos that Phil had sent.

      “There was this one of him with a human-sized inflatable banana he’d taken shopping. He bought it some shoes in a shoe shop and …”

      Flossie had learned to juggle in the holidays. She said, “I think you’ll find it very entertaining.”

      I made the mistake of saying, “I don’t really know how juggling can be – erm – entertaining.”

      Flossie put her arm round me, which was a bit alarming. She said, “I’ll illustrate for you, my little chum, how very, VERY entertaining juggling is. Everyone give me your tights.”

      I said, “No way, I’m not going to take my tights off – it’s bloody freezing.”

      Vaisey and Jo both said no, they wouldn’t either.

      Five minutes later, Flossie showed us how she could make our tights into little juggling balls. She juggled our three tights balls with one hand and threw her tights ball up in the air from behind her back. She was doing four-tights ball juggling. After she bowed, we clapped and quickly put our tights back on.

      She said, “You see? Do you? How Very Entertaining that was?”

      Vaisey said, “Oooooh, I tell you what I did in the holidays, I learned to play the guitar and I used my lucky plectrum that Jack gave me. If The Jones play any gigs soon, maybe I could jam along.”

      I could imagine what the Hinchcliffs would say to a girl ‘jamming along’ to one of their songs. I laughed and said, “Yeah, you could ‘jam’ that one Cain wrote especially for Beverley Bottomley when he dumped her, Put your coat on, girl, you’re leaving and the follow-up when he dumped her again, Is it so very wrong to want you dead?”

      Jo said, “What’s happened about the Cain thing – is he still on the run, Lullah?”

      I went a bit red and quickly said, “I’ve no idea. With a bit of luck Mrs Bottomley will shoot him.”

      Flossie said, “Oh, you are sooooo unreasonable, Miss Lullah. Yes, those boys are BAAADDD, but they are so goddam handsome.”

      I said huffily, “Yeah, if you like Dark Black … animals in trousers.”

      Flossie said, “I do, as it happens.”

      Vaisey was trying to be nice. “P’raps they’re just a bit misunderstood.”

      I snorted. “Vaisey, do you remember that Cain got Jack to dump you because no girlfriends were allowed in The Jones? He said it was a band rule.”

      Vaisey blushed.

      Flossie sashayed about. “I am looking forward to seeing that bad Seth Hinchcliff again, oh and Bat boy. He’s not quite so floppy since Honey gave him the snogging lesson.”

      I said, “You’re insatiable.”

      Flossie said, “I know, but remember what Honey said about boys: ‘alwayth have one ow two on the go. Theth thafety in numbeth.’”

      We walked along, thinking about lovely golden Honey in her new golden life in Hollywood. Then Flossie said, “What about you, Miss Tallulah, what did you get up to in your holidays?”

      “Well, I was staying with Cousin Georgia and she told me how to do sticky eyes and showed me her snogging scale. It’s from one to ten.”

      Go on. Have another look.

      Jo said, “Yeah so, are we going to use your cousin’s snogging scale?”

      I said, “Well, it doesn’t really fit with my Lulu-Luuuve List so …”

      They all looked at me.

      Jo said, “What’s your Lulu-Luuuve List then?”

      I wanted to tell them about it but not all of it, so I said, “Er, well, I’ve written it down and I was going to bring it in … but I forgot because I got a threatening letter!”

      Flossie said, “What? From someone who thinks you should keep your Lulu-Luuuve List to yourself?”

      “No, honestly, a real threatening letter saying I was like a bum in a skirt and if I knew what was good for me I would clear off.”

      Jo said, “Was it from Dr Lightowler?”

      I went red. “No, it was from … from Beverley Bottomley. She said I gallivant around like a tit.”

      Flossie said, “Well, she does have a point, Lullah.”

      Just then Gudrun came out of the front door of Dother Hall, wildly tinging her hand bell, and shouted, “Go straight to your classes, girls, Ms Beaver has double-booked herself with the Blubberhouses Large Ladies Who Pole Dance For Fun Society, but she will definitely be in to welcome you at some stage today.”

      Thankfully, I’d got away with the Lulu-Luuuve List thing for now.

      But then Jo said quietly to me as we went in, “Did your Cousin Georgia tell you what number ‘nose-licking’ was on her snogging scale? Is Cain licking your nose on your list?”

      She’s like an elephant in a dress.

      How on earth could I tell them that nose-licking was quite literally the tip of the … er, the tip of the … nose on the face of the snogging Cain list?

      I know I should tell the Tree Sisters everything, and I will.

      Soon.

       CHAPTER 5

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