The Taming Of The Tights. Louise Rennison

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      By eleven, the hail had eased off so I got togged up again to look around and see if I could find the owlets. Ruby’s curtains in the attic are still closed so she must be having a little lie-in.

      I walked down the back path to the barn. There were no signs of life in there, just the old nest where the owlets had hatched. How sad. I shut the door and walked on past the back field.

      The sheep started trying to get into the hedge when they saw me. If I didn’t know for a fact that they are very, very stupid, I would think that they remember me singing ‘The hills are alive with the sound of music’ to them last term.

      I thought I’d go down to the river and look for the owlets there. I went to the little bridge, and I can see the path that leads up to Dother Hall. Underneath me is the Heck River. That Beverley threw herself in because of Cain.

      Yes, there it is, the mighty Heck River, swollen to twice its depth by the incessant rain. So now it’s four inches deep. What a fool that Beverley is. When she threw herself into the river, she just ruined her frock. The water only came up to her bottom.

      I wonder what size her bottom is now after her hunger strike.

      Anyway I’m not going to be intimidated by the Bottomley sisters this term. I am, after all, fifteen and not a kid who …

      And that’s when I saw them.

      The Bottomley sisters.

      Well, three of them – Beverley wasn’t with them.

      Ecclesiastica, Diligence and Chastity were eating pies. In fact, Chastity had one in each hand. And it wasn’t even lunchtime. They were eating pre-lunch pies.

      And I bet they’re having pies for lunch.

      When Eccles saw me she said, “Oooh, look, it’s the long dunderwhelp.”

      Chas said, with her mouth full, “My mum said she saw you, sitting on blind people on her bus.”

      Dil said, “Come on, let’s go, she’s putting me off me pie.”

      And they went past me, eating and giving me the evils.

      Eccles turned back and said, “Oh, I forgot, our Beverley told me to give you this. So here you are, you lanky idiot.”

      And she gave me a grubby bit of paper.

      As they lumbered off, Ruby and Matilda came tumbling along. Ruby was out of breath. And Matilda had to have a little lie-down.

      “I saw you. I drew me curtains, I was up in my room and I thought, ay up, there’ll be trouble. So we came to your rescue. What did the big daft lasses say?”

      “They gave me a note from Beverley.”

      Ruby said, “Can she write? Is it a death threat? Give us a look.”

      She took the note from me and read it slowly, tutting, and then she said, “That Beverley can’t really do joined-up writing, but I think it says, ‘To the lanky streak of lard’.”

      What?

      Ruby said, “That’s you, Tallulah.”

      “What is?”

      “You are the lanky streak of lard.”

      “What’s lard?”

      “It’s fat made from bits of cow.”

      Nice.

      She went on. “Then it says, ‘If tha knows what’s good for thee tha’ll shut it and sling yer ’ook.’”

      I looked at her as if she was speaking rubbish.

      Which she was.

      She explained, “Erm, well, in a nutshell it says, ‘Shut up and clear off.’”

      Charming.

      There was more. Ruby read out, “‘He’s not interested in a bumberskite like you, it’s only because tha threw your sen at ’im and gallivant around like a tit.’”

      “When have I ever done that? I don’t even know how to gallivant, let alone like a … and what is a bumberskite?”

      Ruby had really got into it now. She went on.

      “Yes, he, that’s Cain, isn’t interested in a bumberskite like you. Cain’s not interested in you because you’re like a sort of bum in a skirt.”

      “Thank you, Ruby.”

      “And secondly, because you threw yourself at him.”

      I started going red. This was so awful.

      “Threw myself at him? Threw myself at him!!!”

      I was getting redder than red, this was a nightmare come true, then Mr Barraclough shouted from the pub, “Ay up, Ruby, it’s nearly dinnertime. Stop prattling with that big lad – next thing you know you’ll be wearing his clown shoes.”

      Ruby started pulling on Matilda’s lead. “I’d better go before he sees СКАЧАТЬ