Gathered Up. Annabeth Albert

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      “And I think…” She winked at the kids. “I will be very naughty and have my ice cream instead of the soup.”

      “We had our ice cream first, too!” Madison announced. “Mine was lavender. Brady says it tastes like soap. But I love it.”

      “It is indeed good to have things you love,” Mira said indulgently. Her voice was weak and a bit slurred.

      “She’s had her pain meds,” Ev whispered in my ear. “She’ll probably sleep soon, but it is good, I think, for her to see the children.”

      I wasn’t so sure. My siblings were hardly low stress, attacking the soup and bread like they hadn’t just had the ice cream treat. They bickered over whose bread had more butter and reached around each other to trade napkins based on color preferences. The soup was really good, though—an interesting mix of barley and spices and ground meat. It was hearty and fortifying and I shared Ev’s disappointment that Mira couldn’t enjoy it. She ate two or three small teaspoons of ice cream, then put her spoon down.

      She mainly seemed to soak in our chaos. She kept smiling at Ev and me encouragingly. She doesn’t want Ev to be alone. My gut twisted because I got what she wanted for him and I couldn’t be that guy—my life was too much of a mess and I didn’t have time to give him the focus he deserved. Even a quickie at some point seemed like a pipe dream.

      The soup she couldn’t eat was a heavy weight in my stomach. She may not come back from this. I’d known that of course, but this was the first time the reality of her situation really smacked me. Ev was always so positive on the phone—another treatment, another drug, anything to strive for. He really believed she could beat the odds. Even now, he hovered over her so sweetly. What will happen to him if she goes? I didn’t want to think about that.

      “And now, I think it’s time for my TV. A movie perhaps? Would you children like to choose for me?” she asked in a thready voice.

      “Oh, we don’t need to stay. You need your rest.” I shot the twins a look so they wouldn’t contradict me.

      “Nonsense. I will doze better in the company of these young spirits. And they can choose me something uplifting. Evren will settle me nicely. And you can both have a visit.”

      The kids were already racing ahead of her to the living room on the promise of TV. I sighed. “I’ll help with the dishes. And you’ll tell us if they tire you out?”

      “We will watch about princesses. It will be lovely. Do not worry.” She patted my cheek as she slowly made her way after the kids.

      “She sleeps most nights in the recliner now,” Ev said, following to settle her in the chair. “Says she can’t get comfortable.”

      “I’m right here, Evren aşkim. My ears still work. And I’m an old lady now. I’ve earned my right to sleep where I wish…” she trailed off sleepily.

      “Absolutely, Hala.” Ev kissed her cheek as he drew the covers over her. “You are warm?”

      “Go, enjoy your friend.” She made a shooing motion.

      “Lead me to your dishes,” I said to Ev.

      We made quick work of clearing the table. Ev whisked off the cloth and replaced it with a sunny yellow one from a sideboard.

      “Sorry the kids ruined the cloth with soup spills.”

      “Nonsense.” His dismissive noise sounded exactly like Mira. “That’s why we have a cloth. And it has brightened Mira so much to have them here. Better than a pain pill.”

      We headed to the kitchen, and doing dishes with Ev was miles better than doing them on my own. For one, he had a dishwasher; for another, I got to watch his hands and experience a lot of accidental brushes and bumps as we worked. Or not so accidental. We were definitely wandering away from strictly friends territory, but I didn’t want to spook him until we reached the destination.

      Ev kept checking on Mira and the kids every few minutes. Finally, he leaned against the counter next to me as I washed the last big pot.

      “This is so fucking hard.” He almost never cursed, so he must have been worn thin by worry over Mira. “She’s lost thirty pounds. Withering away. And the chemo…Sorry. I don’t mean to vent.”

      “Vent away.” I rubbed his back. Not an I-want-to-seduce-you gesture. Two friends. He needed touch and I needed to give it. “I get it. This would overwhelm anyone.”

      “How do you do it? With the kids, I mean? Taking care of her feels a bit like parenting in a way. Like our roles are reversed now.”

      “Oh man.” I groaned. I’d never voiced this before. “I went from asking for permission to be out all night to having three kids who needed me for everything and a fourth who had to grow up way too fast. I barely slept the first year. Terrified the social workers would take them. Terrified I wasn’t up to it.”

      “I worry about that every night…” Ev relaxed into my touch more, stretching like a cat. God, it had been so long since I’d touched anyone like this. “I worry I can’t do this. But I am. And I have to.”

      “One day at time,” I said. “That’s what gets me through. I can’t think of the future. Just until the next school pickup, the next dinner.”

      “One doctor’s appointment to the next. That’s the space I’m living in right now,” Ev said quietly. “There’s not room for anything else.”

      There was heavy subtext in both our words. There was a huge gap between what we wanted and what we could have. And that gap did nothing to diminish the heat arcing between our bodies. We stood there in quiet commiseration for several long moments, me rubbing his back. I gradually became aware of him staring at my mouth.

      I glanced at the doorway. No kids. Happy singing coming from the living room. Glanced back. Ev was still staring. Fine. Two could play at that. I looked at his lips and his hands and all points in between.

      You need? Go ahead and take, I said with my eyes. I wasn’t going to make the first move. That wasn’t the dynamic I wanted between us. I could push, sure, but I wanted him to do the leaping on his own.

      He turned so that he was trapping me against the counter. Yes. My exhalation echoed through the small kitchen.

      “I find I keep thinking of our phone conversation the other night,” he said, his breath close enough to ghost across my face.

      “Yeah?”

      “Enthusiasm…it is maybe missing from both our lives, yes?”

      “Absolutely.” Let me show you how enthusiastic I can be.

      “And it is not so…casual to want just a taste?”

      “We’re friends. Not a bar hookup. Friends. And maybe we both need a friend right now.” An enthusiastic, kiss-me-senseless friend.

      “I think so.” Ev’s hands bracketed either side of me on the counter, and he leaned in, body a firm pressure against mine, lips against my ear. “Show me.”

      And then he was kissing me, deep sips of lips and tongue. СКАЧАТЬ