If You Could See Me Now. Michael Mewshaw

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      In the end, while I managed to gather the statistics I wanted, they provided little consolation. I had been intellectualizing, focusing on facts at the expense of feelings. The truth was, I realized that I was letting myself get caught up in an imbroglio that mirrored a larger, national debate about privacy and the rights of adopted children. Although willing to help Amy and to meet her if she was telling the truth, I worried how she would react when she learned her mother's identity. More than that, I worried what her mother's response might be.

      C h a p t e r T h r e e

      A manila envelope with a Los Angeles postmark reached me in London less than a week after Amy's call. Reminded of letters from college admissions offices, from publishers and judging committees for grants and fellowships, I confess to nervousness about opening it and confronting . . . what? My fate? Some ultimate acceptance or rejection?

      In addition to a photograph and several pages of Xeroxed documents, Amy had enclosed a note on unlined stationery."I hope we meet one day," she had written and signed off with "Love." Her scrupulously legible handwriting seemed that of a conscientious child. But the snapshot, a color close-up of her smiling face, showed a beautiful, vibrant woman in her early thirties. The shape of her eyes, the texture of her tanned skin, the set of her jaw with its slightly cleft chin, the lustrous dark hair, the tension of her mouth whose economical upper lip con trasted with the generosity of the lower one, her large bright teeth— everything called to mind the woman I had loved.

      The Xeroxed documents were in the form of a letter to Amy from the postadoption coordinator at the Children's Home Society (CHS) of California. Atop the first page, the agency's CHS logo had balls poised above the C and the S and a stick figure of a child as the crossbar for the H.Though the stick figure might have been meant to suggest a kid gamboling on a jungle gym, it resembled someone struggling to push iron prison bars apart.

      Dear Amy,

      Thank you for your $35 subsequent payment for the additional post adoption background information service (receipt enclosed). I have received your waiver of confidentiality which I have placed in your permanent file.

      I am sending you another waiver of confidentiality for your adoptive mother to sign.

      In reviewing your case record, the agency can provide you with the following nonidentifying information.

      As you know, you were born on December 24, 1964 at 6:36 p.m.Your weight at birth was 8 lbs. 14 oz., and you were 21'' long.

      Your birth mother was very attractive, bright and 21 years old at that time. She came from a strong background with quite a complicated personality. During the time she was in California she posed as a married woman. Her boyfriend, not the birth father, came to California with her, expecting to marry her and to help her through her pregnancy with you. Your birth father knew of the pregnancy and wanted to marry your birth mother also, as well as a former boyfriend. The decision to place you for adoption was made harder for your birth mother because of the three proposals of marriage. However, because of her family situation, she felt that it would be totally unacceptable and decided not to involve her family by telling them about you.Your birth mother's final decision was relinquishment, and she wanted you placed in a Protestant home with a cultural and educational background.

      Your birth mother had a great deal of difficulty in arriving at her decision to give you up for adoption because she felt she would not be able to give you the things that were important and meaningful in her life. She also felt that she was being irresponsible not to take responsibility for a child she had brought into the world.

      Your birth mother and her boyfriend, who posed as her brother, came into the office. They both were attractive young people and made a striking couple. He is tall and dark and she is tall, with a slender build.They were both well groomed.

      Your birth mother and birth father had dated for two years and she was actually "pinned" to him.Your birth mother felt that your birth father got her pregnant with the hope of pressuring her into marrying him. His response, when he found out about the pregnancy was "now we'll be able to get married." Your birth mother did not feel this would be a sound marriage. Her family seemed to like him and she described him as a rather capable, likeable person whom she did not want to marry.Your birth father was aware that your birth mother was in California with another man.

      Your birth mother's family expectations made it very difficult for her to think about settling down to a normal married existence.Your birth mother thought of her father, your grandfather, as an international consultant to the U.S. Government. He was one of the top advisors to the Korean Government for a period of years, and before that, a government advisor to the Philippines. Your grandfather was currently employed as top assistant to one of the cabinet members at the time of your birth.

      During your birth mother's freshman year at college, one of her professors was grooming her to enter the Miss America Contest. She had been a runner up to Miss Maryland in that contest and was considered an attractive girl physically. She is always beautifully groomed and looks quite sophisticated. Her hair is past waist length and looks quite exotic and lovely done up in a French twist. She does not wear a great deal of makeup but has a beautiful complexion, a nice smile and a slight cleft in her chin.

      Your birth father's father, your grandfather, is a retired two-star general who graduated from military school. He was 58 years old at the time of your birth. He was born in Kansas.

      Your birth father was described as a large-boned, athletic, very stable,capable person who got along extremely well with everyone and was well liked. However, your birth mother felt that he had some qualms and feelings that he might not measure up to his father's expectations, and internalized all of these feelings.

      The personality traits that were most unattractive to your birth mother about your birth father were that he was not a creative or spontaneous person.

      Your birth mother was quite sure what she wanted to do with her life. She did plan to go to Europe with her grandmother, your great grandmother, after returning home.

      This is all the known nonidentifying information in the record.

      BACKGROUND INFORMATION

       birth mother

      21 when you were born Born in Ohio

      Residence at time you were born: California

      Caucasian: English/Scotch/Irish/German/Swedish

      5'7" tall

      121 pounds

      Brown hair

      Brown eyes

      Medium coloring

      Very attractive

      College graduate—English major—psychology minor

      Office manager

      Good health

      Baptist

      Single

       family

       Father

      57 years old 6'2" tall

      190 pounds Black hair Brown eyes Very fair skin and freckles

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