Congreve's Comedy of Manners. William Congreve

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СКАЧАТЬ would save a man a world of swearing and lying. When wit and reason both have failed to move, Kind looks and actions from success do prove.

      Angelica

      Your father is coming, and I’m leaving.

      (Angelica exits; Sir Sampson Plyant, Valentine’s father, enters with Foresight.)

      Valentine

      Your blessing, sir.

      Sampson

      You’ve had it already today, sir. I think I sent it to you in a bill for four thousand pounds. If there was too much, refund the superfluity, dost hear, Boy?

      Valentine

      Superfluity! Sir, it will scarcely pay my debts.

      Sampson

      Indeed. Then you should have less of them.

      Valentine

      I hope you will not hold me to the hard conditions I agreed to—

      Sampson

      Here’s a rogue, Brother Foresight, makes a bargain in the morning and would be released in the afternoon. Here’s honesty; here’s conscience.

      Valentine

      The bargain was made under duress.

      Sampson

      I shall hold you to it to the letter. Do you deny it?

      Valentine

      I don’t deny it, Father.

      Sampson

      Dog, you’ll be hanged. I shall live to see you go to Tyburn. Has he not a rogue’s face? Speak, Brother, you understand physiognomy—a hanging look to me.

      Foresight (not unkindly)

      Hmmm—truly, I don’t care to discourage a young man—he has madness in his face—but, I see no danger of hanging—

      Valentine (aside)

      Madness. There’s a lucky thought. (aloud) Sir, this usage to your Son will drive me mad.

      Sampson

      Why, who are you, sir?

      Valentine

      Your son, sir.

      Sampson

      That’s more than I know, sir, and I believe not.

      Valentine

      Indeed. Then, I hope I am not.

      Sampson

      What, would you make your mother a whore! (to Foresight) Did you ever hear the like?

      Valentine

      I was merely offering an excuse for your barbarity.

      Sampson

      Excuse! Why, may I not do as I please? Did you come a volunteer into this world or did I press you into service, eh?

      Valentine

      I know no more why I came than you do. But I came with all the appetites and senses that you begot along with me.

      Sampson

      Oons, what had I to do to get children? He must have appetites! Why, you’d rather eat pheasant than mutton and drink wine rather than beer. And smell. I warrant he can smell and loves perfumes above a stench. Why, there it is. And music. Don’t you love music, scoundrel?

      Valentine

      I’m told I have a good ear—

      Sampson

      A good ear! If this rogue were dissected, I’ll warrant he has vessels of digestion large enough for a Cardinal. Oons, if I had that four thousand pounds again I would not give you one shilling. ’Sheart, you were always fond of wit. Now, let’s see if you can live by your wit. Your brother will be in town today, then look to your covenant—you must renounce all title to your estate in his favor.

      Valentine

      I have agreed to it, Father. But I think it very harsh. Good day, sir.

      (Valentine bows and goes out.)

      Sampson

      No more to be said, Old Merlin, that’s plain. Here it is. (brandishing a paper) I have it in my hand, Old Ptolemy. He thought if he danced until doomsday, I was to pay the piper. Well, here it is, under seal.

      Foresight

      What is it, anyway?

      Sampson

      In return for saving that spendthrift from prison for debt, I have made him agree to renounce his inheritance in favor of his brother Ben. Body oh me, I’m so glad to be revenged on this unnatural rogue.

      Foresight

      Let me see—so it is. When was this signed? You should have consulted me as to the time.

      Sampson

      No matter for the time. It’s signed.

      Foresight

      But the time is all important.

      Sampson

      Brother Foresight, leave superstition. Pox on the time. There’s no time like the present.

      Foresight

      You are very ignorant.

      Sampson

      If the sun shine by day and the stars by night—why, we shall know one another without the help of a candle—and that’s all the stars are good for.

      Foresight

      How, how? Give me leave to contradict you. You are an ignorant agnostic and skeptic.

      Sampson

      Ignorant! Why, I have traveled the globe and seen the antipodes where the sun rises at midnight and sets at noon.

      Foresight

      But I can tell you that I have traveled in the celestial spheres, known the signs and the planets and their houses. Can judge of motions, direct and retrograde. Know whether life shall be long or short, happy or unhappy, if journeys shall be prosperous, undertakings successful, or stolen goods recovered. Furthermore, I know—

      Sampson

      And I know the length of the Emperor of China’s foot! And I have made a cuckold СКАЧАТЬ