Real and Phantom Pains: An Anthology of New Russian Drama. John Freedman

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СКАЧАТЬ without me. I ripped off my stripes and I said, leave me alone – I’ll just be a regular soldier. But they changed their minds later. Before the army I studied agriculture in college.

      BUSHY-TAIL: Isn’t that something

      (The office. People walk around and leave. Five people sit at five desks, working at their computers. SNOWSTORM keeps dancing. He’s wearing silver headphones. People are drinking coffee and tea, others feed the gold fish. SNOWFLAKE and BLIZZARD are having their make-up done. ORANGINA takes photos as someone is hooking wires up to something. Maniac signs pieces of paper as others come and go.)

      SNOWFLAKE: If a man and a woman come to an agreement, then, yes, mutual understanding of some kind is possible

      MANIAC: Nobody understands anybody. Everybody only understands their own desires

      BLIZZARD: Eat, drink and sleep

      SNOWSTORM: It’s hard for anyone to see beyond the end of his own nose

      LENOCHKA: The only thing anyone knows well is what he wants

      SNOWFLAKE: If someone can clearly define his desire, then something may come of it

      MANIAC: What if he wants sex? Does he get it?

      SNOWFLAKE: What if he wants a fairy tale?

      LENOCHKA: Rules are what we want

      SNOWFLAKE: We don’t do things by consensus, we just follow our feelings

      LENOCHKA: Irrationality is a woman’s only logic

      BLIZZARD (To ORANGINA): Admit it. That’s true

      MANIAC: Let’s go to my place and watch a movie

      LENOCHKA: That’s the second “yes” a woman says: If a woman agrees to go to the movies, then that’s all she wrote

      MANIAC: If only

      BLIZZARD: For love a woman must have three things

      SNOWFLAKE: What?

      BLIZZARD: First, a stopwatch

      LENOCHKA: Why’s that?

      BLIZZARD: So as not to open her mouth for more than six seconds

      MANIAC: Forget all that la-la-la bla-bla-bla chicky-chicky sis-boom-bah

      BLIZZARD: Remember: you have only six seconds. Men understand only short, unambiguous commands

      MANIAC: And don’t back a man into a corner

      BLIZZARD: Family life is just like life on the job. Right-left, gimme your hand, sit, when, how much, and where. Wednesday evening, Tuesday. I can make it Wednesday, Wednesday at five, all right

      LENOCHKA: What’s the second?

      BLIZZARD: The second is a black belt

      SNOWFLAKE: Karate?

      BLIZZARD: A classic black belt

      ORANGINA: What’s the third?

      MANIAC: The third is that there is only one foreign language. And you have to learn it

      BLIZZARD: That language is called the male language. You have to learn to speak to men in their own language

      LENOCHKA: How do you learn it?

      BLIZZARD: You simply have to forget Russian. And learn three phrases. These three phrases are very difficult to pronounce. (Counts off on his fingers.) I’ll wait for you. I love you. I kiss you. And then in the opposite order. Kiss you. Love you. Waiting for you.

      MANIAC: And no philosophical, psychological or religious conversations

      LENOCHKA: Why not?

      MANIAC: It’s forbidden

      BLIZZARD: One way or another, they lead to fights

      LENOCHKA: What do you talk about then?

      MANIAC: You have to understand each other without words

      SNOWFLAKE: But understanding is very difficult

      MANIAC: There’s a lot of zeroes on the end

      SNOWFLAKE: A man and a woman can understand each other on an animalistic level, that they want each other, that they want tenderness and understanding

      LENOCHKA: They themselves don’t know what that means

      SNOWFLAKE: It’s all very mystifying

      (BUSHY-TAIL and VOLODYA walk down the street.)

      VOLODYA: I was christened when I was sixteen years old. I was big. I believe everything that has anything to do with God. Do you?

      BUSHY-TAIL: Yes, I do believe

      VOLODYA: I went into the army and I had this cross. I lost it in combat training. I lost my cross. Basically all we did was beat each other’s faces in. And then a week later at five in the morning we get into formation in the yard in full combat dress and they do the roll call and say, “You’re going to Chechnya.” You don’t question orders. On the runway at the airport this guy approached us. He says, “You guys are going on a mission and I’ve got crosses for you. Only I don’t have enough for everybody.” It goes without saying that I didn’t get one. There were 54 of us. We didn’t have enough ammunition to go around. Naturally, there wasn’t enough for me. They passed me over. But all I could think of is that I didn’t have a cross. And with no ammo all that stuff just starts to overwhelm you. Bad, bad thoughts.

      BUSHY-TAIL: How could you not have ammunition?

      VOLODYA: They gave me some later. Later on there was plenty of everything. One day we were cleaning out one house. It was obvious Russians lived there. There was a small icon right where you’d expect one to be in the corner of the room. The place looked like a hurricane hit it. We went in, looked around and I sat down on a chair. I felt something poking me underneath. I stood up and looked and there was this cross lying there. So, you see? I found one. I haven’t taken it off since.

      BUSHY-TAIL: They say you shouldn’t wear someone else’s cross.

      VOLODYA: Yeah, I’ve heard that; about taking on somebody else’s sins. But I found that one there and I’ve had no problem. After that luck was on my side. A grenade blew up three feet from me and I didn’t have a scratch. I don’t know if that was a fluke or what. Everybody thought I was dead meat but it didn’t even touch me. Except I went deaf for awhile. Not a scratch. And now I’ve met you.

      (VOLODYA and BUSHY-TAIL stand at the entrance to her apartment building. BUSHY-TAIL says goodbye and goes in. VOLODYA continues to stand there as if he’s waiting for something.

      The six stand in a parking lot. Snow is falling and all of them are gesturing in different directions as they discuss who will ride with whom in whose car. Everyone approaches his or her own car. MANIAC invites СКАЧАТЬ