The Wounds of War. Gary Blinco

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СКАЧАТЬ she expected never came, even when she had stood beside her father in the church waiting to walk up the aisle and join Gary at the altar. Perhaps all the mystery and hype about marriage was a myth, invented by people who were trying to somehow rationalise their own decisions.

      But she did feel a little rush of excitement and pride at last when Gary smiled at her as she joined him in the church. He looked so handsome in his military uniform, and she castigated herself for the doubts that she had been entertaining. Suddenly the mixed feelings that had dogged her as she entered the church slipped away; she was not, after all, just in love with the thought of the physical love they would soon enjoy. She really did love him.

      After the wedding and the reception, when Leanne Brown had somehow became Leanne Bishop; she sat nervously in the car as they drove to the Gold Coast for the first night of their honeymoon. As a soldier she was sure he would be experienced in the bedroom, though he had never attempted to coerce her during their brief courtship. She had no sexual experience at all but she hoped that her desire for him would enable her to cope, to respond. As the car slipped along the highway she felt a mixture of excitement, anticipation, and apprehension. When they finally checked into their room, he seemed relaxed. He was patient as she brushed her teeth and changed into a pink nightgown. She had smiled nervously at him as she came back into the bedroom, and he held her reassuringly, kissing her gently before going into the bathroom to brush his own teeth and prepare for bed.

      She slipped out of the pink nightie and climbed between the crisp sheets, shivering a little as the cool fabric touched her body, or perhaps it was apprehension that made the goose bumps rise on her arms. Gary emerged from the bathroom, smiling at her again as she lay in the bed with the covers drawn up around her neck. He undressed slowly, deliberately, not showing any shyness as he hung each discarded item of clothing over the back of a chair. She could not help but admire his well- developed body, his muscles rippling as he removed his clothes.

      When he pulled down his underpants she gave a little start when she saw the huge erection. She had never before seen a naked man in a state of arousal, but she was sure he was abnormally large. How could she ever expect to take such a thing inside her body? He crawled into the bed beside her and took her in his arms, the hardness of his erection very much in evidence against her thighs. She shivered and recoiled a little, but he began kissing her with the same gentle passion he had shown since they first met, making no attempt to go any further until she was ready.

      After a few minutes she felt herself responding, the unfulfilled sessions of their courtship returned with an urgency as innate instincts were aroused in wet expectation. Now she wanted him to make love to her, the years of chaste existence and the more recent weeks of self- denial gave way to raw feelings of desire as she clutched him to her. He was gentle but she still cried out a little, biting her lip as pain and pleasure became one. Afterwards they lay quietly together as he stroked her hair and stared into her eyes. She smiled up at him from the white sheets, her green eyes wide with wonder.

      He slept then, but she lay awake in the darkness staring out of the bedroom window at the dark sea. A boat moved along the horizon, its lights winking through the darkness. She felt a little scared, a little detached from the events of the day. She could still feel the sensation of having had him deep inside her as a dull throb of painful pleasure rose up through her body.

      ‘But I am happy’, she told herself. ‘It is my wedding night, I must be happy. I just wish he was not so much of a man, I want to contact with his mind and emotions, to reach inside him and know his deepest feelings. I want him to show some vulnerability to go with the gentleness, maybe even cry or something. Perhaps he needs more time to reveal his inner emotions, in time I will reach him.’ She drifted to the edge of sleep at last, willing herself to believe that the wonderful physical relationship she now had would grow to fill her heart and mind as well. The roar of the breakers on the beach reached into the room, soothing her into slumber.

      The rest of the honeymoon went quickly. She became more confident with her body and the sex became more pleasurable. They did a lot of tourist things, taking in the sights and experiences of the Gold Coast. At night they dined in style in one of the many restaurants the place had to offer, and they drank plenty of good wine. Gary was not a big drinker, as one might expect a soldier to be, but a few wines seemed to fire his passion.

      Leanne made love whenever he wanted to, but the lovemaking was still with her body, satisfying her long dormant animal needs but leaving her somehow unfulfilled, her deeper thoughts and emotions almost untouched. She told herself to be patient, remembering her mother’s advice that too many failed relationships had been struck on unrealistically high expectations — that it often took years to reach a level of true companionship. At least the physical aspect of the relationship was intense, and they made love everywhere, and anywhere, even in a hammock near the swimming pool while the other patrons slept upstairs. But after each session she always lay back feeling strangely alone as he drifted off with his private thoughts, thoughts of which she never really felt a part.

      After the honeymoon they had rented a small flat near the Enoggera army base and quickly settled into the new routine of marriage. She liked the routine. The thought of being married and setting a course in life that would involve a family and stability appealed to her, and it fit neatly into the image she had of her life. After all, most of her friends were already married or engaged, or they had at least taken a philosophical stand on the issue. And her parents were delighted with the union. They were both very fond of Gary and had welcomed him to the family without reservation.

      Then, after only four weeks of marriage, she was shattered when Gary came home one night and said he was being posted back to Vietnam. ‘But your two years National Service is over’, she had cried. ‘You have already done an extra six months to complete the last tour. Surely they won’t send you back over there after only four months at home.’ She was speechless when he told her he had signed on for another year on condition he could get a posting to Saigon. ‘But we have just gotten married’, she said incredulously. ‘How could you do such a thing? Don’t you care about our marriage at all? After just one month!’

      ‘It’s only for a year’, he said passionately. ‘Don’t you see? The army is the best long-term career prospect for me now. This posting takes me to sergeant, and then, when I get back, we can get a cushy posting to one of the training units. Maybe even here in Queensland so we can be near our families.’ He had held her in his arms then, his eyes pleading. ‘Please be happy for me, Leanne’, he whispered, selfishly she had thought at the time, mainly because he had not shared any deeper reasons for his actions with her. ‘A year will go very fast.’

      ‘And what if you don’t come back at all?’ she said sharply, squirming out of his embrace. ‘What then? Am I to be a wife and a widow in one sitting?’ She was becoming angry because this was a voluntary action he was taking. The enemy was not about to storm across the Australian coastline after all. His contribution was not critical the freedom of the land and she could not understand his motivation at all.

      ‘This posting is to Saigon, for Christ’s sake’, he said, growing impatient at her short-sightedness. He was not used to having to explain his actions to anyone. But even as the words passed his lips he knew he had no intentions of staying in Saigon. ‘The biggest risk I will face is from being run down by a bus, the war is miles away from Saigon.’ She had given up then, surprised to learn that she did not really care as much as she felt she should. Perhaps she was the selfish one, after all, he was trying to be practical and plan their future beyond the present. Perhaps she was expecting the deeper emotional connections to happen too fast, and perhaps a period of separation would push the physical aspect of their lives aside so that they could develop in other ways.

      In the end his posting was changed and he finished up back at the Australian Task Force Headquarters at Nui Dat, right back near the centre СКАЧАТЬ