The Truth. Neil Strauss

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СКАЧАТЬ who’s sitting across from me, makes a slashing motion over his neck. He’s right. Even that little is too much. I leave the room, return a few moments later, and sit somewhere else. Although it seems like a sensible thing to do and respectful of Ingrid, this kind of distant, uninterested behavior is probably only going to make Carrie like me more. This is, until she hears my check-in.

      “I broke my contract Sunday morning,” I confess when my turn comes. “I feel weird saying this in front of everyone, but I masturbated. I just woke up in a certain condition and couldn’t help myself.”

      The words ring in my head: “I couldn’t help myself.” That sounds exactly like something an addict would say. To reassure myself, I ask if anyone else has masturbated.

      There’s total silence and then one hand sheepishly rises. “I have,” Calvin whispers.

      Suddenly, I’m the most out-of-control sex addict in the room. Calvin was probably masturbating about his picnic. “I realized afterward,” I continue, “that I was masturbating because I was terrified of my girlfriend coming to visit. However, it turned out to be incredible having her here, and it made me want to take my recovery more seriously and become a better person.”

      As we walk out of the lounge after the meeting, Charles falls into step with me. “Let me give you some advice so you don’t break your contract again,” he says. “Believe, behave, become: Believe in you and Ingrid. Behave for Ingrid. Become a nuclear family.”

      It’s good advice. The three steps.

      “If you ever decide to admit you’re powerless over your addiction, you can look me up in L.A. when you leave,” he continues magnanimously. “I can get you into a private therapy group with one of the best CSATs in L.A.”

      Evidently I said the right thing in today’s meeting. I decide to ask him how he relapsed, since he shared the details of his story with the group before I arrived. “I was in New Zealand, where prostitution is legal,” he answers. His voice is melancholy, yet despite himself, a guilty smile creeps across his face. Joan calls this euphoric recall. “And I ended up going to this place where they had a menu of services and had a threesome with two very attractive women for four hundred and fifty dollars.”

      We stand silently at the edge of the dormitory for a moment, both dialing up the visual, a crack of desire appearing in Charles’s austerity. “And that was bad,” I say. “Very bad.”

      “Yeah, very bad.”

      That night, I dream that Ingrid and I are in a hotel room in Las Vegas with a priest we’re paying by the hour.

      “I now pronounce you man and wife,” the priest says.

      As soon as the words leave his lips, a cold shroud of fear envelops me. Something irreversible has taken place in just seconds and I’m overcome with regret because I know I can’t reciprocate what Ingrid feels. I wake up with a sense of doom hanging over my head.

      Charles’s words ring in my head: “Become a nuclear family.”

      What’s so great about a nuclear family? I wonder, before I can stop myself. All the word nuclear makes me feel is a fear of annihilation.

      Chicago, Twenty-Three Years Earlier

      Ring. Ring.

      Hello.

      Is Todd there?

      It’s a girl calling for my younger brother. They always call for him. Never for me.

      No, he’s out.

      This is Rachel.

      Hey.

      I’m with Julia and we were calling to invite him over. We’re having a special party. Julia, why don’t you tell him about it?

      They both giggle. It’s a sound only teenage girls can make. It is their mating call.

      Yeah, Jonas and Craig were over, but they can’t get it up anymore.

      What do you mean? What are you guys doing?

      We’re really horny. Want to come over?

      This is it: finally, a chance to lose my virginity. And I need to become a man before college.

      There’s only one problem.

      I can’t. I’m grounded.

      We’ll make it worth your while.

      How?

      We’ll give you—and here she whispers—a blow job.

      Together?

      If you want. We’ll do you so right if you do us right.

      God, I want to come over so much.

      I can’t believe they’re offering to have a threesome with me. This would be the Super Bowl of teenage sexual experiences. But I stayed out too late one night without calling my mom, so I got grounded for two months. I’ve spent most of my teenage life punished. The year before, my mom somehow found out that I’d gone to a rock concert I wasn’t allowed to attend, so she grounded me for six months.

      Hurry. Julia wants to have sex with you.

      Really?

      She wants you, Neil.

      Fuck, I want her too. But I don’t think I can today.

      Or any day for the next seven weeks.

      Why not?

      I told you. I’m grounded.

      Just sneak out.

      I can’t. I don’t have the keys to the house.

      You’re no fun.

      Wait.

      Let’s call Alex. Hey, do you have Alex’s number?

      Looking back on that phone call—the only time I ever got propositioned in high school or college—I don’t know why I never rebelled, why I never just went out anyway, why even at that age I put up with being constantly imprisoned. Senior year of high school, second semester, when you’ve already been accepted to college—that’s supposed to be the best time of your life. At least for teenagers who aren’t enmeshed.

      Lorraine tapes several sheets of butcher paper across the wall and asks me about my relatives as far back as my great-grandfather. As I speak, she maps my family tree, diagramming everything I know about each relative, from their birth order to tragedies in their lives to the power balance in their marriages. This is called a genogram. She’s looking for patterns. And she finds several.

      “I’ve СКАЧАТЬ