The Incomplete Tim Key. Tim Key

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ stopped covering up his gun enough, and a Japanese chap cut his head off.8

POEM#679

      ‘THE AWKWARDNESS OF WAR’

      Matt was literally all over the place.

      A bomb had banged near him and three chunks had hit him.

      The worst one was about as big as a hubcap (if the car was as big as a Labrador).

      It went woomph into his chin and he went woozy straight away.

      He couldn’t see shit.

      ‘Horace! Horace!’

      He yelled at the soldier next to him.

      But things went from bad to worse.

      Embarrassingly, it wasn’t Horace but a different man from another regiment.

      Matt cringed and pretended he was calling past this ginger guy to an imagined Horace a little further towards the sea –

      And safety.

POEM#329

      UNTITLED

      A Christian9

      Noticed he was good at sprinting.

      He arranged a 100 metre fun run for his congregation.

      Not only did he finish a disappointing fifth,

      But his vicar beat him wearing a gown and cassocks and clutching an orb.

POEM#1101

      ‘THE INCIDENT IN RYMAN’S’

      Chris hadn’t seen Tania for about three years when they bumped into each other in Ryman’s and he forgot her name.

      This was very embarrassing, to say the least.

      But, typically, Chris talked his way out of trouble.

      And soon he was fucking her against a fax machine that also photocopied.

POEM#584

      ‘SHOPPING GARRETT’

      Lesley Garrett10 frowned.

      Her fist was bleeding.

      ‘I’m afraid we simply don’t recognise that as a method of payment,’ the sales assistant repeated.

      ‘But it’s worth more than that telly!’ Garrett yelled; and she punched the bit on the till again.

      The bald sales assistant went deeply ashen.

      ‘You can’t pay by singing,’

      He reiterated.

      But Garrett had already slotted her backing CD into a nearby Denon.

      She waded back to the till, ordered a weak boy to bag up her widescreen, spat out her gum and began to sing.

POEM#680

      ‘THE FUTILITY OF WAR’

      All the soldiers were on the beach throwing bombs at each other.

      After two hours Alan hit a horrid German and that meant they’d both lost exactly 300 sons/people.

      Richard giggled.

      ‘We’re back where we started.’

      Then an accurate German fired a bullet through his neck, and that was him done, too.

POEM#838

      ‘THE FURIOUS CITIZEN’

      Philip dropped a bomb from his plane onto some foreign soldiers.

      Everyone who knew someone who died was very upset.

      One woman actually shook her fist at Philip’s plane.

POEM#324

      ‘THE SIKH AND THE CHRISTIAN’

      A Sikh and a Christian11

       Traded religions

      For the rest of the day

      The Sikh died that afternoon – an enormous icicle fell through him.

      The Christian – as a tribute – stayed Sikh for a further month.

POEM#1010

      ‘CORPORAL MOORE’S MISSION’

      Corporal Moore

      Was asked to go undercover.

      He would be shot, pierce enemy lines as a ghost

      And – hopefully –

      Report back to Sergeant Cornwall (a medium).

POEM#1183

      ‘THE END’

      The penises in charge of the world

      Set off two whopping great nuclear bombs –

      One going in each direction.

      Everyone died, including the guys who had organised the bombs.

      There was a pretty depressing silence.

      Some Eskimos survived because they were wrapped in thick coats made out of seal blubber and penguin fur.

      They continued to bore holes in the ice and pull fish from the ocean to eat.

POEM#335

      ‘PRAYER’

      Jack Manchester went to church 100 times.

      He got brilliant at praying.

      One day he prayed that Denise would sit on the same pew as him.

      She did, and he allowed himself the luxury of touching her knee with his wrist.

POEM#922

      ‘INVESTMENT’

      Abigail spent twelve grand on a haircut.12

      In fairness to Abigail, it suited her and she pulled a Premiership footballer.

POEM#1182

      ‘THE LOGISTICS OF WAR’

      China and America both wore blue to the war.

      The Chinese were furious.

      ‘Didn’t you get our emails!!!?’

СКАЧАТЬ