Just Get Me Through This! - Revised and Updated. Deborah A. Cohen

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СКАЧАТЬ your spouse or significant other has momentary lapses of unexplainable or strange behavior, cut him a bit of slack right now. He’s acting double, even triple, duty right now, trying to deal with his own emotions and fears of losing you, while also needing to appear strong and supportive of you. Furthermore, if you have children who need caretaking, he also may be taking on a greater share of the burden of handling both their reactions and schedules to lighten the load on you. If at times, he needs to withdraw, get angry, not seem as supportive as possible, let him. Just make sure you keep your communications channels open, to let him acknowledge and validate his feelings. Just as you are entitled to momentary respites from playing the hero, so is he.

      Young Kids Are Amazingly Intuitive. Don’t Hide . . .

      If you have young children at home, they will probably know something is wrong long before you say a word to them. Kids are amazingly intuitive and will just know, so don’t hide. Most experts would advise you to be candid and straightforward with information, but not too clinical. Don’t explain more than they need to know. Try to be reassuring, but also realistic as they will see straight through sugar-coated stories by the tone of your voice and your behavior and that of other adults around. Since a sense of security is very important to children, try to enlist family members or friends whom they are comfortable with to help ensure their routine stays normal, and your need for medical care disrupts them as little as possible.

      However, in the end, you know your children best—their levels of perception, comprehension, and development—and are in the best position to gauge what they can handle. Cancer is such a delicate issue that you might consider enlisting professional expertise through this initial phase. Ask your doctors to refer you to appropriate social workers and/or child psychologists.

      . . . But Older Kids May Be More Difficult to Predict.

      The older your children are, the less likely you’ll be able to hide anything from them. But the more difficult it may be to predict their response to your illness. They may be a terrific source of support and comfort, both logistically and emotionally. Or they may retreat, reeling from having their world turned upside down as you—their source of nurturing and comfort—now need to be nurtured and comforted. Furthermore, the reaction of daughters often becomes more complicated, as they may experience their own fears or anxieties about the possibly hereditary nature of this disease and may feel guilt and/or resentment that they are unsure how to contend with.

      Help Your Friends Along.... They May Be Waiting for “Clues” from You.

      Some of your friends will immediately move into helpful mode and instinctually know what to do to help you. Others, however, may either be paralyzed by the fear of losing you, or simply awkward and embarrassed, and will not know what to do until you offer specific suggestions. And still others will be unable to deal with your diagnosis due to their own insecurities and fears of mortality and will disappear, either temporarily or permanently. You just have to remind yourself that other people’s behavior really has less to do with the strength of your friendship than with that individual’s own psychological constitution and prior experience with cancer (e.g., they may be terrified because they lost a loved one to cancer). So, for those who do stay in the picture but don’t know how to help, tell them. Start with something small, such as picking up a few groceries for you on their way home because you might be too tired. Gauge their responsiveness, and determine whether to ask for bigger favors, such as accompanying you to chemotherapy.

      If you haven’t heard from people that you’d expect to, call them. Just hearing your voice sounding normal will put them at ease, and also break the ice in the event that they’ve felt awkward about calling you.

      Be Prepared for Stupid Responses from Smart People. (They Really Don’t Mean It.)

      It’s not that people intentionally try to say stupid things. It’s just that most people—even those who are highly intelligent and articulate—have no idea how to respond to the statement, “I have breast cancer.” Not only does the word “cancer” equate to mortality, but the word “breast” equates with sexuality in our society. What a double whammy. Most people don’t know whether to feel awkward, embarrassed, pitying, comforting, or what. Just as you felt an entire range of emotions upon your diagnosis, they will need a minute to collect their thoughts and respond as best they know how. However, you’ll find that most people don’t collect their thoughts first, so you’ll get some awfully stupid responses. Three of my favorites follow (you’ll soon have your own list . . . it should make you smile):

      • From an acquaintance I hadn’t spoken to in a while, who called to ask me to lunch on the day of my first chemotherapy appointment: In response to my statement, “Unfortunately, today I start chemotherapy treatment for breast cancer,” he said, “Oh, so I guess you’re not available for lunch.” No questions about what happened, how I’m doing, or what he might do to help me. He was probably just so overwhelmed, he couldn’t respond.

      • From a coworker with whom I often lamented that my extensive travel schedule was running me down: “So, do you think the stress of the job and being on airplanes too much caused this?” A naïve, uninformed search for some explanation, some reason how this could happen to someone as young and healthy as I.

      • From someone I had dated, when I serendipitously ran into him (and I knew that he had heard about me through friends but hadn’t contacted me): “Oh, hi, Deb, new ‘do’?” My reply: “No,——[I’ll spare you his name], it’s a wig, but see, I’m actually getting my hair back underneath!” as I pulled the elastic of my wig away from my scalp and watched the blood drain from his face. I’d never seen him speechless before.

      How to respond to stupid comments? Just move beyond them, ignore them. Instead, let the person know that you feel lucky that it’s been caught early, that your prognosis is very good, and that you will be fine. Your optimism and attitude will make them more comfortable (plus save them later embarrassment when, in retrospect, they realize how stupid they were). And besides, the critical issue is not how they respond upon the initial shock of the news, but about how they treat you through your entire experience. You might find that people initially eager to help fall by the wayside, while others, who may be shell-shocked at first, are there for the long haul.

      Surround Yourself with Only Positive-Energy People.

      While there are those that will say stupid things at first, they will accept the shock and move on to be helpful to you in their own ways. However, there are those who never get over the shock, those who can’t handle your diagnosis. They’re worried, upset, and the negative energy of their mere presence brings you down. “Hey, remember, I’m the one with cancer!” you want to shake them and scream. Guess what? It’s their problem, not yours, and if they can’t handle it, get them out of your life. You’ve got enough to handle right now, other than worrying about other people’s emotions. How to do it? One woman I met wrote a letter to her sister, who was driving her crazy because she was living out her own anxieties about the disease and what it might do to their family. She simply wrote that until her sister could control herself and focus on helping the situation, she’d appreciate it if she stayed away. It’s a pretty tough way to do it, but consider the experience a filtering mechanism to get the clutter out of your life. Surround yourself with only positive-energy people who will uplift you, people who will be there for you—unconditionally.

      Assign a Weekly Medical “Reporter.” It Lets You Focus on More Newsworthy Matters.

      Once the news spreads of your diagnosis, you will get so many calls that you’ll begin to think that AT&T has rerouted their central switchboard to you. It’s all very flattering as you realize just how many people in the world care about you and love you, and they are calling to offer support in any way they can. But it can also be very exhausting, both physically and emotionally. Physically, you simply might not have the energy to return СКАЧАТЬ