High Treason and Low Comedy. Robert T. O’Keeffe

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      CONRAD: Yes, well I definitely had to give him the job of General-Staff Chief in Prague. War could break out at any moment now, and Prague is dangerous terrain, what with all the Panslavism there, constitutionalism, anti-militarism, anti-dynastic sentiments, high treason just beneath the surface — there has to be a man there who knows secret police work thoroughly, someone like Redl.

      UMANITZKY: By the way, if I may be permitted to say so, respectfully and without exaggeration, our facilities here are operating just as smoothly under my leadership as if Redl himself were still here.

      Conditions along the borders are compromised

      CONRAD: Colonel, it’s just on that account that we came here. The intelligence services are not functioning to our satisfaction. What’s the use of all of these criminal investigation facilities when our most secret preparations along the Russian, Serbian and Italian borders can be countered by the enemy within three days?

      UMANITZKY: Excellency, we must have a very high-ranking source betraying us.

      SALVATOR (making an aside): Oh my soul, maybe I’m about to come under suspicion. (Then speaking aloud): But, my dear gentlemen, I don’t know a thing about our preparations along the borders, I give you my word of honor. The only secrets I could betray are the marching orders against the Ballet or the training regulations over at Frau Sachs’s place.*

      CONRAD: Most definitely, we’re being betrayed by a highly placed source. And it’s definitely the job of the intelligence bureau to discover just who this high-ranking source is. Herr Colonel, what steps have you undertaken about that?

      SALVATOR: It’s simple. I’d just arrest this highly placed source. And then string him up. It’s all the same to me whether the spy is you or me —— I mean, not me, but you, Umanitzky, for example. Tell me, Conrad, why don’t you just simply have this high-ranker arrested?

      CONRAD: Pardon, your Imperial Highness, but we don’t know who he is.

      SALVATOR: Well, you’ve got to find that our right away!

      CONRAD: Certainly, Imperial Highness. So then, Colonel, what steps have you taken?

      * Presumably a “high-class” brothel.

      Two packets of money at the post office

      UMANITZKY: As your Excellency knows we’ve set up a so-called “black room” at the main post office, where we open suspicious-looking letters and packets — we do it in spite of the legal regulations guaranteeing the inviolability of the mails.

      CONRAD: You know, Herr Colonel, you’ve got to take responsibility on my behalf for this, so that not a soul knows anything about it, otherwise we’ll have a fine scandal in the Reichsrat.

      UMANITZKY: The police officials who are carrying out the censorship open a thousand letters a day, on the average, and they themselves have not been told that they’re working on behalf of the army. They all believe that the main objective is to uncover toll-tax swindlers and smugglers.

      CONRAD: So, what’s the result?

      UMANITZKY: Besides the two letters that are being held at the main post office, nothing else special has popped up.

      CONRAD: Those are the packets with cash sent from the Russian border, right?

      UMANITZKY: Yes, Excellency, the ones from Eydtkühnen.*

      CONRAD: And how long have they been lying around there?

      UMANITZKY: The first one, containing a payment of eight thousand crowns, arrived back in February, the second one with a payment of six thousand crowns came in during early March.

      CONRAD: So, already it’s been almost half a year! Those are very big cash payments – and nobody has picked them up yet!

      * A German town on the border with Russia, known as a smuggler’s haven and an active center of Russian espionage activity.

       The post office is under surveillance

      UMANITZKY: Definitely not yet. Of course we have the postal pick-up counter under surveillance.

      SALVATOR: Understood! Outstanding! A doubled guard with bayonets at the ready patrols the postal counter. And when the spy shows up, he’ll be shot right away. An excellent plan, my dear Umanitzky, and I wish you all the luck with it.

      CONRAD: How are you carrying out this surveillance, Herr Colonel?

      UMANITZKY: I’ve got two plain-clothes detectives from the police housed in a room in the post office, and the room is connected to the pick-up counter by a wire that sends an alarm signal. Whenever somebody shows up to pick up the two letters with the code-name “Operaball 13” on them, the clerk will press a button, and the detectives will rush in.

      SALVATOR: ... and seize him, right?

      UMANITZKY: To be sure, your Imperial Highness, we’ll seize him.

      SALVATOR: Upon my word, that’s just what I thought myself.

      CONRAD: I only wish that it had already been done. Herr Colonel, I’m making you personally responsible for this —the whole matter of the two letters has to be cleared up.

      UMANITZKY: Yes Sir, Excellency!

      CONRAD: I have to go now. Does his Imperial Highness have any other orders for us?

      SALVATOR: No, nothing urgent. You can go now, Conrad. (sotto voce): I’ll snoop around here a little bit more. (aloud): Well, salutations, Conrad! We’ll see each other this evening for a nice meal in the Grand Hotel. Best wishes! (Conrad exits). At last, Umanitzky we’re finally all by ourselves. So now you can show me a couple of attractive lady spies. Don’t you really have any photos of naked women?

      UMANITZKY: Unfortunately not, Imperial Highness. But just yesterday there was a young Polish woman in here, dark looks, absolutely gorgeous.

      Report over the telephone

      SALVATOR: Can you send her my way? I’ll fix up something for her, a fake report, something like that.

      UMANITZKY: Imperial Highness, I don’t know if she’s coming back here again.

      SALVATOR: Then at least show me her picture. You do have her photo here, don’t you?

      UMANITZKY: Certainly, Imperial Highness. (he goes for the photo catalog) Ah ...what was her name? Aha ... (the telephone rings, Umanitzky goes to pick it up)

      SALVATOR: First the picture, Umanitzky, if you please.

      UMANITZKY: Just a moment, Imperial Highness

      SALVATOR: The telephone’s not going anywhere!

      UMANITZKY: I’ll take care of it quickly. (He picks up the receiver): Colonel Umanitzky here, who’s on the line? Uh-huh, the main post office, good. What’s up? Taken care of?

      SALVATOR: The Operaball stuff? (Umanitzky nods yes). Give me the phone!

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